I Should Have Been Smarter

i had just turned 16 years old and i already struggled with depression from previous verbal abuse as a child but now one of my closest friends had passed away, i had never felt so lost in my life. there was this guy who was 23, he started showing interest in me and knew all the right things to say to me to make me trust him. he was even the first person i ever told about the cutting. he made believe him when he said he loved me, which is what i felt i always wanted. i had never had a male figure in my life who i felt loved me. one day he thought it would be funny to sleep with one of my friends to show me that if she slept with him than i should be sleeping with him. i grew up in a very religious family and i truly believed i would keep my promise to myself to save myself for marriage or atleast to be in a serious relationship when i was older. little did i know that would all be out of my control. he got me to sneak out one night because he said he wanted to apologize, instead when i got in his car he started kissing me very intensly. i told him to stop and that just made him angry. he pushed me to the backseat andclimb on top of me. i remember counting the 7 times i told him to stop but he said i wasnt getting out of the car without having sex with him. he held me down and then ripped my shorts and underwear off and managed to slip himself in me. he got mad that i was squirmining so much and his grip on me got even stronger. i realized my yelling fighting and crying wasnt doing anything so i just gave up and couldnt stop wishing it was all just a nightmare. i should have been smarter and fought harder, i blame myself for letting myself fall for his games and lies and for putting myselfin that situation. at first i didnt think that counted as rape. all i knew was i couldnt stop crying. i felt so worthless and what truly made it worse was getting home and getting home to find out that i was caught sneaking out this causing my parents to tell me i was a dissapointment and other verbal abuse i chose to forget. i couldnt tell them what had happened to me now, it would just prove that im a bigger dissapointment. i am almost 19 now and i have only told 1 person about this, my parents still dont know. after the rape the cutting got even worse and i also have started developing an eating disorder. theres so much i cant explain to people and its all my fault. i wish i were smarter and stronger. this just taught me that men are never to be trusted.
lookingforsomethinglost lookingforsomethinglost
18-21, F
42 Responses Sep 29, 2011

it gets better dont give up

Hi, i at least partly know how it feels. I was also forced (i hate to say raped) with a person i believed he could be my boyfriend. I never thought it is considered as rape until I developed serious depression and had to start counseling. I did try to "solve" my troubles through eating. I dont do cutting to hurt myself, I do overeating. It overshadows that kind of weird mental pain. It is hard to tell anyone, but i did tell now, after 4 years. Well, part of my family doesnt believe me thinking that i need attention. Most of the support I got was from total strangers. I tried group therapy with all kinds of people with "bad" experiences from their past. Keep fighting for better tomorrow... stay strong

It's never your fault...what he did was atrocious and he needs to be punished severely for it. *hugs* :(

Rape victims have this common tendency to believe that it is their fault but please believe this fellow rape victim IT ISNT. It is also not the rapist fault it is his responsibility. No you should not have been smarter or stronger because you did nothing wrong you were a teenager who was manipulated by a grown *** man. Manipulation is a game played and sometimes very well. Now please don't say that men are never to be trusted because there are some out there that can and I know that it may seem hard to trust that but take it from me. Somebody loves you when you think no one does someone even of it is only God. Be strong and stand on your own two feet, because if you don't that will only show him that he has over-powered you and that is exactly what you are proving though he may not see it you are still proving it. The part of getting raped is not the weak part never was but letting them over power you and not forgiving them is. Though never forget. Karma is a ***** and I know from both side of the mirror if you know what I mean. Just stay strong and believe because life is a game that we all HAVE to play if we wanna stay. Love you honey ;)

rape is never the victims fault. it might seem like your fault to you but its not. you let your guard down because you wanted to feel again and you felt like he could make you better. he was really just taking advantage of you . you didnt know his intentions and you tried to get out of the situation. i would first tell your parents as bad as it may seem tell them, get to the hospital and get tested for pregnancy and diseases then report him to the police

When it comes to manipulation, that's what he did to you. It wasn't your fault. It was more like your parents fault, from not watching you more.. Because in manipulation, a guy or women knows what to say and how to say it..
Example, a person that's been a cutter, depressed also a guy or women swoops in cause he or she knew from the scars and depression. He or she would use that as a tool and talk about that and other stuff which I won't use in details.. That's when a person whom is a cutter or depress would let their guard down.

