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My Mother's Father Ruined My Life!

I don't remember how old I was, but it was before kindergarten. I don't recall a lot of it... I can only tell you I was in a shower with him. I remember feeling terrified, wondering if it would ever end! It felt like FOREVER! The physical pain was a memory I want to forget, but my body won't let me, my nightmares won't let me! The grotesque things he made me do ruined my sex life throughout my life! The visions I buried but got dug up, for me to only beg to slam back down to hell where it came from! That experience made me terrified of a lot of things, but I remember being terrified of being pregnant! Exactly how that terror came about, I don't know.
Throughout my life, he continued to victimize me, torture my spirit; but he could never kill it! At times I wish it did die! I wish I died!
Years later, when I was a teenager, I remember him in the hospital, dying, looking at his DISGUSTING face, wanting to choke him myself before he would die! My mother knew what he did to me as a teenager... why I never told about the shower episode as a 3-5 yr old, I'll never know... but even tho she knew what he did to me as a teenager, she couldn't understand why I didn't cry about him being on his death bed in the hospital! I mean seriously!!!!! I didn't understand why she didn't understand that at all! I don't know if that hurt more than what her father did to me! To this day, I still don't know!
All I know is I never mourned that ******* death!
bankspj bankspj 46-50, F 2 Responses Jan 24, 2013

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Why were you in the shower with him?

There's no shame in feeling vindicated. It's human nature. It can be a restorative process to watch someone like that die, or to help (but not really [for legal purposes]).
If there's no need to mourn, there's simply no need to mourn. Period.

Thank you, Frank. I appreciate your words of kindness and support!

No worries, you'll be fine I'm sure.