Losing My First Born Son

8/19/2009

I never thought in my wildness dream I would have lost my oldest son out of my eight children.

On this date, my son and I spent most of the day together. That evening we were hosting a bike nite and he was the DJ and I was his MC.  A son and mother act if you what to call it that.

This was our third event.  The riders were coming in from everywhere to share the evening together.

Then when it was all over, I look at my son before he got on his motorcycle, and I told him I will see him at home to unload the van that had his dj stuff that was around 925pm.  When I got to his home, I was waiting in the drive way.  Just sitting there as I also had a cough and cold that evening.

I look up to my ex-husband and stated to him, "did you say he was coming and was behind us"  "yes" he reply.  Still waiting, I felt as something was wrong, so I call his cell phone and it went straight into his voice mail.  Something that never happens.  I called again, the same thing happen.

I say that is strange.  It never goes into his voice mail.  Therefore I text him, "arent your coming"   943 pm no reply.

So, I thought to myself maybe he was still with his friends from the miltary.  You see my son at the age of 23 was a Sgt in the Army and many of his miltary friends were there that night.  One of his friends just came back from the mideast.

Therefore, as I was coughing, I said something is wrong, but I cant wait here all night.  So I called my daughter n law to tell her to check around because he is not answering his phone and see if he is with his friends.

As I came home, changed my clothes, the phone rang, "there was an accident but they are not sure if it was him"

I put my clothes back on and got into my car racing where I thought he would be, the faster I went the slower I felt I was going.  I told my ex-husband something is wrong, I feel it.  Sure enough it was him and he was rushed to the hositpal.

It was seconds that I came when he was brought in.  The hositpal was shock to see me.  the first thing I asked was, "does he have a hearbeat or not"  The man just look at me.  When we were told he did not make it, I look at my daughter n law who is expecting my first granddaughter.

That night we were not allowed to see him, and it was not because there was something wrong with his body.  There was an investigation with California Highway Patrol.  It appears after having all the information after a few days.  The officer hit or got to close to my son bike and may him lose control where he went into a wooden fence and died.  I was denied the right to see him, the only thing I was able to do after begging, was to say goodbye to him through the door! How helpless I felt as people were watching me tell my son, " I am so sorry, they wont let me see you, I know there is something wrong, I just dont know what, I will see you soon,"

Do you know help was called for him at 943 pm that night.

It was so hard, to tell the children ranging from 17 to 4 years old.

I re-live that night everyday.  I dont know where to go to talk about what happen to him or to our family.  Yes, his services were blessed, many people came from all over the world. I did speak on his behalf at the church, many were shock and told me how strong I was and the love I have for him.  "He is my son, my first born" I said.

But, I have lost a great best friend.  We did things together.  He did so many things for his sister and brothers, always thinking of them and protecting them as well. He was even showing me how to ride my Harley.  He was a great supporter. He was a wonder son who I was so proud of him.

I look for him everyday and look at this pictures.  I visit him just a bout everyday some times twice just to be close to him.  I think of how lonely he was and is and how scared  he was that night.  Did he call out of me, I ask myself sometimes.

Yes, many have told me time will heal, but I dont see how.  Many have said, your granddaughter will bring you joy.  I dont see how, she is not mine.  It will be a reminder of how I lost him over and over again.

I do keep myself busy, getting my daughter n law ready for the baby due this december, the reminder six children at home, my ex-husband is now out of my life, my second oldest son is trying to come home from the services to provide more support.

I know what depression is and I am not in denial, either.  I am just deeply hurt and I dont know what to do, because there is not much I can do because I cant bring him back.  Yes, one day as many say we will be together, but he is frozen at 23 and I will continue my life here on earth until that day we are toghter.

Yes, I know I am bless with my other children, but it is not the same, it will never be the same.  Parents should not bury their children.

I do pray and hope one day my heart is heal some.  But there are days I just want to scream.  Because he did not have to die.

I miss my son dearly as many one this site.  At least I am able to voice something because there is an investigation on this officer and the accident.  I hope this never happens to another family.  God, I hope not.

The hoildays are coming and he loved the hoildays and if he was just a child. Smiles always on his face.  This will be hard too.