Sometimes I Can't Believe It Actually Happened.I have my rape story up here on another group, but I don't go into the confusion of my virginity on that.
I was raped when I was thirteen, and long story short not many people know.
But since then I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been kissed, I've never had sex, etc.
So when my friends are talking about virginity and not having that romantic intimacy with someone yet, I don't know where I stand. In the carnal sense of the word, I'm not a virgin because I've had another mans penis in my vagina.
But in another sense of the word, I'm so inexperienced. I've never had sex that was consensual, I've never kissed anyone, doesn't that make me a virgin?
I'm so confused with this, and I'm angry as well.
How could someone do something so disgusting and horrifying as rape an innocent girl, to leave her with these thoughts and confusions.
I'm so afraid of intimacy, especially with men. When my gay guy friend puts his hand on my knee I shrink back, and I KNOW he's not going to make a move...
I feel like so much of my life has been thrown into this big pot of fear, and I can't talk about, or try to experience anything without being afraid of so much.
I just wish it never happened.
I wish I could have grown up as a normal kid, and now that I'm an adult I'm realizing that I'll never get that part of my life back. I'll never get to have a happy carefree childhood, because not only was I raped, but I was abused as a kid as well.
I'm jealous of so many people because they grew up normal.