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I Miss My Sister

I will never forget the day....The day I was told that Gail had cancer.  It was in March of 2000.  I cried and cried.  I couldn't believe it!  Not MY sister!  WHYYYYYYY?????  Then, I thought....well, she can beat it.  She's still young....only 47, plus, she didn't LOOK sick.  Little did we know, this monster had been growing in her for a while.  It had already spread from her colon to her liver.  It was a death sentence.  Unfortunately, we didn't get much time with her, and for my birthday present, on June 18, 2000, she was rushed to the hospital, and was pretty much drugged up until the day she died, twelve days later.  Even though I have a husband, I never felt so alone.  He never once tried to console me.  He never gave me a hug or tried to talk to me, or anything.  So, I just spent my time on my computer, and he just spent his time watching TV.  I would go to bed, and he would still be watching TV.  I would wake up in the morning, and he would have fallen asleep on the couch.  That's where he'd stay all night.  Then, when it came time for the funeral, I finally had to ask him to stay by me, instead of going outside to smoke cigarettes, because everyone kept asking me why he wasn't there to support me or to help me.  I was getting sick and tired of making up excuses, and I was so upset, already, I was nearing the breaking point.  Nobody needed to see that!  He even had the gall to ask me why he couldn't go out and smoke any more!  I had to explain to him that we had already been there for two hours, and he hadn't even spent ten minutes with me.  Would you believe he had the audacity to say to me, "SO WHAT!"  I was never so hurt in all my life!!!  That's what my entire life has been like, since then.  Unfortunately, we're still married, as I am basically trapped here.  I have no income, nowhere to go, and I need to have a roof over my and my daughter's heads.  It sucks!  But, back to my sister....We were very close when all of this happened.   I still think of her all of the time.  But, to make things better, I think of the good times we used to have, when I was really young.  She was ten years older than me, and used to babysit for me.  She always took good care of me.  If I didn't have the good memories to hold onto, I don't know what I'd do.  Believe me, though, it sure keeps me going!

BowieLover1962 BowieLover1962 46-50, F 34 Responses Jul 31, 2008

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I'm really sorry for your loss:(

I to just l lost my sister to brain cancer one month ago. She fought for 17 long hard yrs. She left behind my beautiful godchild,who is just like her. They last few wks were Soo hard, but nothing as hard as watching her take her final breath. So I relate to your pain. I'm so very sorry for yu. I know u hear it ALL the time, I know the feeling. I sincerely know what yu dealing with. Its hard for me, so days are worse than others...I miss her. I hate cancer!! I pray for all those families that are going through what my family has been through.

I am sorry to hear your loss. I to, have a sister, half, but a sister. She has never treated me with any respect, she beat me, and called me names, reading this story, made me cry. Seeing such a great bond between two siblings, is breath taking, in my opinion. I lost my brother, and now, my grandfather has cancer, me and him, are still very close. Cancer has seemed to be running in my family for some time, and I morn for your loss. I to, can relate to relationship problems. My boyfriend and I had always been over playful, he leaves bruises on me, because he plays too rough. But, I know he doesn't mean to. I remember when my grandmother, whom I was close to, passed on. My father was kinda like your husband to my mom and I. He screamed at us, "I've been kissing your *** ever since your mother, and your grandmother passed away!!", I quote, which, he never gave us any short of break. Though, I do morn for your loss. Weather it was a year ago, or ten years ago. A loss, is a loss. I wish you the best!

What great EP friends here!<br />
My thoughts and prayers for your loss. <br />
<br />
Is it possible too that your husband doesn't know what you would like him to do? If he is someone who keeps his feelings to himself, he may not know that you would prefer to talk about it or have hugs or whatever.<br />
<br />
My partner recently miscarried, kept saying she was upset but ok. I didn't know what to do to help her, but kept open to her in case she wanted to talk about it. She thought I didn't care because I wasn't looking up what to do on the net.<br />
<br />
Your husband does sound a little insensitive, and it seems that there are other frustrations in your marriage.<br />
More later. Good luck.

What great EP friends here!<br />
My thoughts and prayers for your loss. <br />
<br />
Is it possible too that your husband doesn't know what you would like him to do? If he is someone who keeps his feelings to himself, he may not know that you would prefer to talk about it or have hugs or whatever.<br />
<br />
My partner recently miscarried, kept saying she was upset but ok. I didn't know what to do to help her, but kept open to her in case she wanted to talk about it. She thought I didn't care because I wasn't looking up what to do on the net.<br />
<br />
Your husband does sound a little insensitive, and it seems that there are other frustrations in your marriage.<br />
More later. Good luck.

