I Lost A Whole Lot More...About a year ago, I lost my virginity to my stepfather. I blame myself for the incident a little bit. If I had maybe fought a little harder, screamed a little louder, maybe I'd still be a virgin. My therapist and grandparents continue to try convince me that it isn't so, but I just feel deep down inside that my mother is right after all, maybe I did seduce him like she said. The only problem with that, is that he pleaded guilty on his own accord, and everytime he touched me, he gave some sorry excuse of an apology afterwards. I think that was the worst part, the fact that someone could do something that they knew was wrong, and think it could be so easily erased with some half-assed apology. My brothers blame themselves now, my oldest brother because:he was out with his girlfriend that night. And my youngest brother blames himself because he was in the next room and he heard everything. I don't blame either of them because even if my older brother had of been there, it wouldn't probably only delayed the incident until we were alone or something. I don't blame my little brother either because I would've hated for him to try and intervene and get himself beaten up. I used to look at my stepfather in awe whe we were out in public. When we were places like church, the man that couldn't keep his cold hands off of me, was the loving, kind, handsome father that everyone wanted to be around because he was so funny. Maybe my mother was right, maybe I did bring out the worst in him. After everything happened and he was convicted, all I wanted to do was sleep. I found this a pleasant way to escape reality besides some other resort like self-mutilation. So I basically just started sleeping all of the time. I just wanted escape so I slept through class, through church, through the day and etc. That was until he found his way to my dreams too. Now I can't sleep because I have frequent nightmares about what he used to do. I wish I didnt look the way I looked, because though it's flattering to be called pretty and gorgeous and all, where did it get me? I wish I didnt start "developing" at the rate that I did, because that was when he started taking an interest in me. I was 12 when he started the comments and the quick pats, and nasty kisses, but it was when I was 13 still a small 4'9 100 lb girl, but in those "areas" I really started to grow. That's when the big stuff started happening. The sneaking into my room, the tongue-kisses, and a whole lot more. On that night of October 2010, there was so many things I could've done differently. I should've came home at 10:00 rather than 10:10 then he would've left me alone. Better yet I should've stayed out later, so I could sneak home while everyone was sleep. The thing that I know could've helped me the most though, was my mother. She could've done so much in that situation that would've prevented ANY OF THIS to happen. She was there that night, and she saw and heard everything!She saw him drag me into my room and throw me against the wall, slap me, then throw me on the bed and she watched as he slammed the door. She heard me screaming, him yelling and grunting. Im pretty sure she saw him walk out with my blood on his pants and legs. She knew about everything that had ever happened, for one becauseI had told her, and secondly because she had either witnessed or heard it. Regardless I lost my virginity to my stepfather but I ended up losing a whole lot more than just that.
deleted 26-30 60 Responses 20 Sep 7, 2011