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Jul 31st, 2008
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I
will never forget the day....The day I was told that Gail had cancer. It was in March of 2000. I cried and cried. I couldn't believe it! Not MY sister! WHYYYYYYY????? Then, I thought....well, she can beat it. She's still young....only 47, plus, she didn't LOOK sick. Little did we know, this monster had been growing in her for a while. It had already spread from her colon to her liver. It was a death sentence. Unfortunately, we didn't get much time with her, and for my birthday present, on June 18, 2000, she was rushed to the hospital, and was pretty much drugged up until the day she died, twelve days later. Even though I have a husband, I never felt so alone. He never once tried to console me. He never gave me a hug or tried to talk to me, or anything. So, I just spent my time on my computer, and he just spent his time watching TV. I would go to bed, and he would still be watching TV. I would wake up in the morning, and he would have fallen asleep on the couch. That's where he'd stay all night. Then, when it came time for the funeral, I finally had to ask him to stay by me, instead of going outside to smoke cigarettes, because everyone kept asking me why he wasn't there to support me or to help me. I was getting sick and tired of making up excuses, and I was so upset, already, I was nearing the breaking point. Nobody needed to see that! He even had the gall to ask me why he couldn't go out and smoke any more! I had to explain to him that we had already been there for two hours, and he hadn't even spent ten minutes with me. Would you believe he had the audacity to say to me, "SO WHAT!" I was never so hurt in all my life!!! That's what my entire life has been like, since then. Unfortunately, we're still married, as I am basically trapped here. I have no income, nowhere to go, and I need to have a roof over my and my daughter's heads. It sucks! But, back to my sister....We were very close when all of this happened. I still think of her all of the time. But, to make things better, I think of the good times we used to have, when I was really young. She was ten years older than me, and used to babysit for me. She always took good care of me. If I didn't have the good memories to hold onto, I don't know what I'd do. Believe me, though, it sure keeps me going! 
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  | Posted Aug 26th, 2008 at 7:32AM I am sorry for your loss and for your husband. Your husband really should have stood by you and helped you throught that tought time. I just hope you had someone who helped you get throught that tough time.   |
 Feeling relaxed | Posted Sep 10th, 2008 at 12:47PM I understand your loss. In our minds, Cancer is not supposed take people we love. I suggest that you check your area for a bereavement support group. I know they can be very helpful. Or see if you can find a therapist and get some one on one help. Many communities offer aid for women in trouble and their children. It is not healthy for you OR them to be in the house with a man who doesn't support his family emotionally. Have you ever asked him why he is behaving this way. Maybe he felt pushed away while your sister was in the hospital. Lord knows that you more then likely spent as much time as you could with her. My prayers are with you. |
 | Posted Sep 11th, 2008 at 6:29AM I hope everything will turn out okay for you,It's not easy for you i bet.As for your husband i hope he will understand what you were going through. I'll pray for you & your family,i wish you can take a vacation just to take a little rest from all the worries you have. Whenever i have a problem i went to the beach fronting the film school i am in right now,called IAFT.It is so relaxing & comforting hope you can peek it's a beautiful place...www.filmschool.ph |
Feeling relaxed | Posted Sep 11th, 2008 at 9:38AM Yes there is just something about going to the beach or a large body of water that is calming. You look out in the distance, it makes you feel and know that there is so much more to the world. It sometimes reminds me that my problems could be so much worse and I am blessed to be able to stand and look upon such beauty. To hear the sound of the surf and know that no matter what the surf will always be there to calm my mind and bring peace to my heart. The ocean to me is a sure sign of just how small my problems are in comparison to all the people in the world and the vastness of the universe. If you cant go to the water, maybe you can get a CD of the ocean waves or some meditation music to calm your thoughts and allow you to think through your problems. May God bless you with peace and a partner worthy of your love. May he bless your children with a male figure in their lives to teach them and show them the love and caring a man needs to so to his family. If your husband is not up to doing his part, maybe you can turn to another male relative to lend an emotional support. |
 | Posted Sep 11th, 2008 at 10:15AM The loss of a loved one is an experience that you can't be prepared for. You will always miss your sister, I imagine, but with time it will get a little easier. I have a suggestion that you might consider--this is just based on my experience and may not be applicable to you, but still--give it some thought. It's possible that your husband didn't know how to support you because he was trying to handle his own grief but didn't see the bigger picture. Cancer deaths affect everyone around them. Everything from the realization of our own mortality, the delicate balance we have between life and death, to the changes that come to family dynamics, the status quo. These things among others can be troubling when someone dies like that even if he didn't have a particularly close relationship with your sister. I guess I'm trying to suggest that there was nothing you could do to save your sister, but take a few deep breaths before you let cancer claim your marriage too. It happened to me, and for a long time I thought that if I could just get away from my unsupportive spouse who didn't understand that I was hurting and needed support that I'd be happier. Well, i did get away. And now I'm alone and no happier than before. You are the only one who can decide what's best for you, but your husband might really care, but be paralyzed by the experience of losing your sister, just showing his pain in a different way. In any event, I'm sorry for your loss, and there aren't any words that speed healing from such a catastrophic loss, but remember how blessed you were to have a sister who loved you, and carry those memories with you through life. It will someday be easier for you. +2 nods |