Oh your story really touched my heart. My Aunt had breast cancer at 48 she fought hard and beat it. Ten years later she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. My mom and whole family was devestated. She fought for ten months and passed away on my moms (her sister) birthday. As for your husband men are ignorant neanderthals who are raised to have no feelings, well most of them. Definatley not all of them. You know if your heart if u should stay or go dont let other peoples opinions influence that decision. Take care and may god bless your life.

Oh your story really touched my heart. My Aunt had breast cancer at 48 she fought hard and beat it. Ten years later she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. My mom and whole family was devestated. She fought for ten months and passed away on my moms (her sister) birthday. As for your husband men are ignorant neanderthals who are raised to have no feelings, well most of them. Definatley not all of them. You know if your heart if u should stay or go dont let other peoples opinions influence that decision. Take care and may god bless your life.

Oh your story really touched my heart. My Aunt had breast cancer at 48 she fought hard and beat it. Ten years later she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. My mom and whole family was devestated. She fought for ten months and passed away on my moms (her sister) birthday. As for your husband men are ignorant neanderthals who are raised to have no feelings, well most of them. Definatley not all of them. You know if your heart if u should stay or go dont let other peoples opinions influence that decision. Take care and may god bless your life.

I'm sorry for your loss. My sister passed 3 months ago from lung & brain cancer and it was terrible. I share your pain.<br />
Perhaps your husband didn't know what to do. It's very difficult to deal with and some people ignore it, hoping it'll go away.<br />
My brother was living with my sister when she was diagnosed. As the disease spread and she couldn't walk anymore he moved out!! He never once called her.<br />
Stress makes people do stupid things. Some of us (like you & me) step up. Others run away.

Im sorry for your lost..... i too have lost a sister. It would be 6 yrs ago on the 8th of dec....... she was 24 and in november we found out she had cancer and in december she passed way. I was only 16 at the time and i still miss her.... She was my rock amd the only person in this world that i truly believed loved me for me and not for who they wanted me to be.... I still miss her and i'm still searching for a connection that at least equals her in loving me and havent even came close......

A Story – Words that can make a sad person happy and a happy person sad!<br />
One day, a person presented Mughal Emperor, Jalaluddin Akbar with a diamond ring. King Akbar started thinking. He announced: I want my courtiers to write some insc<x>ription on this ring which should make a sad person happy when he reads that writing. At the same time, those words should make a happy person sad when he reads them.<br />
People were puzzled. What can be those words which will make a sad person happy and a happy person sad? King’s Vizier, Beerbal, took the ring to his home and next day returned the ring to King Akbar. He wrote those words which could make a sad person happy and a happy person sad.<br />
The insc<x>ription on ring was: This time shall come to pass!<br />
Think over it. Every kind of time, happy or not happy, pass away. How do we use our time? Choice is ours.<br />
We wait and wait and wait for miracle to happen or we try to make things move or we take initiatives to make things happen?

I hear ya, 'n fact one could say I'both been there and done that alongside ya only at different times*. After reading the impressively comprehensive collection of wisdom woven words written in response, all I could say that one had not yet was that my dear sister's name was Gale also.<br />
___________________________________<br />
* Hey, that wasn't by any chance YOU I felt holding my hand at the service was it? If so, thank you!

Cancer is so very very evil... I am sorry for your loss, but that is life, we do not know when we are going to leave, so don't waste the precious time that you do have (not saying that you are). As for your husband, from what you describe he sounds to be a failure as a husband. When we take part in marriage, the two become one and as such should act as one. When one is feeling sad the other should be there to help cheer you up! Not sit on the couch and watch that hypnotic idiot box and smoke... What really got me was that he said "So What!" To me that just says he has no interest in you and doesn't want to go out of his way to be with you. Some people have no morals.... <br />
Here is something I just made up and I hope this helps. "In our darkest hour, when there is no light...when there is no hope, the path we seek may be uncertain and treacherous. <br />
Do not tremble, just as the sun sets and leaves us in darkness, <br />
Be assured that the light shall rise again to show us the way once again." haha kinda bromidic but whatever I thought it was good. ^_^

i can totaly relate to you guys,but only in a different way...i to lost my sister but not to cancer or any illeness but from electricution...my sister died on aug.11,1992 at the young age of 20 and she had a 1 year old son....i was pregnant at thye time of my sisters death even though that wouldnt be confirmed untill the day after....i miss my sister each and everyday since i lost her but what has gotten me thru thease past 18 years is the good memories of her and my time with her....i am sooo very sorry for your loss

sorry to hear that!! just think of it as something else??

i feel really sad aft hearing u......... i love my sister dearly and she means everything to me.... i imagined myself in ur situation........cant even think of it..<br />
eventhough it is a painful departure pray god that her soul rests in peace... as far as ur husband is concened "every dog has its day"

youre husband seems like a ****...

