Antonio Was Going To Be His Name

I lost my son this month... he was supposed to be born next week but there was complications and his heart slowed down and stopped and it was too late... i blame myself for it because the mother and I were living separately and I feel as if I took him for granted... I never would've imagined sitting here one day... with teary eyes remembering each second since my wife called me to tell me she was really worried and needed me to the point of hearing my son had no pulse... his heart stopped as mine seems to be this instant... all I have are regrets and memories of him... first ultrasounds... the times I talked to the belly... the tears of joy I had thinking about every waking moment I'd spend with him... he would be the light in the end of my tunnel... and now I'm in darkness... my friends haven't talked to me... they don't comfort me at all... they say things that fill me with sadness and rage... how can I be alright? I just lost the first son I'd ever have... my first... and he's gone... what adds on to my pain... are the mistakes I made leading to that moment... I was separated from my wife because of an ex gf I had who I believed was the love of my life... we were going to get a divorce... I thought it was for the best so my son wouldn't grow up with parents that argued and didn't get well with each other... but now I see I don't mind it... I look at the woman that I believed I'd end up with and I feel cold and empty when I look at her... she hasn't even talked to me to tell me she's sorry for my loss... to comfort me once... instead I'm with my wife... crying with her... because I made a mistake... and I'm connected to her forever... because only she knows my pain... the best friends I have don't really care ... they don't know my pain... I'm so cold inside... after this heartbreak I don't feel love... I see things different... I don't know how I'm going to live day by day knowing... I won't see my son grow up...