The Worst Kind Of Pain

I lost my sister about 20 years ago, I was only 6 when she was born and she only lived for two and a half moths, but I miss her all the time. She would of been my only sister (seeing as I have a little brother), she was born with a birth defect where the umbilical cord went from her stomach to her forehead and then out, so the front part of her brain didn't form properly. She was basically born with a lobotomy, so she didn't cry at all and was just quite all the time. The doctors didn't expect her to live past a few days, so they keep her in the hospital. When she passed a week, my parents brought her home to be with the family. The told me that she was going to die some time soon, but we didn't know when. I remember helping to take care of her all the time and just holding her, (I am at work writing this and it is so hard to hold back the tears). After two and a half months of having her with us she died in the night. I went to check on her when I woke up and found her dead in the crib. I didn't understand it all at that age and never cried about it. Even at the funeral I didn't cry, I just never dealt with the pain.

Now though, she would have been 20 years old, and I feel like I am missing a part of me all the time. I never got to watch out for her or take care of her growing up. There is something missing inside of me, a part of my soul is gone and will never return to me. I don't know how to deal with this pain, only now that I have a daughter of my own can I imagine the pain that my parents went through. I can't even begin to understand how my mom got through it. It hurts so much that I can't picture my sister any more, I can't remember her face, I only have my pain of her not being here today. I thought it would help by naming my daughter after my little sister, and it did a little, but every time I call my daughter by her full name, it reminds me of the sister I loved and lost. I need some sort of closure that I will never get. This is honestly one of the worst kinds of pain one can go through, and I will have it with me for the rest of my life.
porterhousesteak porterhousesteak
22-25, M
1 Response Sep 12, 2012

How do people deal with this kind of pain? All I know how to do is to repress it until the pain rears it's ugly head once again....