I lost my sister to breast cancer, years later my brother. Cancer again. My husband was not supportive and I suffered alone. I was very depressed and I understand that his lack of empathy was there all along and I just noticed it more during my crisis.I had breast cancer two years ago and doing OK.My now ex husband is battling cancer too. Sad life indeed. So here is my advice for you:<br />
Life is precious, every single day, so....<br />
1) Have regular check up and tests to screen for cancer. As a sister of<br />
a cancer victim you are at risk but prevention works! What you learn from your sister's death can save your life.I was very alert and I discovered my cancer early.<br />
2) Evaluate your relationship and ask yourself what you really want . Maybe it was hard for your husband to deal with you while you were in a deep state of sorrow. Some men sometimes do not know how to comfort, they just don't know how, so they do nothing. Could this be the case?Talk clearly and rationally maybe through a counselor see if it helps. If it does not don't wait around for things to change. Get busy and gain financial independence. Get your affairs strait.Today's women cannot afford to be dependent on their husbands.<br />
3)Make your decision.Stay or go.You have the right to live the life you are meant to live, but be prepared it is not going to be easy.<br />
4) Be always close to your child and most of all keep her away from negative and stressful situation. Your state of mind will affect hers so do what you need to do to be happy and serene.<br />
Good luck.

I am sorry for your loss. I am happy for your happy memories, hold onto them tightly. I am sorry about how your husband handled things, but, maybe that's the only way he knew how. If he is still like that though these many years later then I think your sister would be telling you to change things up. I know it is hard, I know this quite well. But there are resources out there. Go to the state for help, or your place of worship, or a womans hot line. Some states have a 211 call center that is 24/7. You can call about anything and they will try to find you the help that you need. Best wishes to you and your family.

I'm sorry about your sister. I had a grandfather pass from Cancer and he was my world. I totally know what you mean. But those great memories really do keep us going.

I'm sorry for your loss. I understand your pain and nothing can take that away.

That sounds like a tough situation. At least your sister knows that she was loved. That's important. And good for you. I have been "trapped" in relationships too. That is no fun. There are no easy answers. I think we all do the best we can but it sure is nice to have someone to talk to about it. Best wishes

My husband did that to me when my father died of cancer. No support whatsoever. I couldn't leave, no income, 3 kids etc. Stayed married 36 years, finally kids very grown, we divorce, still not much of an income HOWEVER I never get depressed any more...every day is a joy. Should I have taken the chance and done it while in my 30's or 40's instead of 50's. I think so.

I was sorry to read about your sister. Cancer is a horrible disease, as I know at first hand because I lost both my parents that way.<br />
<br />
What saddened me even more was the total lack of empathy and support that you got from your husband. For me the whole point of being married to someone is that they are there for you and give you love. If you don't get that then there isn't anything there and you should make a break and find someone who will love you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I to lost both of my sib's in a span of 2 months. My younger brother first at 43 from drinking and sis at 44 to cancer. Her and I were very close most of our lives.<br />
I handeled my loss's a little diff. cuz I'm a man I was told. I got depressed and withdrew from every one at that time. (6 years ago). I had a problem with the fact that I was the oldest and I was supos. to go first I thought. still get sad from the loss but I to remember the times we had and the fun we experienced together. <br />
I had support from my family and friends, but just withdrew and went to my own little world. Now I feel better and dealing with it every day and it gets better, it just takes time I think. <br />
<br />
Your husband really should have been there though I think. In the back of my mind I also wonder if he may have been depressed also but wouldn't talk about it and was dealing with it his own way. (not making excuses for him) He may have been thinking how short his time here may be also and gotten depressed to, I don't know the situation that well but we all tend to have a wake up call when our own, or a friend dies about how much time we have and such. I truly wish he was there for you if you didn't have any one to help you through this. <br />
<br />
I have to keep thinking that, would I have wanted them, if I died first , to grieve so bad that it messed up their lives, their kids lives, or made it hard on their friends. I would not, I would like them to go on and enjoy their lives for me, make a difference in the world and be happy. <br />
<br />
So please be happy and try to make the best of what you got. I wish you the best and you have my support and understanding!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I to lost both of my sib's in a span of 2 months. My younger brother first at 43 from drinking and sis at 44 to cancer. Her and I were very close most of our lives.<br />
I handeled my loss's a little diff. cuz I'm a man I was told. I got depressed and withdrew from every one at that time. (6 years ago). I had a problem with the fact that I was the oldest and I was supos. to go first I thought. still get sad from the loss but I to remember the times we had and the fun we experienced together. <br />
I had support from my family and friends, but just withdrew and went to my own little world. Now I feel better and dealing with it every day and it gets better, it just takes time I think. <br />
<br />
Your husband really should have been there though I think. In the back of my mind I also wonder if he may have been depressed also but wouldn't talk about it and was dealing with it his own way. (not making excuses for him) He may have been thinking how short his time here may be also and gotten depressed to, I don't know the situation that well but we all tend to have a wake up call when our own, or a friend dies about how much time we have and such. I truly wish he was there for you if you didn't have any one to help you through this. <br />
<br />
I have to keep thinking that, would I have wanted them, if I died first , to grieve so bad that it messed up their lives, their kids lives, or made it hard on their friends. I would not, I would like them to go on and enjoy their lives for me, make a difference in the world and be happy. <br />
<br />
So please be happy and try to make the best of what you got. I wish you the best and you have my support and understanding!

