I Lost A Whole Lot More...

About a year ago, I lost my virginity to my stepfather. I blame myself for the incident a little bit. If I had maybe fought a little harder, screamed a little louder, maybe I'd still be a virgin. My therapist and grandparents continue to try convince me that it isn't so, but I just feel deep down inside that my mother is right after all, maybe I did seduce him like she said. The only problem with that, is that he pleaded guilty on his own accord, and everytime he touched me, he gave some sorry excuse  of an apology afterwards. I think that was the worst part, the fact that someone could do something that they knew was wrong, and think it could be so easily erased with some half-assed apology. My brothers blame themselves now, my oldest brother because:he was out with his girlfriend that night. And my youngest brother blames himself because he was in the next room and he heard everything. I don't blame either of them because even if my older brother had of been there, it wouldn't probably only delayed the incident until we were alone or something. I don't blame my little brother either because I would've hated for him to try and intervene and get himself beaten up. I used to look at my stepfather in awe whe we were out in public. When we were places like church, the man that couldn't keep his cold hands off of me, was the loving, kind, handsome father that everyone wanted to be around because he was so funny. Maybe my mother was right, maybe I did bring out the worst in him. After everything happened and he was convicted, all I wanted to do was sleep. I found this a pleasant way to escape reality besides some other resort like self-mutilation. So I basically just started sleeping all of the time. I just wanted escape so I slept through class, through church, through the day and etc. That was until he found his way to my dreams too. Now I can't sleep because I have frequent nightmares about what he used to do. I wish I didnt look the way I looked, because though it's flattering to be called pretty and gorgeous and all, where did it get me? I wish I didnt start "developing" at the rate that I did, because that was when he started taking an interest in me. I was 12 when he started the comments and the quick pats, and nasty kisses, but it was when I was 13 still a small 4'9 100 lb girl, but in those "areas" I really started to grow. That's when the big stuff started happening. The sneaking into my room, the tongue-kisses, and a whole lot more. On that night of October 2010, there was so many things I could've done differently. I should've came home at 10:00 rather than 10:10 then he would've left me alone. Better yet I should've stayed out later, so I could sneak home while everyone was sleep. The thing that I know could've helped me the most though, was my mother. She could've done so much in that situation that would've prevented ANY OF THIS to happen. She was there that night, and she saw and heard everything!She saw him drag me into my room and throw me against the wall, slap me, then throw me on  the bed and she watched as he slammed the door. She heard me screaming, him yelling and grunting. Im pretty sure she saw him walk out with my blood on his pants and legs. She knew about everything that had ever happened, for one becauseI had told her, and secondly because she had either witnessed or heard it. Regardless I lost my virginity to my stepfather but I ended up losing a whole lot more than just that.
deleted deleted
59 Responses Sep 7, 2011

If u want to talk i am here for u and u have no reason 2 blame urself.

That piece of trash cannot be called a man....he deserves a slow and painful death.....i am not one for tolerating this type of sh!t pardon my french....if i had been there you would've been ok and the police would have gone to pick up a dead body...what the hell is this prison crap..? No wonder criminals think they can get away with anything...i hope you heal and live a happy life...god bless you

I've mentored little girls, teens, and young women who've been through what you've been through. It isn't your fault, you didn't seduce him. You were 13...13 honey, he was/is a sick man. He was sick before he came into your life, HE had the issue. It just so happened that he found you to be a target because he sensed weakness in your mom. Not blaming yoir mom, but she had a duty to protect you, she failed. Instead she blames you for seducing her man. She sounds like a jealous teenaged girl. She 's blamimg you instead of placing blame on the right people. She may be so ashamed and stricken with guilt that blaming other is her way of coping with the reality of what happened. Either way, she's wrong. I will say this...your profile states you're in your 20's, the traumatic event occured when you were 13. You're such a strong young woman. You're still here, sharing your story. I'm sure you have issues related to men, sex, trust, Im sure you have some walls built up to protect yourself, it's normal girl. There are young women, young men, boys and girls, all who've been through what you have been through. I encourage you to find a way to help those little ones, help them heal there broken spirits, show them that life after rape is possible. This man almost broke you, but you're still standing...share your story...you could save a life.

