Please Can Someone Give Me Some Genuine Advice

Sorry if this is too long I just want to give u the full picture- In high school I was always the "wild" one trying to keep up with my older brother, but made a lot of friends. I was always the class clown, with many friends around me. In middle school&high school I was in special help classes, which I never applied myself because I was young and figured who cared. OBVIOUSLY, that all caught up to me when I had gone to a 2year community college-turns when I did try to take regular classes at college I was broken down, I didn't understand why I would look out the window, draw pictures- so I went to my doctor in tears because my family was getting fed up with me and thought I was a slacker, my doctor recommended me to a specialist & from there I realized I suffered from ADD. I wasn't diagnosed until I kept going in and out of college, this was on going process-. So I got involved with a guy who was dependent on drugs ( I never gotten into them) & when I met him he was sober. My life then revolved around his, and he never liked going out so we would just spend night after night watching movies at his house. He had no job, no car, and whenever he needed money his family would give it to him. So he began drugs heavily within the first year of us together, it became so stressful on me and one morning before I left to go to work I smashed my brand new car that I just finished making payments on pulling out of his driveway, thus causing me to not have a car and I dropped out of school again. 2 years ago I meant this awesome women who motivated me to go back to school, she pushed and pushed and eventually I did go back but still had the boyfriend. I know it's my own fault for dealing with that for 5 years- it's like I became dependent on him as to the fact of trying to help him? I finally about 4 months ago when he had another seizure said enough is enough and left, because I wanted to finish school by Jan and couldn't put his life ahead of mine anymore. I was left with feelings of guilt, feelings of isolating myself, all of my friends refuse to talk to me because they either think I am a party girl from my young days or accuse me of being a drug head because of my ex boyfriend. - I get it that's life. But Now FINALLY completing the 2 year college, I am left really really sad and unmotivated, all my drive is gone. I work part-time helping special need children, which I don't want for my career & I am thankful to have the job but it will never allow me to move out of my parents house at the age of 27. I hardly ever go out because when I do someone from my town has to say something, and criticism really eats away at me, badly! I can't sleep at night because that's when my thoughts are the strongest, I feel ashamed that all those people I thought where my best friends left me, never tried to even reach out & all have good jobs, some married & here I am lost, unmotivated- it's like watching a movie, I know what I need to do, like set goals, do what I like but I CANT BRING MYSELF TO DO ANYTHING. I am not asking for symphony or pity, I just want someone to please understand me because the one friend I do have thinks it's a joke and my family is constantly yelling at me, fighting with me, which now after I get out of work I just isolate myself in my room because I feel like I failed my parents. I just sit in depression,and try to think what I enjoy but everything that made me happy, doesn't anymore-I don't like to party or drink, I don't like to be social- I don't know what makes me happy & its upsetting- its this endless circle! I take xanax as well for my anxiety, my medication I've been on for years because I dealt with some crazy things those 5 years, and always thought it was my fault if he went back to drugs or why I couldn't help him. After I graduated college & my parents didn't even acknowledge it, I just went in a dark hole. I get yelled at to find full time work, but nothing interests me. Some friends I have aren't really true but will text me to go out & I'll just blow them off, and guys will pretend to be my best friend but they all want the same thing to hook up and that gets me more upset because they listen to my past and think I'm easy and in fact I've grown up a lot and I'm nothing like I used to be, so I ignore them as well. I feel like that relationship did more damage to me then what it should of, and I am a really sensitive person to things. I don't want to take anti-depressants and I started to exercise but I still feel the same depressing, repeating thoughts that I am a waste. I just want to be able to not let peoples negative judgment being me down so much, where I let it effect me- I was never one to be motivated by negative criticism. I want to be free of living outside of my room, I want to be happy I just want to be happy. I feel like a little kid again except I'm truly deeply sad, being yelled at by my parents like i'm 13 and judged by people like i'm this awful person, when really my heart is as big as anything. Please any direction sorry for the length
emotionallycheckedout emotionallycheckedout
26-30
Jan 11, 2013