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I Lost A Whole Lot More...

About a year ago, I lost my virginity to my stepfather. I blame myself for the incident a little bit. If I had maybe fought a little harder, screamed a little louder, maybe I'd still be a virgin. My therapist and grandparents continue to try convince me that it isn't so, but I just feel deep down inside that my mother is right after all, maybe I did seduce him like she said. The only problem with that, is that he pleaded guilty on his own accord, and everytime he touched me, he gave some sorry excuse  of an apology afterwards. I think that was the worst part, the fact that someone could do something that they knew was wrong, and think it could be so easily erased with some half-assed apology. My brothers blame themselves now, my oldest brother because:he was out with his girlfriend that night. And my youngest brother blames himself because he was in the next room and he heard everything. I don't blame either of them because even if my older brother had of been there, it wouldn't probably only delayed the incident until we were alone or something. I don't blame my little brother either because I would've hated for him to try and intervene and get himself beaten up. I used to look at my stepfather in awe whe we were out in public. When we were places like church, the man that couldn't keep his cold hands off of me, was the loving, kind, handsome father that everyone wanted to be around because he was so funny. Maybe my mother was right, maybe I did bring out the worst in him. After everything happened and he was convicted, all I wanted to do was sleep. I found this a pleasant way to escape reality besides some other resort like self-mutilation. So I basically just started sleeping all of the time. I just wanted escape so I slept through class, through church, through the day and etc. That was until he found his way to my dreams too. Now I can't sleep because I have frequent nightmares about what he used to do. I wish I didnt look the way I looked, because though it's flattering to be called pretty and gorgeous and all, where did it get me? I wish I didnt start "developing" at the rate that I did, because that was when he started taking an interest in me. I was 12 when he started the comments and the quick pats, and nasty kisses, but it was when I was 13 still a small 4'9 100 lb girl, but in those "areas" I really started to grow. That's when the big stuff started happening. The sneaking into my room, the tongue-kisses, and a whole lot more. On that night of October 2010, there was so many things I could've done differently. I should've came home at 10:00 rather than 10:10 then he would've left me alone. Better yet I should've stayed out later, so I could sneak home while everyone was sleep. The thing that I know could've helped me the most though, was my mother. She could've done so much in that situation that would've prevented ANY OF THIS to happen. She was there that night, and she saw and heard everything!She saw him drag me into my room and throw me against the wall, slap me, then throw me on  the bed and she watched as he slammed the door. She heard me screaming, him yelling and grunting. Im pretty sure she saw him walk out with my blood on his pants and legs. She knew about everything that had ever happened, for one becauseI had told her, and secondly because she had either witnessed or heard it. Regardless I lost my virginity to my stepfather but I ended up losing a whole lot more than just that.
deleted deleted 26-30 60 Responses Sep 7, 2011

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If u want to talk i am here for u and u have no reason 2 blame urself.

That piece of trash cannot be called a man....he deserves a slow and painful death.....i am not one for tolerating this type of sh!t pardon my french....if i had been there you would've been ok and the police would have gone to pick up a dead body...what the hell is this prison crap..? No wonder criminals think they can get away with anything...i hope you heal and live a happy life...god bless you

I've mentored little girls, teens, and young women who've been through what you've been through. It isn't your fault, you didn't seduce him. You were 13...13 honey, he was/is a sick man. He was sick before he came into your life, HE had the issue. It just so happened that he found you to be a target because he sensed weakness in your mom. Not blaming yoir mom, but she had a duty to protect you, she failed. Instead she blames you for seducing her man. She sounds like a jealous teenaged girl. She 's blamimg you instead of placing blame on the right people. She may be so ashamed and stricken with guilt that blaming other is her way of coping with the reality of what happened. Either way, she's wrong. I will say this...your profile states you're in your 20's, the traumatic event occured when you were 13. You're such a strong young woman. You're still here, sharing your story. I'm sure you have issues related to men, sex, trust, Im sure you have some walls built up to protect yourself, it's normal girl. There are young women, young men, boys and girls, all who've been through what you have been through. I encourage you to find a way to help those little ones, help them heal there broken spirits, show them that life after rape is possible. This man almost broke you, but you're still standing...share your story...you could save a life.

No I I don't think this girl is in her 20s, like she may be older that 13 now(looking at the date it was written & all) but the account name says "deleted", when someone deletes their profile that's the name that their stories, they choose to stay on here, are given. I think it's really cool that she at least left her stories here for other girls to read though, seeing as though she could've decided to delete them along with her profile! <|3

There is no one more despicable than a mother that refuses to protect her child :(

My god take vengeance on him may your moms life learn true I get mad everytime someone tells the story of the Watcher the evil inside of the heart why is it that he enters our soul after our parents turn

Stay strong your not alone

I am really sorry for what happened to you... I just want you to know you are not alone. I was raped last year and my mother keeps elling me how it was my fault, I should have fought harder... But you know what, it was neighther of our faults... You where abused and you deserve all the supporte you need... Just know that I understand how it is to feel like you have lost all the confidence you ever had with your mother...

That's really sad and ****** up how your "mom" treated you :( It's not your fault! I wish you the best and many good things to come. Keep strong! :]

Oh my God, I am so sorry, your story brought tears to my eyes.....your Mother should have protected you from that Bastard. Is that Bastard in prison? He should be & so should the woman you called Mom...neither of these people deserve the respect that the titles Mom & Dad bring....Again I am so sorry...stay strong

Well, at least he is locked up

How you doing?

I am so sorry for you, and sad that your mom did not do her best to protect you. I hope this experience will become a positive one for you..when you reach out to women who have also been abused and have gone through such trauma...when you help others heal, that is when you start your healing process.