No I I don't think this girl is in her 20s, like she may be older that 13 now(looking at the date it was written & all) but the account name says "deleted", when someone deletes their profile that's the name that their stories, they choose to stay on here, are given. I think it's really cool that she at least left her stories here for other girls to read though, seeing as though she could've decided to delete them along with her profile! <|3

There is no one more despicable than a mother that refuses to protect her child :(

My god take vengeance on him may your moms life learn true I get mad everytime someone tells the story of the Watcher the evil inside of the heart why is it that he enters our soul after our parents turn

Stay strong your not alone

I am really sorry for what happened to you... I just want you to know you are not alone. I was raped last year and my mother keeps elling me how it was my fault, I should have fought harder... But you know what, it was neighther of our faults... You where abused and you deserve all the supporte you need... Just know that I understand how it is to feel like you have lost all the confidence you ever had with your mother...

That's really sad and ****** up how your "mom" treated you :( It's not your fault! I wish you the best and many good things to come. Keep strong! :]

Oh my God, I am so sorry, your story brought tears to my eyes.....your Mother should have protected you from that Bastard. Is that Bastard in prison? He should be & so should the woman you called Mom...neither of these people deserve the respect that the titles Mom & Dad bring....Again I am so sorry...stay strong

Well, at least he is locked up

How you doing?

I am so sorry for you, and sad that your mom did not do her best to protect you. I hope this experience will become a positive one for you..when you reach out to women who have also been abused and have gone through such trauma...when you help others heal, that is when you start your healing process.

I have so much I'd love to say, but my extreme emotions from your story keeps me stuffing my mouth!
The fact that you buy into your mother's manipulation to guilt makes me so angry at her and so sad for you! Your anger at your mother you spoke if at the end of your story is appropriate! Your anger towards your mother's actions and non-actions is hitting the nail on the head! Unfortunately, it'll take time for that guilt to fade; but in time, you'll be in control of your emotions towards yourself in a positive way!
You're very courageous!

I feel terrible. That is just sickening and ugh horrible. Now I know I don't know u but if u needa talk im here. Thats just wrong in soo many ways. I wish you the best of luck.

I am sorry I will pray for you because your. Mom shoulda been watching you and then it. Was not your fault. Your stepdad had. No buniess touching you anyways no one should touch achild my heart goes out to you forgive him and move on rember you are special and beatiful inside and out ask god to give you gudiace protectionand faith have peace in your heart. And then have faith be strong and believe in yourself because honey I been there did that and seen that still going through that but don't. Be like me don't let that affect you your dreams and future keep ya head up don't lett. No one bringn you down and don't lower your standards for no one don't let that bring you down keep things positive and my heart goeses oout to you don't give up

My heart and prays go out you. Be brave

its gonna be okay! you'll be fine with time...i know its hard but u seem like a brave girl...you're pretty and you'll find someone who cares for you and deserves you :)


This touched my heart <3. Know that every day and every minute there are people who love and appreciate you. And know that you caused none of it. I admire your I sooooo much.

aww hun my heart really goes out to you.
i mean for someone so young to go through such a horrible ordeal! just know that none of what happened is your fault and that you really a strong person. it's not easy to reach out and share something so private, especially on the internet of all places where there are always people out there ready to make a bad memory all the worse.
i shall pray for your recovery and just know that things will get better, i just know they will and as i said i will pray for your safety and recovery.
if you ever need someone to talk to then my ears will remain open to you, feel free to add me as a friend and i will try my hardest to be there for you.
i really do hope you and your family have a lovely christmas.
god bless xxx

Your mom is as guilty as him, I really feel for. I'm not saying this so you can feel some type of angry way about your mother.. but she's wrong, extremely wrong. This could not possibly be your fault ! he was the sicko for seeking in you what he should had in your mother.. you have to let the guilt go, because there shouldn't be none. Keep your head up, life will take care of him..

