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It Will Never End

It was fall of my sophomore year. Dorian was all I could think about. In September I made out with him. It was the first time I ever made out with someone. I liked him instantly. Unfortunately he wanted to only be friends with benefits. So I tried to get over it and got a new boyfriend. After him and I broke up I got a text from Dorian saying that he just had a bad break up and he wanted to see me. So I snuck out to see him. I went to his house and we made out. After that I was at his house every weekend. I don't know why I kept going over there. He would constantly call me fat and ugly and treated me like I was his toy. He had me wrapped around his finger. We had talked about having sex multiple times and every single time I had said no. On December 20th at around 1:30 in the morning he and I were doing our usual thing and suddenly everything changed he was moving his hips weird and I look down and saw him thrusting himself in and out of me. I freaked out I tried to push him off of me I said no and I cried but nothing I could do would stop him. He was stronger than me and he toke advantage of that. After I made the long walk home alone crying he texted me and said that he was done with me. Soon after my parents found out and I got into a lot of trouble. I was saving myself for marriage and I felt completely worthless. I grew apart from my friends and got deep into cutting and stopped eating. To this day I have 312 visible scars on my body and don't eat regularly. I've never felt good about myself since. I have nightmares constantly about that night. He still texts me and makes me feel wanted until he gets what he wants. I just can't let him go I will always love him even though he caused me pain emotionally mentally and physically. He pesters me until I go visit him again so he can take advantage of me. Sometimes I don't feel it he has his way with me then sends me home and doesn't talk to me until he is horny again. I've tried to commit suicide but it doesn't work and I get checked for new scars I'm on anti depressants all because I lost my virginity to a rapist
Lifeisntfair15 Lifeisntfair15 16-17, F 4 Responses Dec 17, 2012

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I. HATE. HIM. SO. ******. MUCH. I know the swear word will be all starry, but hey, Im mad. Can I have the honor of kicking his a*s????

Yes, yes you may :) thank you so much for your support

hey............
u kno our life iz mean to b very short duration, so must say; when god has given us a precious life, so beta say du somthing rather than geting suicide
n more over, your parents is more important than any human being... so my dear friend Never loose hope n remember u r the favorite daughter of your parent... so dont let them cry 4 u....

Thank you!! :)

hey, i'm truly sorry to hear about your terrible experience. you have to understand, he says these bad things to you, because he wants to lower your self esteem. it's a trap. it's so common for guys to play this trick on girls. lower their self esteem, therefore increasing the girls' dependence on him. you can't listen to him. in truth, he is scared of being alone. that's why he plays these horrible and sad games.

someone who talks to you like that, and treats you so bad, is not worth a second more of your time. you have to understand, that you are a million times better off without him. although it's difficult to deny your feelings for him, you have to see him for who he is. and that is a sad, manipulative person.

you need to move on, and focus on yourself, your friends and your family. better times are coming. i promise :)

I'm so glad I shared this is so great to know Im not alone. In 3 days it'll be the one year anniversary I really appreciate the support it's been really tough

from what you've shared, it sounds like an unbelievably tough experience. but you've got to remember, that's what it is, an experience. life is full of them. some good and some not so good. for now, you've got to focus on yourself and get ready for some new good experiences with family and friends. hang in there please and stay strong :)

I just read "I lost my virginity to a rapist". It's not the end, here you can start your life. Million of people had been in your situation and you are not unique person or something unusual clearly it means you're able to forget. Here's the thing "virginity" is jut a definition and there's no difference between you and other people. Those people who had commited crimes like that they're weak believe me. Why they're weak ? well simply the person who cannot hold his desire or lust he/she a slave for the lust. And don't believe they carry the humanity on their back they carry the devil and that's will break them soon. You can't expect how sad the devil is !. Move on, promise yourself you will be stronger if someboy's trying to hurt you, you have the right to protect yourself by power becuase you save your life which is very precious and it worth everything in your world.

Thank you :) I will try