While you were 16, and he was 23. If you told the cops, he could and would gotten in real trouble like jail or prison. If you told your parents that day, then reported it. It's a what if story now.

If I was a father, and my daughter came back that I caught was sneaking in.. I would of notice something seems wrong right on the spot. Your parents they were more worried about them getting on your case and what not to even realize.

Its not your falt

I agree it wasn't her fault, you can't blame everything on yourself.

OMG I feel so sorry for you and I know how horrible it is to get raped feel free to read my story but I wish I could help you but just know it is NOT your fault it is not and you tryed people make mistakes but you need to know it is not your fault stay strong

Love emilydb

You are strong and smart to have made it this far without giving up. What happened to you was NOT OK, you should not blame yourself for what happened. The only advice I can offer is, please get help now no matter how hard it may seem. I lived with my shame and guilt for 12 years after I was raped, I'm just now getting over my severe depression. You are STRONG, you are SMART, you are NOT WORTHLESS. You can be happy again, it takes time and work.

You are so much smarter than you realize! You figured out how to survive during and after the rape! You were depressed going through tough times in your life and that jackass was the one who took advantage of your vulnerability! Your intelligence had absolutely nothing to do with it! Please hear this!
As for not fighting ... it sounds like you did fight, it was in your fighting you realized it wasn't helping ; in fact, it could've hurt you more, intentionally or unintentionally. You were trying to survive and didn't want to hurt anymore than you already were! Besides, he was already inside you and you realized to just let it be over quicker than to prolong it with fighting more! I'd say that makes you smarter than you realize!
You take care and heal yourself instead of "beating yourself" up! It's past time to give yourself permission to heal! I give you permission to love that hurt spirit inside which is devistated.

Damn right men can't be trusted!! Of any age!! From 1 to 190!! After a while you learn that all men are the same! Monsters!! Only after one thing!! Sex!! Even if you don't consent sex is sex to men!!! No matter what, they get it!! Even if they have to kill to get it!!!!

thanks i love being called a monster -_-

If you knew my story you would understand. He not only rapped me but my sister too. She is only nine. And he rapped me twice. The first time he got me pregnant. The second he made me miscarrege. If you only knew.

Wow that is...really ****** up i understand where you are coming from now.

No you don't!! Your just like rest of them. Cruel, heartless, soulless creatures!!! Only after one thing, you know what that is already. If you were in my hospital room I would spit on you!

that's very rude to say, you can't call them all that, and you can't say that's what they are all after. i understand where you are coming from, and it is really sad to hear, but you will never be able to move on and be happy if you think like that. it's hard to trust again, but you can not think like that forever and expect to be happy.

But, of course I feel that way about all men! No wonder I am lesbian.

3 More Responses

Ive been there, believe me this is not your fault. The person that did this to you is worthless and not even worth a slight thought about them.
For a while you blame yourself, i ended up eating lots of rubbish to make myself less attractive to men so it wouldnt happen again. But you cant let this nasty person get the better of you and get you down, be strong and prove to this piece of garbage that you are better than him and you are going to do everything in your life that you want to do. Remember YOU ARE AMAZING! xx

Not all people are like that.
Former Friends...

Though it will sound fake

And you should know that.

you are a young lady now, what had happened was in the past. it was an bad experience, i can see you have learned from it, that's the main thing. i know its hard to forget, you just had to learn to shut that door behind you. try to go for an hour walk every morning, and every afternoon, that should help with depression.

I am sorry that happened to you. I hope that person that perpetrated the crime was convicted.

Don't you dare say that you aren't a strong, beautiful and smart woman. Ok you made a mistake we all do some mistakes bigger than others but him rapeing you is you mistake it's his. I personally don't know what it feels like but I don't like seeing other people be in pain . Please stop thinking these things even if its hard, please, please stop.