I know what it is like it happened to me xx. Message me if you want to talk xxx

That sico
The exception
That proves
Bd things don't happen
To good people

You are not the blame for such a SICK PERSON. He was going to do this one way or the other. I hope you have the love and support of your family. Your brothers are not to blame either. Your youngest brother was probably afraid,or didn't know how to react to the situation. I'm so sorry you and your brothers are dealing with that. I too had been rape at a young age.

your story makes me cry. and i really wanna give you a big hug! my father also abused me and my mother thats why we left.. we were homeless for a long time.. nasty stuff has happend. but really girl. its gonna get better. if we hold on, find the good things in life. like your brothers and grandparents. make sure you love and dont regret a single day! keep your head up. and stay strong <3


did you tell your grandparents? how about your dad? sure they will care, your mum sounds like a *****, i dont like her. if she knew and saw him ran out of your room with blood on his pants and did nothing about it then she should be sentenced as an associate rape.i think you should contact police for this matter.

your mother is a piece of **** for letting this happen for a start and he should do hard time for what he did. YOU were a child and in their care and they didn't care enough. It wasn't your fault at all !! don't ever think that. HE was to blame and your so called mother was an accessory after the fact if not during. she should do time also. Just remember you are the survivor and can do your best in life to achieve great things. Being a survivor is alot easier than being a victim. One more thing is to remember that there are people to call at anytime night or day to talk to if you need to. take care of yourself, think good thoughts and good luck !!

What a devestating story , i'm So sorry you had to go through that >.< i Almost got raped myself , so if you Ever need a friend to talk to , add me/hit me up : )

I have gone through the same thing. My mother doesn't know and I haven't reported it, because it went on for years but stopped now. I don't know what to do cause it's messing with my life in ways I can't explain.
I'm so sorry that your mother turned out the way she did, I can't imagine how bad that must be.
Take care and be strong. For yourself and for me. ::')

Your mom is a sick twisted b***h

You're in pretty confused stage. N it's a common reacting to blame yourself. A lot of abuse victims do. You can make excuses for him or ur mother all u want, but at some point u will have to face the fact that these two grown adults failed u, abused u, hurt u. They took something from u that wasn't for them to take - ur sense of self, control n ur right as a human being to be safe.
It's good that he is convicted n he pleaded guilty. But so should ur failure n unloving of a mother. In my eyes, she should have protect u at all cost, instead of blaming u n letting u to be abused. U need to accept that this is who she chose to be. N u have the choice to not believe in any of her deluded statements about u.
I know u're in a bad state right now. N it might be for a long while. But I am comfort by the fact u're sound like a kind, intelligent young girl. U have much going for u. N sounds to me u have siblings that loves u. I do hope u feel safe n r treated well at ur current living situation with ur grandparents. I hope they love n care for u like u deserve.
Take care! N remember u're worth - u're a good person:)

Wow ur my age...it's so weird, I never thought this could happen, I never thought ppl could ever do this, I never heard of this happening, but I just did. Y WON'T UR MOM BELIEVE U?!!!!!!!<br />
If he EVER does it again, don't take a shower (even tho it's tempting) cuz wats on u, is evidence. Call da police &...well, u know the rest. May god bless ur soul (-:

Don't ever blame yourself dear! Blame that mother******* step dad. think about it he caused you all this pain. and that thing with your mom just ignore her she'll feel the need to applogize. Most importantly dont blame yourself. Blame him!

gabby add me on facebook james sincere im truly sorry about this may god watch you through out life I wanna talk to you add me :) im 15 btw

i'm so sorry to read what horror you have been through and i hate your mom for being so weak

That is so messed up but try not to let it ruin your life. I'm available if you want to talk :(

i'm sorry to know that ...I would welcome any message from you. . I am open to discuss anything you would like.

you can report that and its punishable in everyway

I am sorry about what has happened, but it is really hard for me to feel that this is a real post. If it is a real post, then I hope you can at least sympathize with what your mother is going through right now. She obviously has some anger built up within her, and unfortunately misplaced it on the victim. If you want to make your experience more authentic to readers, you might want to leave out all the facts of your body height, weight and pubescent growth to instead focus on describing your emotions and the experience.

