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It Was A Nightmere I Can't Get Over

I SPENT MONTHS AFTERWARDS ON HEAVY PRESCRIBED DRUGS FROM MY DOCTOR AND VERY ILL ... I ENDED UP AT THE HOSPITAL AND HAVING SERVERAL TESTS AND I WAS A MESS FOR AGES... I HID THE PAIN 

HIM RAPING ME LIKE I WAS A PROSTITUTE IN A UGLY HOLLOW HOTEL ROOM FOR 16 HOURS MAKES ME SICK

IT WAS NOT THE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE I WAS EXPECTING TO HAVE AS MY FIRST PENETRATIVE INTERCOURSE EXPERIENCE

HE ANALLY PENETRATED ME AND RAPED ME AND CONTROLLED MY BODY IN SO MANY POSITIONS I FELT LIKE A PUPPET AND LIKE I HAD NO WILL OF MY OWN

I HATED THE SMELL OF HIM AND HIS SEMMEN INSIDE ME... I HATED HIM

I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM AT ALL - HE WAS FAT, UGLY, MARRIED AND BORING AND I WAS A VIRGIN I WANTED A MAN WHO DESERVED MY VIRGINITY 

I WAS TOO PRETTY FOR HIM AND TOO NAIVE AND INNOCENT IN SO MANY WAYS ... I WAS 29 A VIRGIN AND SO DESPERATE FOR A MAN TO LOVE ME... I TRUSTED THE WRONG PERSON OUT OF FEAR... I WAS OUT OF CONTROL WITH BEING BATTERED FOR SEVERAL MONTHS BEING BASHED AND A GIRL TRYING TO RUN ME OVER.. I HAD ALREADY HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN A FEW TIMES BEFORE THAT... 

I ENDED UP HAVING A COLLAPSE AND STROKE OR HEART ATTACK AND IT FELT LIKE SEIZURE OR A STROKE THE PAIN IN MY HEAD WAS SO BAD ... I HAD TO HAVE A ECO-CARDIOGRAPH DONE AND I FORGOT SO MANY THINGS AROUND THAT TIME

I HAD BLOOD OVER MY VIRGINA AND VIRGINAL BLOOD OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR

I HAD HAD A COLLAPSE SIMILAR YEARS BEFORE AFTER BEING ASSAULTED AND IT SEEMS THAT EVERY SO MANY YEARS IT KEEP HAPPENING TO ME... IS IT ANY WONDER I CAN'T HANDLE LOVE, ROMANCE AND SEX...

MEN HAVE ALWAYS ABUSED ME SEXUALLY SINCE I WAS A LITTLE CHILD AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY HAVE ... I THINK ITS BECAUSE I AM UGLY OR HEXED OR SOMETHING... 

ALL I HAVE EVER KNOWN IS SEXUAL VIOLENCE ... WHEN IT COMES TO ROMANCE AND THAT IS NOT LOVE... MEN AND BOYS WERE EXTREMELY ABUSIVE TO GIRLS AND WOMEN IN THE 70'S ... THAT WAS DEPICTED ON TV ALL THE TIME...THERE WERE ALWAYS RAPE SCENES IN MOVIES ETC AND BOYS AND MENS GENERAL ATTITUDE WAS TOWARDS WOMEN AND GIRLS WAS "shut up and squat.. and be kicked around"   YOU CAN ASK ANYONE THAT LIVED IN THOSE TIMES HOW CRUEL BOYS AND MEN WERE TO WOMEN...

I CAN REMEMBER TEENAGE BOYS ABUSING ME BADLY AS A CHILD OF ONLY 4 OR 6 PINCHING MY DELICATE TODDLER SKIN AND MAKING ME WET MY PANTS IN FEAR .. AND CRYING.. I REMEMBER TEENAGE BOYS THROWING PICKLE SANDWICHES AT MY FACE ON THE TRAIN WHEN I WAS ONLY ABOUT 5 ... BOYS WERE SUPER MEAN... UP ON THE FARM IN THE MID 70'S AND WOULD TERRORIZE GIRLS FOR FUN ...THEY WOULD SET FIRE TO HOUSES FOR FUN... AND IT WAS ALWAYS SPOOKY GOING UP THE THE HILL OR QUARRY AFTER THE HOUSE FIRE... BOYS WERE MEAN... OR MY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL THESE TEEN BOYS DELIBERATELY HIT A CRICKET BALL INTO MY HEAD FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL i WAS SO UPSET... THEY WOULD MAKE FUN OF GIRLS AND ***** GIRLS OF ALL DIGNITY IN THE 70'S... SO UNKIND. IT MADE ME SO AFRAID OF MEN AND TEEN BOYS.. I USED TO SHAKE AND AVOID THEM... I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD BE DATE RAPED BUT I OFTEN FEAR BEING RAPED AGAIN EVEN WHEN I USED TO WALK HOME FROM WORK I WAS SO AFRAID I WOULD TALK TO MY MUM ON THE PHONE TIL I GOT HOME OR MY BOSS DROVE ME HOME... I WAS AFRAID OF BEING RAPED IN THE TOILETS AND WOULD TAKE MY PHONE WITH ME...I STILL FEAR IT AT NIGHT EVEN IN THE HOUSE... WITH INTRUDERS OR EVEN DAYLIGHT IN PLACES.

TO BE HONEST AT THE TIME IN THE MID AND LATE 1990'S I REALLY JUST WANTED TO HAVE A NICE SLOW PACED ROMANCE AND NOT STRAIGHT INTO SEX WITH ANYONE... I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH A GUY I GOT TO KNOW OVER TIME AND PREFERABLY I WOULD HAVE WANTED TO LOOSE MY VIRGINITY AT HOME WITH A BOYFRIEND IN MY BED.... AS MY SISTER DID...

I WAS EAGER TO FIND A HUSBAND AND SEX ONLY FOR HAVING BABIES ... I WAS VERY VERY DESIRING A BABY BUT BEING BOUGHT UP CATHOLIC I WANTED A BABY IN WEDLOCK NATURALLY BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT !!!  i DID NOT WANT TO BE RAPED AS A VIRGIN BY A MARRIED MAN ... I AM SHOCKED I WAS A VIRGIN FOR SO LONG... I FELT SO EMBARRASSED ABOUT BEING A VIRGIN I KNOW MEN THOUGHT I WAS UGLY AND WEIRD ... MY SISTER ALWAYS GOT THE CUTE GUYS ... WHILE I GOT THE ABUSE.



czaristacrystals czaristacrystals 36-40, F 3 Responses Oct 6, 2011

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I'm so so sorry. Not all guys are like that. but those *****ing idiots, some are GAY, one tried to rape me, stupid gay guy should have known better that to mess with an emo! You need to move to a better state, you deserve better.

You deserve better and the man that deserves ur trust will come along n earn it, I'm so sorry u had to go thru this, don't forget there are good ppl out there, if u base ur beliefs on ur bad experiences as traumatic as they hv been u could potentially oversee the few good ppl out there, ur strong for making it out of that room, ur above all a true survivor

It takes alot of courage to share your story and I'm very angry at the previous commenters. No compassion, no sense of support at all. I certainly hope you're in a safe situation with people who can help you heal from all the abuse heaped on you from such a young age.