U got it all wrong! U just have 2 find the RIGHT man...but it's tricky

@ Danish1982<br />

I would welcome any message from you. Thank you. I am open to discuss anything you would like.

there is only one person in this scenario who is wrong and it's not you! you are not to blame, you did nothing wrong and i wish you nothing but the best in recovering from this horrible experience.

my wife was a victim of rape also by her own father when she was 12yrs old we are now together 8yrs since i was 18 and she was 16 been we have a great life not perfect but great and i can say that the wounds have not totally heal there are night the she still remember the events but she is happy because she knows in her hearth that when she wake up ill be there with our two wonderful boys to love and protect her for the rest of her life <br />
<br />
i know u will find somebody that will do the same for so dont do harsh things to your self because u might not notice him when he arrives

Its not ur fault and u should have told your parents what happened

Hi I'm Mezniquee Mattis & I'm so sorry what happen to you. There is still time to gain back power within it all. I'm the host of vir?gin sex 101 after dark on blog talk raido & you can catch up with me at bvippresentsdotcom.com check them out you always have a safe home there.

it wasnt your fault. There are just a lot of people that aren't right in the head. I'm so sorry that happened to you and i can relate to you somewhat with the cutting. After a lot of things happened to me I did that and a few other things, i have many scars that people can see and they dont know my story. You're beautiful inside and out no matter what. If you havent stopped cutting yet, try it now its not worth it. it'll get better, even when you feel like it wont.

hey dont worry, stop cutting stop all that and do something about it let the past gon and forget about him!!!!!! f him!

You need to forgive yourself. I hope telling this story made you feel better !

Its not your fault you where a child, your stilllearning he was wrong

When we are young we make a lot of decisions that we don't always think through but we still do suffer the consequences.NONE OF THIS was your fault when you control is taken in a situation and force is used against you it is never your fault. I would suggest speaking to a therapist a lot of the times when traumatic events happen the effects linger on for years unless you can begin to process emotions in a healthy way. Somehow talking to someone neutral who has no judgement of you can be very relaxing and just what you need to figure out the steps you nee to take to wellness. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF you were a victim.

she is right<br />
NEVER trust men<br />
or teachers even<br />
a teacher at one of my schools raped me infront of the whol class

That isnt your fault it was a crazy 23 year old and you need to talk to a therapist and you need to tell your parents someday if only i knew you in real life i would be a best friend and help you through this

:( your story really made me sad and i'm really sorry of what happened to you, but don't blame yourself mistakes happen and you learn from your mistake. Try seeking counselling and see how things go from there.

It is not your fault. The guy you were involved with clearly knew what he was doing. A predator who needs to pay. I echo the calls for you to seek some professional help to deal with your problems because that will help you become who you can be: beautiful, confident, healthy, and happy.

Im sorry what happened to u, but if ur surs that telling ur parents would make it worse, then Im sorry for ur burden, but remember if u dont tell someone in authority, he ll feel powerful and he will do it to someone else. May God be with u, think about and see what is ur best decision

its hard not to feel like its your fault. i KNOW its not my fault, but at the same time i still hate myself for what happened.

I was a virgin when I was raped at 9... and I blamed myself for it for so very long... I still do... I allowed him to get me alone for a very stupid reason, he had "something to show me" ... indeed he did...

Woah, rape is NEVER the victim's fault.

You just meet up with the wrong guy. Not all guys are like that. At least i can say i'm not, cause i ****ing hate rape. If it is a roleplay or an act, then i'm okay with it. Stripping someones innocence forcefully always gets me angry. And as for your parents, forget about them. Their verbal insults are insult to themselves as well. They never know how to teach their own child, and even fail to provide the least protection. If you say you suck, i think your parents suck even more. Cheer up and forget those unhappy thoughts. Even all the doors are shut upon you, you will still have a window to climb out. Keep looking for a way out, don't give up.

This was not your fault! He was a predator. Find some professional help -- some of them work with you on your income if you can't pay for it -- I don't know your situation. Are you sure your parents don't want to help you? Maybe it's ok to tell them and ask them to help?

This was not your fault! He was a predator. Find some professional help -- some of them work with you on your income if you can't pay for it -- I don't know your situation. Are you sure your parents don't want to help you? Maybe it's ok to tell them and ask them to help?

I'm sorry you're not my child.<br />
Maybe telling it here will let you see the truth, that it was never your 'fault'.<br />
<br />
I'm saddened by your story.

You are obviously suffering with a lot of problems and I would love to be able to help you with them but you really need professional medical help and should seek that help.<br />
One thing you can do is to realise that these things you are suffering are NOT your fault.<br />
Things that you can not control are NOT your fault.<br />
Someone deceiving you and raping you is NOT your fault.<br />
There are good and bad of both sexes, no one sex is either all good or all bad and you have to learn to recognise the difference but sometimes that is not easy and it is NOT your fault if you fail to recognise the bad ones occasionally because they try to ensure that you don't.