For many years I blamed myself for not been able to stop abuse that was in my family.<br />
This blame festered in me and was eating me up from the inside out, sometimes the pain was so much I just wanted to end it all.<br />
It was not my fault, I was too little to do anything about it. I was just a small child.<br />
<br />
It was not your fault. Keep telling yourself that. It was not your fault.<br />
You are stronger then you realise.<br />
Tap into that hidden strength.<br />
Please don't blame yourself.<br />
It was not your fault.

Its ok Gabby. I understand, to me you are not whining, you are hurting. I know you are trying and I know you will be strong. It takes time to heal the wounds that was not your fault.
Also, when I say to be strong, I don't mean to hold back the tears. Its ok to cry in my books if that is what it takes to feel better and it does help to cry. I cry sometimes to get it out of my system when things get to much for me.
I mean strong to overcome that overwhelming feeling and not blame yourself.

Don't <i>ever</i> blame yourself

I empathise as I have been raped and sexually assaulted too. I am slowly coming to terms now as it has festered away far to long. My psychologist and I are working through a lot of issues, this being one of them so I do understand.I keep telling myself "It is NOT my fault".

i'm so sorry that happened to you.

its never your fault. you are a kid and you should never have suffered that trauma and humiliation. wish you a lot of luck for your future and hope you stop blaming yourself one day for that horrible incident. just take care. god bless.. :)

Girl what the hell is wrong with you..<br />
You are a child. Every child loves attention...<br />
When we are kids, we are immature and dumb but your stepfather was a grown up man at least.<br />
You didn't go naked front of him that he got aroused.<br />
He used you and YOU DID NOT SEDUCE HIM...........<br />
<br />
Your mother could have stopped everything from happening, but she sided her husband rather than her child.<br />
<br />
GabbyMicah you are a sweetheart..<br />
You are blaming yourself for everything whereas YOU ARE COMPLETELY INNOCENT.<br />
<br />
I dont know whether you have forgiven you stepfather or not but please release yourself away from this guilt..............<br />
<br />
If he was my father i would have killed him ......... and i mean it<br />
<br />
take care my dear<br />
and you are in my prayers

that is so awful. both of your parents are very sick individuals. please make sure you never blame yourself. he was wrong for what he did, and your mother has failed you, because as a mother, you are there first and foremost to PROTECT you children, regardless of the consequences. stay strong sweetie.

many mothers blame the child so they are not at fault for what happened

I was in many similiar situations. Honey please don't EVER blame yourself for what happened. It's not your fault nothing you would've done would have prevented his sick *** from raping you. I want you to be strong so he won't see how much he hurt you it'll only please him. I am here for you if you ever need a friend just come to me I understand every bit of what happened. Please stay strong and never let him get you down or **** up all that you've done in your own life :)

I will always be there as a friend and I know after all the bs people now have to put up with it's worth having friends I don't have very many people in my life due to one person telling everyone what my daddy did to me but your welcome I am always here if you need someone to text or talk to let me know and I will be here

Omg I Feel soooooo Badd for you! . I Hopee you can overcome this horrid situation . But honestly I Don't think anyone that has to deal with this all their life could...& I also can't believe what your mom has done! Watching the girl that she gave birth to going through hell and NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!?!?!?!?! Like Forreal , My mom wouldn't shot them right then & there ... Well Anyways , BE STRONG!!!!!!

