I Was Scared To Speak Up.

The first time I was raped is when I was six years old by my step brothers. I would go to my dad's every other weekend and he was always working long hours. My step mom paid no attention to me or my step brothers she locked herself in the house all day and didn't care what we did as long as we were quiet and didn't bother her. We were always playing in the basement, there was toys and a game system down there, one day my step brother Devon who was ten asked me to take my clothes off. I said no so he lifted up my shirt, I told him to leave me alone and went upstairs. The next day when we were playing downstairs when Devon and Andrew (Andrew was 12) held me down and ******** me naked, touching me, telling me to be quiet and not tell anyone or else they would tell my Dad that I was showing myself to them. I was scared, they both raped me not at the same time but in the same moment. It went on for two years, I shared a room with them. I never told anyone because I barley knew what was happening I just thought I would get in trouble. I was scared that they were going to hurt me. My Dad got a divorce I was happy to never have to go there again. But my dad had a daughter with my step dad, I was so scared that they would do the same to her. I still have to see them every so often, I never talk to them. I feel irresponsible for never telling anyone especially since my little sister lives with them. I fear they will do the same to her. A couple years later my Dad remarried. I had a step brother that I actually looked up to he was 14 at the time I was 12. We hung out a lot and we were the best of friends, but then he started asking me questions like, have you ever kissed anyone? Are you a virgin? The answer was yes to both, I never talked about getting raped so I still labeled myself as a virgin. One night he asked me if I wanted to kiss him, I said no, he was mad and kept begging me, just once. I got up to try and walk away and he pinned me to the floor and started touching me and kissing me. I pushed him off of me and told him that I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. I didn't talk to him for several weeks but then he moved in with my Dad and I... One night he came in my bedroom and covered my mouth told to me to be quiet or he would kill me, he raped me that night and for two years straight every day. Not only did he threaten me and call me a *****, ****, *****, ****. He told me it was my fault and I deserved it. He would slap me, punch me, push me down. He also told everyone at school that I was a ***** and he had sex with three of my friends and would tell me about every detail while I cried. I couldn't tell them, I felt horrible. I didn't know what to do. I hate myself for not telling anyone it was years ago. I feel guilty for something that wasn't my fault. I lost my virginity to my rapist. I feel ashamed in a way. I feel embarrassed and disgusting. When I was 14 I gained 45 lbs on purpose, I wanted to be unattractive so this would stop happening, I felt like I had no control over anything, I cut myself for the first time when I was 12. I tried to overdose three times twice when I was thirteen. I had sex with people who would just use me because it made me feel better about myself, I felt like that was the only way that someone would love me. Don't make the same mistake I did tell somebody speak up, not just for you but for every person out there who has every been abused in anyway.
endslutshame endslutshame
6 Responses Nov 26, 2012

I thought I had a rough life.. Wow, I feel so sorry for you! And I do know exactly how you feel. I lost my virginity to rape aswell when I was 17 years old, and I was raped again recently. I so understand all of the shame and embarrassment. People think it's so easy to just speak up, but I think that is one of the hardest things to do. I am here If you need someone to talk to!

So sad. Don't cut yourself. Get help and tell someone.

Remember as most have already told you: You are OK - someone else has abused you.

We all have to try to keep on the straight and narrow way to good behavior.

I know exactly how you feel I was raped to but it wasn't as bad as what you went through, hope your okay. Xx

Thank you but don't compare your story to mine, every story is different. Nobody's experience is worse or better it all hurts and we can all overcome the pain together. I hope all is well.

You did the right thing. Whatever happenes,
Never let yourself forget
The virgin we are all

I am so sorry what happend to u,,,,, if u need a friend,,,,,, i will always be there for u...... god bless u and out coming in yr furture

Thank you so much for your kind words, I will keep that in mind!

Yr welcome.....i been down on that road before,,,, but i got myself out of that mess ,, i was very lucky......i always have bad luck with guys,,,,, but god bless me a really good man i love him all my heart and my soul,,,,,right now i having marriage problems with my man.. So i need to fix myself and my heart first before i can start loving again........plus i lost myself a very long time,,,,, so i want my oldself back again before i meet my hubby,,,,,,,, so dont beat up yrself ok...... one day god will bless u a really good man ok..... have a faith in god always...... GOD BLESS U