I Should Have Been Smarter
i had just turned 16 years old and i already struggled with depression from previous verbal abuse as a child but now one of my closest friends had passed away, i had never felt so lost in my life. there was this guy who was 23, he started showing interest in me and knew all the right things to say to me to make me trust him. he was even the first person i ever told about the cutting. he made believe him when he said he loved me, which is what i felt i always wanted. i had never had a male figure in my life who i felt loved me. one day he thought it would be funny to sleep with one of my friends to show me that if she slept with him than i should be sleeping with him. i grew up in a very religious family and i truly believed i would keep my promise to myself to save myself for marriage or atleast to be in a serious relationship when i was older. little did i know that would all be out of my control. he got me to sneak out one night because he said he wanted to apologize, instead when i got in his car he started kissing me very intensly. i told him to stop and that just made him angry. he pushed me to the backseat andclimb on top of me. i remember counting the 7 times i told him to stop but he said i wasnt getting out of the car without having sex with him. he held me down and then ripped my shorts and underwear off and managed to slip himself in me. he got mad that i was squirmining so much and his grip on me got even stronger. i realized my yelling fighting and crying wasnt doing anything so i just gave up and couldnt stop wishing it was all just a nightmare. i should have been smarter and fought harder, i blame myself for letting myself fall for his games and lies and for putting myselfin that situation. at first i didnt think that counted as rape. all i knew was i couldnt stop crying. i felt so worthless and what truly made it worse was getting home and getting home to find out that i was caught sneaking out this causing my parents to tell me i was a dissapointment and other verbal abuse i chose to forget. i couldnt tell them what had happened to me now, it would just prove that im a bigger dissapointment. i am almost 19 now and i have only told 1 person about this, my parents still dont know. after the rape the cutting got even worse and i also have started developing an eating disorder. theres so much i cant explain to people and its all my fault. i wish i were smarter and stronger. this just taught me that men are never to be trusted.