Long Day

His cancer took him. I was there holding him, death is mercifulless and horrific to witness. There is no place I would rather have been at that moment than with him but the memory of it sickens and haunts me at every turn. I had no idea I would not be able to let this go, to soften and smudge the thought. I had no idea how fresh and intact the moment would linger and adrupt in my mind like an unforcasted thunder storm. When I least expect it there it is, that horrible moment in all it's vivid horror, unshakeable and gut wrenching, rendering me weak and weepy.

Today is a difficult day. They all are actually but today especially so. No reason specifically it just is, as I suppose a great many more days shall be too. The days are long and time moves slowly. I don't know what to do with myself. I bump into so many memories here; I want to make changes but I'm not ready to erase his place, the mark he made here. So there seems nothing to do but maintain and that only takes so long and the hours left are quiet and still and full of the wicked task of grieving.

I desperately long for anything that will allow me a moment or two of escape; something that would ease my woe weary soul and offer me a wee promise of hope. My heart and mind seek relief and shelter from this storm. I know not where to turn or who to turn to. I am lost, truly lost.
Freestanding Freestanding
56-60, F
14 Responses Sep 17, 2013

The first few months for me after Kristin died were spent in complete tears. Four years later now I do not weep at the drop of a hat or have great pangs of ...remorse when I see her face in her son or daughter who live with me. We continue on.

My journey through grief has thus far been grueling yet also extremely enlightening on a deeply personal level...it is a journey of forward motion with long moments spent looking back.
Thank you for reading this post and your inspiring comment. I am sorry for your loss. Peace.

I'm sorry for your lost. I also know what your going through. I was a in home nurse for the elderly. It was difficult. Then about three years ago my Mama died. It was so sudden and I wasn't there when it happened. I was with her at the hospital. Even so I feel I let her down. Then my brothers disowned me, well pretty much my whole family did. They don't even talk to me. My husband don't understand and don't talk to me much any way. My son and grandson don't want me talking to them about it. So I live inside my self with my hurt and heartache. It takes time that's what I keep telling myself. Take it one day at a time and hold on to your memories. And I pray you have some one to talk to.

I, too, am sorry for your loss and your stressful family problems. I hope things get better and that you too have someone to talk to. Thank you.

I too have lost my soulmate to cancer. I can truly empathize. I read a quote yesterday and it made me think of concentrating my thoughts on the happy memories I have of the time I did spend with him. He has truly been a blessing. We can honour the memory of our loved ones by sharing with others the lessons they have thought us and by letting their light continue to shine through us.

If there is any substitute for love it is memory. To memorize then is to restore intimacy. Joseph Brodsky

I am sorry for your loss. Grief is brutal. The memories still sting for he is not here but I know one day those same memories will bring me great comfort. Thanks for your comment and the quote.

What a lucky man, to have you beside him at the end. That seems to be the final call of life, to be together, not alone. Easy to see in my dog, he lives to be right there with me. I need to work on being a better friend to my family, with my puppy dog as my teacher. A bichon, by the way, fluffy white.

Thank you. Those were indeed kind words, Ordinic. I too, have a little, fluffy black and white pup who is part bichon and he too reminds me of other things and other deeds yet to be...

You feel sad because the human part of your being is feeling a loss that your soul knows doesnt and will never exist, like a battle between human thoughts of an ending of existance and the souls divine knowledge that such an end isnt possible.... hes never gone from you, never will be. Inside im betting you know you'll be together fully 1 day. Til then just try and take comfort in that truth, talk to him as if nothing ever happened, he hears you, ask him for signs and keep an open heart and mind and trust he'll show them to you. Hope what ive told you helps a bit at least. Peace and blessings to you always.

I feel him with me. I talk to him. He answers me. He being there and me being here is unbearable. I am lonely beyond anything I've ever known. It sucks.
Thank you for your encouragement, there is much work for me to do to heal and feel whole.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know the memory will always be there and he will be in your heart. Now at least you have someone watching over you from above. I don't know how to go about moving on but maybe talking with others can help ease the pain.

I do feel he is watching over me and I love feeling it gives me. Thank you for your kind words, holehearted79

Check out her site---Dr Mary Neal, "To Heaven and Back". My wish is that it will give you the peace and understanding you want----and a smile in your heart

Thank you emerson52, I will do that this evening and report back.

Thank you for the blessings, onitaly.

Your story touched me!!!! Many many blessings to you in your time of grieving....

Through all your wrenching pain, you wrote a story that will touch so many, Freestanding. We feel human after reading this... We feel sad that we can't ease your pain... We feel respect for the loss you are suffering... We feel fragile... And oh so human. Thank you for this moment in time.

Thank you Kathieredart for those very kind words.

I wasn't going to visit my mom at the dementia home until tomorrow, but after reading your story I logged out and bought soft serve Icecream for the whole home. Your story reminded me of how fragile life is and caused me to act today, not tomorrow. So you see, your willingness to share something so personal made a difference. Hugs. XXX

Ah, the amazing beauty of how one act connects another act, how love moves mountains or soft serve ice cream...good upon you, Kathieredart.

My heart and thoughts go out to you. I can't fully feel the extent of your pain, but if it is of any comfort, you are in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless you with peace and take away all your pain.

Thank you 123friend. Thank you very much.

I agree I need to BE one with my grief and to embrace it but it has been too many days of despair, mejj, I need moments of relief to re-charge. My body and mind can only take so much without escape even if it is short lived, I feel I will be stronger with my mind momentarily free of this thought.

I too, believe, with all my being that this awful maddening sorrow will leave. Thank you for your prayers, mejj.

Oh, Tas that is a wonderful idea...for next spring, as fall and freezing temperatures approach here, I will have to put that off...I do have a great spot...and I could shop for tiles...and plan :) Thank you. I need many pushes and much help balancing, this length of path is treacherous.

Yes, but meanwhile you could sketch and design it .. maybe dolphins chasing each other round .. :)

Despite your pain your writing is extremely beautiful. <br />
Maybe you could create something else very beautiful, something that is honoring your grief but may take your thoughts way while you focus on it. I am thinking of something like a small mosaic pond .