How And Why
About five years ago I lost everything. While I can say a lot of it was my fault I will also say there was a lot of deception and betrayal on the part of others. I still don't understand everything that happened and I don't know if I ever will. It's just something horrible that happened. However, at the time I thought that I would go through it all again after what I had learned. I realized I knew nothing about live and about love. I was on my knees crying because I just didn't understand why this was happening. I prayed to God for help and he answered me. I felt the most amazing love and peace I had never felt before and I knew that everything was going to be ok. I began to read my bible and whatever other christian books I could get my hands on. I molded my life to the teaching in the bible and for the first time in my life I was happy. I did this for a very long time and while I loved praying to God I realized I wanted to connect to other people in such an intimate way. I couldn't find anyone and I became very lonely. I started praying that God would send me a pastor for a husband. Only a pastor was someone I thought would be equal to me in my love for God. He did answer my prayer. Within a few weeks I met one and we were very compatible. We started having problems when I learned he was an alcoholic and had started drinking again. I thought I could live with that and everyone made mistakes and things would work out because God was the center of our relationship. I then found out that he was a sex addict and he started pressuring me to do things I didn't want to do and didn't feel comfortable with. He started using private things I had told him against me so he could get what he wanted. I then found out that he was cheating on me when he brought another woman into my house after spending the night with her. I was so upset and angry that when he pulled out the crack pipe I wanted some just to stop the pain. I became instantly addicted and he started trading me to the "dope boy" for more crack. I eventually left him and became a full time prostitute to support my drug habit. I have been clean now over a year but I cannot forget that this man was Gods answer to my prayer. What kind of God does that to the children who love him and laid down their life for him. While I admit I made my mistakes I don't understand why a God would even have put me in that position to be so deceived. While I miss the ignorant happiness I felt at one point I know that in reality God is not what I thought he was.