Feeling relaxed | Posted Sep 11th, 2008 at 10:48AM Very good point. I was kind of thinking along those lines too, but the other words came to me first. Many men and some women withdraw into themselves during times of pain and loss. Everyone has a different way of handling upset and loss in their lives. Some fight, some go numb and some hide or make like it didn't effect them. Everyone is different and people often don't respond in the way we think they should. |
 | Posted Sep 11th, 2008 at 4:40PM I am so sorry for your sad loss, I know how you feel as I myself lost a sister at a young age. It seems like your whole world has been turned upside down, but it does get better, Idont think of my sister as being gone as I chat to her most days,if a situation creeps up I wonder what advice she would have given Ithen feel better thinking about the daft things she would sayand do thinking about the way your hubby treated you , all i can think is that he does not know how to deal with grief ,maybe he has never had to deal with it as you dont say.Some people would rather avoid it rather than think they may say the wrong thing, or make matters worse,when all we want to do is talk about the sister thas passed on I hope things get better for you and send you all my deepest sympathy |
 | Posted Sep 13th, 2008 at 1:01AM I also lost a sister to cancer. I got there in time for her to see me before she died, though she couldn't speak. As I watched her stop breathing, it was peaceful and natural like. I knew she was okay. Later, I found I had a large resentment towards her, although I loved her dearly. She was 15 years older and left home when I was 9 and I had felt abandoned. I had to forgive her for my perceived rejection and heal from it. But I have a problem still with rejection and abandonment, as do many, and you seem to also. Somehow I believe that if we can forgive them for dying and deserting us and let the love they gave live through us to others, then the loss will lessen and our relationships with others will either improve - or they will fall away naturally. This is harder to practice of course. You can't expect anyone else to understand or care, because they have their own stuff to deal with. Naturally one would think a husband should be different, but it certainly doesn't always happen. Instead of looking for support outside of yourself, find it in your own heart and learn to be your own best friend. We are lucky because we had a special relationship which some people never get their whole life. Let her love show you how it can grow and blossom within you and you will begin to see it manifest in your life. Then she will be closer than ever and the healing can happen. |
 | Posted Sep 13th, 2008 at 5:53AM I'm so sorry for your loss. I to lost both of my sib's in a span of 2 months. My younger brother first at 43 from drinking and sis at 44 to cancer. Her and I were very close most of our lives. I handeled my loss's a little diff. cuz I'm a man I was told. I got depressed and withdrew from every one at that time. (6 years ago). I had a problem with the fact that I was the oldest and I was supos. to go first I thought. still get sad from the loss but I to remember the times we had and the fun we experienced together. I had support from my family and friends, but just withdrew and went to my own little world. Now I feel better and dealing with it every day and it gets better, it just takes time I think. Your husband really should have been there though I think. In the back of my mind I also wonder if he may have been depressed also but wouldn't talk about it and was dealing with it his own way. (not making excuses for him) He may have been thinking how short his time here may be also and gotten depressed to, I don't know the situation that well but we all tend to have a wake up call when our own, or a friend dies about how much time we have and such. I truly wish he was there for you if you didn't have any one to help you through this. I have to keep thinking that, would I have wanted them, if I died first , to grieve so bad that it messed up their lives, their kids lives, or made it hard on their friends. I would not, I would like them to go on and enjoy their lives for me, make a difference in the world and be happy. So please be happy and try to make the best of what you got. I wish you the best and you have my support and understanding! |
| Posted Sep 13th, 2008 at 5:58AM I'm so sorry for your loss. I to lost both of my sib's in a span of 2 months. My younger brother first at 43 from drinking and sis at 44 to cancer. Her and I were very close most of our lives. I handeled my loss's a little diff. cuz I'm a man I was told. I got depressed and withdrew from every one at that time. (6 years ago). I had a problem with the fact that I was the oldest and I was supos. to go first I thought. still get sad from the loss but I to remember the times we had and the fun we experienced together. I had support from my family and friends, but just withdrew and went to my own little world. Now I feel better and dealing with it every day and it gets better, it just takes time I think. Your husband really should have been there though I think. In the back of my mind I also wonder if he may have been depressed also but wouldn't talk about it and was dealing with it his own way. (not making excuses for him) He may have been thinking how short his time here may be also and gotten depressed to, I don't know the situation that well but we all tend to have a wake up call when our own, or a friend dies about how much time we have and such. I truly wish he was there for you if you didn't have any one to help you through this. I have to keep thinking that, would I have wanted them, if I died first , to grieve so bad that it messed up their lives, their kids lives, or made it hard on their friends. I would not, I would like them to go on and enjoy their lives for me, make a difference in the world and be happy. So please be happy and try to make the best of what you got. I wish you the best and you have my support and understanding! |
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