Dirty Feelings...

Its been years since my rape by some one I trusted... I was 5 when the abuse started. It started with touching and I was young so I had no idea what to do. I was molested by my cousin for about 2 years before things got really bad. My mom was constantly at my aunts house and because of that I was constantly molested time and again by my cousin who is in a wheel chair due to a defct since birth. He was 16 at the time and knew better... I was 7 when he started dping this worse than just touching and by the time I was 8, I was full on raped. I had told my mother but because he was such a good liar and in a wheel chair they didnt believe me. Now, I dont blame her anymore but I struggled with trusting my mom for a long time after that. For years I struggled with self esteem and trust issues, I cut myself, purged, tried numerous times to kill myself. I was spiralling and I had no idea how to stop. Two years ago, I finished high school and because I also live in an abusive home(my father verbally abuses my family everyday) I decided enough was enough. I got in at a university and I am current working towards my degree in marine sciences with the intention of leaving my town as soon as I finish. My cousin is currently married and has never apologised or payed for what he did. Looking back now, I regret blaming myself and not doing anything about the abuse except hurt myself. I still feel like that little girl everytime I see him and trust me, it never gets easier seeing your rapist but I have learned to cope with my past. I have a supporting,loving boyfriend of 3 years who knows all about my past and the daily struggles I face. he is the only one who believed in me when everyone else in my life abandoned me. I havent been intimate with anyone since but after 3 years, he has waited patiently for me to be ready. :) I guess what I am trying to say is, dont give up. There are amaizing people out there who will accept you just the way you are, scars and all...
Devilzangel20 Devilzangel20
18-21
Nov 25, 2012