How And Why

About five years ago I lost everything.  While I can say a lot of it was my fault I will also say there was a lot of deception and betrayal on the part of others.  I still don't understand everything that happened and I don't know if I ever will.  It's just something horrible that happened.  However, at the time I thought that I would go through it all again after what I had learned.  I realized I knew nothing about live and about love.  I was on my knees crying because I just didn't understand why this was happening.  I prayed to God for help and he answered me.  I felt the most amazing love and peace I had never felt before and I knew that everything was going to be ok.  I began to read my bible and whatever other christian books I could get my hands on.  I molded my life to the teaching in the bible and for the first time in my life I was happy.  I did this for a very long time and while I loved praying to God I realized I wanted to connect to other people in such an intimate way.  I couldn't find anyone and I became very lonely.  I started praying that God would send me a pastor for a husband.  Only a pastor was someone I thought would be equal to me in my love for God.  He did answer my prayer.  Within a few weeks I met one and we were very compatible.  We started having problems when I learned he was an alcoholic and had started drinking again.  I thought I could live with that and everyone made mistakes and things would work out because God was the center of our relationship.  I then found out that he was a sex addict and he started pressuring me to do things I didn't want to do and didn't feel comfortable with.  He started using private things I had told him against me so he could get what he wanted.  I then found out that he was cheating on me when he brought another woman into my house after spending the night with her.  I was so upset and angry that when he pulled out the crack pipe I wanted some just to stop the pain.  I became instantly addicted and he started trading me to the "dope boy" for more crack.  I eventually left him and became a full time prostitute to support my drug habit.  I have been clean now over a year but I cannot forget that this man was Gods answer to my prayer.  What kind of God does that to the children who love him and laid down their life for him.  While I admit I made my mistakes I don't understand why a God would even have put me in that position to be so deceived.  While I miss the ignorant happiness I felt at one point I know that in reality God is not what I thought he was.
jenniferab jenniferab
5 Responses May 22, 2010

Then it was just by coincidence that when I started praying for a pastor that one appears? If christianity is real then there is no such thing as coincidences and everything happens for a reason. Meaning he WAS the answer... and you know that would have been fine if there had been some deeper meaning to it all. If everything that happened had a good reason. But there IS NO good reason!!! It was meaningless and senseless and now I'M stuck with this addiction for the rest of my life!

It wasn't GOD who answered you.. It was you who answered yourself. GOD being all knowing would have known how this so called pastor was. Why in the world would you even think that GOD would put any of HIS people in that situation. <br />
<br />
If you were a follower of GOD, you would have known that GOD would not want you to repeat the same error over and over again by staying with this man.<br />
<br />
Forgiveness means to not harbor any bad feelings such as hatred for others. IT doesn't mean you continue to stay in some situation that is harming you. <br />
<br />
To love your enemy doesn't mean you sleep with them or fall in love with them. It means you "respect": their space . They have the right to live their life the way they choose, just like you. <br />
You don't go along with them.

Also, God teaches us to forgive 70x7 times. If I were following God I would have to keep forgiving this Pastor. Bible says you are supposed to put others first and turn the other cheek. God says be the servant of others. To love the enemy! All this does is make it easy for the enemy to tear you up! No! Its not right!

I do take responsibility for my mistakes.<br />
However, God is in control, right? Nothing happens without his approval, right? Why was I even allowed to be in that position??? Why would God answer my prayer that way??? I thought he was supposed to protect his children not feed them to the wolves!!!

GOD didn't put you in that position, you did that to yourself. You misinterpreted the message and went to fast. GOD teaches us to be cautious in this life. Your first clue that your so called pastor was not from GOD is when you found out he had an alcohol problem, but you stayed anyway.<br />
<br />
Quit blaming GOD for your mistakes, take responsibility for your own actions.