Trust No One!!

I have had severe trust issue's my entire life since I was 14.I had just lost my best friend to suicide and my father was a drunk and had so many drunk friends that came over and i knew most of them really well,so i thought.I was grieving my friends death and not knowing better i thought i would try to drink my pain away since it seemed to work for my dad.I lived within walking distance to a liquor store and while i was there i had convinced one of my dad's drunk friends to buy me a fifth of vodka and then i took off into the woods close to my house and sat there and started drinking,it didn't take long before i blacked out and i woke up to him on top of me,yes the one who bought it followed me and waited til i was passed out to rape me.I was so powerless and scared,i could not fight back as he had me pinned down and i just stared at his eyes as he enjoyed himself.He threaten to kill me and my mom if i told anyone or screamed.Two weeks later he was killed by a so called friend over a $500 lottery ticket.I never told anyone until now,I live with so much shame and guilt as if my actions led to this happening to me.I live everyday with this and it hurts so bad that i can not trust people like i want to,but i have to question every mans motives towards me.My nieces and my step daughter have no idea why i grill them and ask so many questions when they had sleep overs at other friends,they just think i am over reacting but i am so terrified of them being raped.I hate this feeling but i guess it will never go away.
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4 Responses Apr 25, 2012

I'm very sorry... You're being brave, good for you. Get to know people incredibly well, so you can trust. You'll feel better, I'm sure! Love and kisses... I don't believe in God, but if He is real, then may He be with you. x

I love the way you are taking care of your nieces and step daughter. What happened to you only made you stronger and it was not your fault. Your are quite mature and never let fear overcome you. Everyone makes mistakes, you are not alone. I know that you know you are strong, strive for being stronger.

U don need to live in guilt my were not responsible in any way for that...Jus forget it like a bad dream and live life easily...Dat was more of a child abuse n u cant do anything in that....forget everything live freely...

You are a caring person ..<br />
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Am sorry to know about what happened to you, but believe that there is a God who cares for you ..<br />
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My wishes are always with you ...