Your mom is a pathetic excuse for a mom! How could she just stand there and watch your step-dad violate you? Out of love, she's done a great sin.

dont blame yourself, it is not your fault or mistake at all, no one should be raped for any reason or in any back ground, also there has no excuse for a rapist. You dont have blame yourself because whatever you've done are not the reason for people do such a bad thing, really wish you can back up soon, sorry for my english is really off.

like seriously??????? wtf????? how could your mom stood there and witnessed it all,,,she is crazy im telling. i wouldnt forgive her.

Im sorry, Im sorry ur mother failed u, Im sorry ur father failed u, but God did not will not fail u and u did not fail ur self. U r strong because u spoke, u cried out for him to stop, U told the cops, and justice was served, trust me, he still has more to pay. God help those who help themselves, u spoke, justice was served, remember a close mouth never gets fed, u spoked and was heard. Keep on speaking.

it is not your fault and it never will be i mean i never had been raped but my parents protect me from everything i really mean everything one year my parent wouldn't let me go outside without a walkie talkie but now i see why and i thank them for that but anyway i think your mother did not call the police or did anything is because she felt like she wasn't pretty as you or beautiful as you so she thought that she could get her boyfriend to like her better than you is to go on his side and make him think like she could trust her i mean it wasn't about if she loved you more or not or if she loved him more or not it was about how she felt about herself and how she wanted him to think of her but that dose not give her an excuse what she did was unforgivable and she to should be punished as much as that man was punished

You know, girl, your mother blames you, but it was HER fault, and she KNOWS it. She does not want to say it to herself because it is easier to blame you, the weakest one. And moreover, she knows that you blame yourself, and she uses it.<br />
From the very beginning, adults are responsible for everything that happens between the adult and the teenager. So you should not be under attack -- the rapist is responsible, and your mother. And even if you did your best to seduce this man -- HE is responsible, as well as SHE is. According to your post, she is the PASSIVE ACCOMPLICE of the CRIME. And by the way, she were to protect you. Did she call the police? Did she started to fight? Did she call the neighbor or anybody to help you? Who should she blame?<br />
Just imagine -- close relative robs the child and says: I'm not responsible because I like money and she opened the wallet in front of me. Don't you think it's absurd? Sexual assault is the robbery, the robbery of will, trust, virginity, self-respect. And in your case -- parents as well, though I'm sorry to say it.<br />
So stop blaming yourself -- they both take a perfect strategy to defend THEMSELVES, not you. Do not play their game.<br />
PS: I do not know your case, but sleeping all the time, as well as nightmares seem to be a sufficient reaction of your mind on everything you've come through. From the very beginning you were unable to cope with it in your dreams and you needed a lot of rest -- you were sleeping all the time. Later your mind was able to face the situation, and you are able to face your fear. It is difficult, it hurts, hell ... IT HURTS..., but you need to unveil all the details to your counselor. If it is still too difficult to do it -- write it down in some notebook. And, by the way, it is a good idea to write down all the details of your dreams, and to show them to your counselor. And you can also draw, of course. It helps.<br />
Best wishes.

Dont blame your self it was him. he was an adult and you were only a child he should have kept his hands and body to him self i hope you lisen to your grandma and therapist!!! it is defanatly NOT YOUR FAULT!!! i wish you all the best for your futcher and that you enjoy your life and get put this behind you. Good luck <3

it's not your fault and i know ppl says everything happens for a reason so maybe this was to make you stronger. anyway i'm here for support and so are a lot other people so if you ever need to talk im here for anyone who needs help.

Shame on your mother. Woman do stupid things when they 'love' a guy and they refuse to see things that are clearly there. Woman love the attention of guys and some people will ignore those around them to get it. I'm sorry for what happened to you but, you know everyone who's telling you "it's not your fault," is right. You can't help the way you look, and besides when you are13 you're still a child. Even if you may think you're an adult your not and he had no right to do that to you, even if you had breast or looked more like a woman. He should know better especially since he's in a relationship with your mother. You have to keep your head up and don't let him stop you from living your life and being the person you are meant to be. Yes it will be hard and from personally experience you never forget when things like that happen to you, but you have to cry let yourself be sad, but then come out stronger because you can't let him take more then what he already has away from you. You have to be stronger then that.

