gave me bad cards but I stuck it out and played its game. I believe I'm stronger in the end for it.

I was 32 years old. January 9, 2010 in the afternoon. It was the first time of many times I was raped. I got my first kiss in September 2009 a few weeks after my 32nd birthday, and those "romantic experiences" were not romantic. I said no but neither guy cared.

I never had a date, never had a boyfriend, never had a kiss, nothing romantic before then.

It is a battle I face every day, the horrible PTSD ailments. I cannot back down though. I refuse to. I never let them in my head, but if I give in to the PTSD now, they win. Surviving mentally is a daily must for me. I've no other option. Seven months of sexual and physical abuse has taken its physical and emotional toll on me. I want them to get better so they stop hurting themselves and others.

I was not the first girl they attacked. I just refused to stay quiet. I refuse to let them control my thoughts. They dominated my body but they can't dominate my spirit.

Going through something like this has its own time of healing. I have not had willing romance in my life even afterwards, but I refuse to give up hope that I will one day get married and have that first real kiss and first willing time.

My body suffered big time. My ribs were completely crushed and bruised, my right arm was split open, my nips were torn to bleeding, my neck was squeezed, I was thrown by a mere grab of my wrist and flung, just to name some horrors.

Some of the PTSD horrors since I also have always gotten physical ailments from stress include hive bumps the sizes of baseball knots, random cuts on me as if an animal went and clawed mep; having nightmares of wanting to mutilate them and put their parts in a blender or mash their bodies especially their parts with baseball bats, then not wanting to go to sleep for fear of having the nightmares return, just to name some horrors.

I changed all my info. I changed my bank info, my phone info, my physical mailing address, my online mailing address, my computer's IP and MAC address, my doctors.

I live by myself but it is like a duplex. It isn't an apartment duplex. It's actually two big houses joined by a secret stairway. If you visit me, you cannot see outside that it is connected to the other house. If you visit me inside, you cannot see the stairway because the way the house is designed, it lookes like another bedroom and you would assume the entrance/exit door is the only escape route. I have been told my house is big enough to be a one-story mansion. If you visit the other house, you won't know it is adjoined to mine outside or inside. You have to know exactly where to go in the adjacent house to go to that door for the hidden stairway and even then, because of how the structured design is, you'd think it was a closet if you didn't open the door. There is a gray chain link fence outside my place with a spacious, secluded driveway so you can't see it from the street unless someone out there points it out to you. There is a dried up creek that collects rainwater every so often and draws deer out and squirrels sometimes. Really nice since my home state Hawaii doesn't have them.

Horrors unimaginable happened to me but I had many good things happen to me after that once I rode out the storm. I was a rose on the thornbush but the sun came out to shine on me once again. :)
blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti
36-40, F
Jan 14, 2013