I have so much I'd love to say, but my extreme emotions from your story keeps me stuffing my mouth!
The fact that you buy into your mother's manipulation to guilt makes me so angry at her and so sad for you! Your anger at your mother you spoke if at the end of your story is appropriate! Your anger towards your mother's actions and non-actions is hitting the nail on the head! Unfortunately, it'll take time for that guilt to fade; but in time, you'll be in control of your emotions towards yourself in a positive way!
You're very courageous!
Pam

I feel terrible. That is just sickening and ugh horrible. Now I know I don't know u but if u needa talk im here. Thats just wrong in soo many ways. I wish you the best of luck.

I am sorry I will pray for you because your. Mom shoulda been watching you and then it. Was not your fault. Your stepdad had. No buniess touching you anyways no one should touch achild my heart goes out to you forgive him and move on rember you are special and beatiful inside and out ask god to give you gudiace protectionand faith have peace in your heart. And then have faith be strong and believe in yourself because honey I been there did that and seen that still going through that but don't. Be like me don't let that affect you your dreams and future keep ya head up don't lett. No one bringn you down and don't lower your standards for no one don't let that bring you down keep things positive and my heart goeses oout to you don't give up

My heart and prays go out you. Be brave

its gonna be okay! you'll be fine with time...i know its hard but u seem like a brave girl...you're pretty and you'll find someone who cares for you and deserves you :)

:)

This touched my heart <3. Know that every day and every minute there are people who love and appreciate you. And know that you caused none of it. I admire your I sooooo much.

aww hun my heart really goes out to you.
i mean for someone so young to go through such a horrible ordeal! just know that none of what happened is your fault and that you really a strong person. it's not easy to reach out and share something so private, especially on the internet of all places where there are always people out there ready to make a bad memory all the worse.
i shall pray for your recovery and just know that things will get better, i just know they will and as i said i will pray for your safety and recovery.
if you ever need someone to talk to then my ears will remain open to you, feel free to add me as a friend and i will try my hardest to be there for you.
i really do hope you and your family have a lovely christmas.
god bless xxx

Your mom is as guilty as him, I really feel for. I'm not saying this so you can feel some type of angry way about your mother.. but she's wrong, extremely wrong. This could not possibly be your fault ! he was the sicko for seeking in you what he should had in your mother.. you have to let the guilt go, because there shouldn't be none. Keep your head up, life will take care of him..

I know what it is like it happened to me xx. Message me if you want to talk xxx

That sico
Was
The exception
That proves
Bd things don't happen
To good people

You are not the blame for such a SICK PERSON. He was going to do this one way or the other. I hope you have the love and support of your family. Your brothers are not to blame either. Your youngest brother was probably afraid,or didn't know how to react to the situation. I'm so sorry you and your brothers are dealing with that. I too had been rape at a young age.

your story makes me cry. and i really wanna give you a big hug! my father also abused me and my mother thats why we left.. we were homeless for a long time.. nasty stuff has happend. but really girl. its gonna get better. if we hold on, find the good things in life. like your brothers and grandparents. make sure you love and dont regret a single day! keep your head up. and stay strong <3

:)

did you tell your grandparents? how about your dad? sure they will care, your mum sounds like a *****, i dont like her. if she knew and saw him ran out of your room with blood on his pants and did nothing about it then she should be sentenced as an associate rape.i think you should contact police for this matter.

your mother is a piece of **** for letting this happen for a start and he should do hard time for what he did. YOU were a child and in their care and they didn't care enough. It wasn't your fault at all !! don't ever think that. HE was to blame and your so called mother was an accessory after the fact if not during. she should do time also. Just remember you are the survivor and can do your best in life to achieve great things. Being a survivor is alot easier than being a victim. One more thing is to remember that there are people to call at anytime night or day to talk to if you need to. take care of yourself, think good thoughts and good luck !!

What a devestating story , i'm So sorry you had to go through that >.< i Almost got raped myself , so if you Ever need a friend to talk to , add me/hit me up : )

I have gone through the same thing. My mother doesn't know and I haven't reported it, because it went on for years but stopped now. I don't know what to do cause it's messing with my life in ways I can't explain.
I'm so sorry that your mother turned out the way she did, I can't imagine how bad that must be.
Take care and be strong. For yourself and for me. ::')

Your mom is a sick twisted b***h

You're in pretty confused stage. N it's a common reacting to blame yourself. A lot of abuse victims do. You can make excuses for him or ur mother all u want, but at some point u will have to face the fact that these two grown adults failed u, abused u, hurt u. They took something from u that wasn't for them to take - ur sense of self, control n ur right as a human being to be safe.
It's good that he is convicted n he pleaded guilty. But so should ur failure n unloving of a mother. In my eyes, she should have protect u at all cost, instead of blaming u n letting u to be abused. U need to accept that this is who she chose to be. N u have the choice to not believe in any of her deluded statements about u.
I know u're in a bad state right now. N it might be for a long while. But I am comfort by the fact u're sound like a kind, intelligent young girl. U have much going for u. N sounds to me u have siblings that loves u. I do hope u feel safe n r treated well at ur current living situation with ur grandparents. I hope they love n care for u like u deserve.
Take care! N remember u're worth - u're a good person:)

Wow ur my age...it's so weird, I never thought this could happen, I never thought ppl could ever do this, I never heard of this happening, but I just did. Y WON'T UR MOM BELIEVE U?!!!!!!!<br />
If he EVER does it again, don't take a shower (even tho it's tempting) cuz wats on u, is evidence. Call da police &...well, u know the rest. May god bless ur soul (-:

Don't ever blame yourself dear! Blame that mother******* step dad. think about it he caused you all this pain. and that thing with your mom just ignore her she'll feel the need to applogize. Most importantly dont blame yourself. Blame him!