I also lost a sister to cancer. I got there in time for her to see me before she died, though she couldn't speak. As I watched her stop breathing, it was peaceful and natural like. I knew she was okay. Later, I found I had a large resentment towards her, although I loved her dearly. She was 15 years older and left home when I was 9 and I had felt abandoned. I had to forgive her for my perceived rejection and heal from it. But I have a problem still with rejection and abandonment, as do many, and you seem to also. Somehow I believe that if we can forgive them for dying and deserting us and let the love they gave live through us to others, then the loss will lessen and our relationships with others will either improve - or they will fall away naturally. This is harder to practice of course. You can't expect anyone else to understand or care, because they have their own stuff to deal with. Naturally one would think a husband should be different, but it certainly doesn't always happen. Instead of looking for support outside of yourself, find it in your own heart and learn to be your own best friend. We are lucky because we had a special relationship which some people never get their whole life. Let her love show you how it can grow and blossom within you and you will begin to see it manifest in your life. Then she will be closer than ever and the healing can happen.

I am so sorry for your sad loss, I know how you feel as I myself lost a sister at a young age. It seems like your whole world has been turned upside down, but it does get better, Idont think of my sister as being gone as I chat to her most days,if a situation creeps up I wonder what advice she would have given Ithen feel better thinking about the daft things she would sayand do thinking about the way your hubby treated you , all i can think is that he does not know how to deal with grief ,maybe he has never had to deal with it as you dont say.Some people would rather avoid it rather than think they may say the wrong thing, or make matters worse,when all we want to do is talk about the sister thas passed on I hope things get better for you and send you all my deepest sympathy

Very good point. I was kind of thinking along those lines too, but the other words came to me first. Many men and some women withdraw into themselves during times of pain and loss. Everyone has a different way of handling upset and loss in their lives. Some fight, some go numb and some hide or make like it didn't effect them. Everyone is different and people often don't respond in the way we think they should.

The loss of a loved one is an experience that you can't be prepared for. You will always miss your sister, I imagine, but with time it will get a little easier. I have a suggestion that you might consider--this is just based on my experience and may not be applicable to you, but still--give it some thought. It's possible that your husband didn't know how to support you because he was trying to handle his own grief but didn't see the bigger picture. Cancer deaths affect everyone around them. Everything from the realization of our own mortality, the delicate balance we have between life and death, to the changes that come to family dynamics, the status quo. These things among others can be troubling when someone dies like that even if he didn't have a particularly close relationship with your sister. I guess I'm trying to suggest that there was nothing you could do to save your sister, but take a few deep breaths before you let cancer claim your marriage too. It happened to me, and for a long time I thought that if I could just get away from my unsupportive spouse who didn't understand that I was hurting and needed support that I'd be happier. Well, i did get away. And now I'm alone and no happier than before. You are the only one who can decide what's best for you, but your husband might really care, but be paralyzed by the experience of losing your sister, just showing his pain in a different way. <br />
<br />
In any event, I'm sorry for your loss, and there aren't any words that speed healing from such a catastrophic loss, but remember how blessed you were to have a sister who loved you, and carry those memories with you through life. It will someday be easier for you.