I think that when things like this happen theirs a lot of shame attached to it, like i know it was for me, and i think that it takes time, and forgiveness to overcome this. Idk if i could ever expect you to forgive him or your mother but you should forgive yourself, because you are important. I think that the answers you want from your mother are justified for sure! but the only thing is if she's willing to give them to you, and sometimes people are not prepared to do that. For some people it will be easier to pretend it never happened then to deal with the results. I don't know if you told anyone else close to you besides your family, (like close friends) about what happened to you, but i think that a good support system will help you, especially when it gets closer to that day, you know to remind you. Trust is something that is developed and even thought you are paying a therapist i think that same logic still applies and hopefully as you see them more you'll become more open, and not continue 'to sell yourself short'. I think that maybe you should ask your mother if she wants to go to a therapy session with you then in a safe environment maybe you can ask her the questions that you want answered. Idk if this was suggested but I think it could be worth a try, it couldn't hurt to ask write. (and i'm sorry for the late reply, life has been crazy)

You could NOT have done anything differently (you do not have a time machine or the gift of foresight)<br />
and you did nothing wrong. What happened was NOT your fault and the person at fault is now in jail.<br />
Do NOT blame your mother: she is unlikely to be big enough, strong enough or brave enough to have been able to do much other than call the police and right or wrong, she was no doubt also constrained by her love for your stepfather; which is why she talks in terms of you seducing him (she no doubt resents the fact that you are more attractive than her) and does not want to admit to herself that her husband wanted you rather than her. That does not mean that she does not love you, it just means that she doesn't have a good grasp of reality and now feels unloved and unwanted.

I am afraid that there is no simple answer, and the only person that can really make some attempt at providing those answers is your mother. It is always very difficult to get someone to analyse their own emotions and reactions with total honesty but it is not unusual for those emotions to contain a mixture of things that are illogical. There is no doubt in my mind that your mother is more mixed up emotionally than most, so when you ask her a question, do so with care because it would no doubt be easy to provoke an adverse reaction. It could be a good thing for both you and your mother together, to seek help from a psychological councillor but your mother is dealing with very basic animal instincts and emotions and it is not always possible, even with the aid of a third party to resolve every issue.

ARE YOU INSANE?!!! Dont blame her mother?!! It is completely her fault.

Most if not all the victims of childabuse think it,s all their fault. You as well as your brother are not at fault. Your dad is 100% responsible.<br />
<br />
I,m sorry that your mother did,t support you. You deserved much better.<br />
<br />
Take good care of yourself, girl.

Thats just soul destroying what your mother did!!<br />
<br />
Please dont blame yourself, even if you did scream abit harder and louder, your mum probably wouldnt of done anything. <br />
<br />
Its never going to be your fault, ever.

This is a common enough scenario; I've read it a number of times even here on ep. You told your story; next, people will comment. What might be more useful is what John Lear says about life: "We are given challenges in life; most people call these challenges 'bad luck'. We are supposed to find ways to solve these challenges with correct understanding and responses. We have lifetimes to do so, until finally, the answer (reason) is arrived at." He's saying that the events in life are lessons. Don't make an emotional excuses or interject "buts"; that's avoidance. You already perceived he would likely have found a time and place. Now, solve the meaning of this "bad luck" event lesson. I suspect you can; you seem very smart and understanding. Go.

it is not your fault. I know it feels like it is but it isn't

OMG your mother was right there to hear it all.<br />
You can't blame yourself for your development.<br />
He rightfully pleaded guilty, he brutally raped you, as simple as that and your mother is making excuses for him and playing with your mind and she let you down, I am sad to say. A real mother would defend you with her life.<br />
It was not your fault, dont let anyone tell you otherwise.