I Lost My Virginity To Rape

It Happened To Me

By: jesussaves2013

Written on February 3rd, 2013

There is more to my story than just being raped. My entire childhood I was physically abused by my mother. It got to the point that I would see something more too quickly and I would collapse on the floor and wait for the worst. I wasn't taught to fight. It just my mom and me. My father passed away when I was two. My mother runs a farm and every once in a while she would hire a farm hand. When I was 15, we had a farm hand that was more interested in me than his work. I turned down his advances. I just wished he'd leave me alone. I tried to tell my mom but she wouldn't believe me.....she never believed me. Then, one afternoon I was out feeding and Mom was at work. He came. He came and got what he wanted. When he first came at me...I crumpled to the ground like I'd been programmed to do. He smiled
edtelling me I would enjoy it. He proceed to undress me and I laid there like an idiot. I let him. It wasn't until he entered me that I realized what was truly happening. My body kicked into over drive. I screamed and kicked and fought. But I was too late.....he was already inside me. Already raping me. It seemed the more I screamed the more he enjoyed it. The more he wanted it. When he was done, he just got up and left. Like nothing ever happened. What really breaks my heart wasn't that I was raped, but that I no longer had my virginity to give to my future husband. I'm currently dating a guy, but haven't told him.....but I haven't gotten close to him. I can't stand the thought of
him getting close enough to even kiss me. We barely hold hands. I know as soon as I tell him he will high tail it and run......who wants a girl who lost her virginity to a rapist? I am a Christian and saving myself meant more to me than love itself, but now Im not even good enough for that. If only I'd fought.....Im a physically strong girl....sculpted by years of hard labor....but when my life depended on it...I failed.

By: jesussaves2013

Age: 16-17 , Female

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18 responses

notavictimasurvivor

I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. As one of the few girls on my high school wrestling team, I was sure that I;d be able to take care of myself when I needed to. But at 5'1 and 105 lbs, when I tried pushing my rapist off of me, he didn't even budge.
My virginity was important to me, and every time I argued with my boyfriend, I was sure that me not being a virgin was a factor in our disagreements. One day he said to me, "I fell in love with you after you lost your virginity. You're virginity doesn't define who you are. I love you"
If this man is a truly decent human being, he won't leave you because you had your virginity taken from you before you were ready. Instead, he should love you, and help you heal the best he can

Apr 2
1 like
- jesussaves2013
  It doesn't matter anyway. He cheated and we are over. So much for actually trusting a man....not sure if I ever can.
  
  Apr 2
  1 like
Needbigcock

Life is to short, try to forget about it and live for the future, a normal human being would understand and not let it compromise a relationship with you, at least I wouldn't, I would try to make the woman happy and want to grow in a new relationship!

Feb 6
1 like
- Aiforest
  "Be Here Now" "Now Be Here"
  
  Feb 13
  1 like
Bluephonebox

I want to say how brave, and strong you are for posting your story here. I want you to know, I feel your pain, and I know what you are going through. You did nothing wrong, do not blame yourself for something that you had no control over. It was NOT you Fault, you reacted out of fear, but you fought and you should be so proud of that.
He knew he was wrong, and you are still Innocent. A little piece of skin, is not going to matter to someone, who knows what your love is worth, and will love you back with all their heart. They are going to love you for being so brave, and angry with the person who stole something from you, that was so precious to you. If they are not and they blame you, they are not worth your time or love, because you are NOT TO BLAME.
Even though I do not know you, and even though; I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you with all my heart, I love you. If you need someone to listen to you, I am here, because I know.

Feb 4
3 likes
- jesussaves2013
  Thank you. After it first happened I felt very alone. I felt like no one would ever understand. I was alone. This site has shown me that there are others. A whole group of hurting people supporting one another. Praise GOD for leading me here.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- Bluephonebox
  I am still in the process of healing, I'm not ok, but I am just great, I have wonderful friends who are supportive in RL and on EP. And I know that, after a long and happy life, my faith in whatever you want to view God as, will take away my pain and make me whole. You are understood, and you are not alone if you want a friend I'm here and I'll listen and send you unconditional love and understanding, so it can push that pain out of your heart and fill the void it leaves, so you can heal.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- jesussaves2013
  I pray to the Christian GOD. The only GOD. My healer.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- Bluephonebox
  What ever you believe, I pray it gives you strength to heal and forgive.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
1 More Reply
Got2cut

You didn't fail, rape is never your fault. Never think of it as failing, but as surviving, you've been through what it seems to be torture, but God will use you and your testimony one of these days to help girls out there like us! Because God has a great and mighty plan that we can't grasp! Stand strong in your faith over the trials of the years, God bless!

Feb 4
2 likes
- jesussaves2013
  GOD is the only reason I'm still here to tell the tale.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- cargan2015
  you are amazingly strong and brave to have shared this and like was said before just because you dont have your hymen dont assosiate what happend to you with sex because it wasnt. In my eyes you still are virgin because you did not choose to have that happen and remember there hare hundreds of ways your hymen can be lost from non sexual activites from running to riding your bike. (by way I have had two people I loved and eventually made love to neither one of them had thier hymen either my exwife because she was raped by coworker and actually got pregnant from it I raised the boy as my own, and my GF who had left a long abusinve relationship granted we had kind of rough end, my point is hymen means nothing love you feel and they feel for you means all) Be strong and continue to consider your self virign till you find that right person for you.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
- Got2cut
  God is good, and so is Jesus!
  
  Feb 7
  1 like
- jesussaves2013
  Thank you. Either way I consider it....telling someone will always be hard. I thank you for your words of encouragement.
  
  Feb 7
  1 like
- Got2cut
  Its best to tell some one you hold near and dear to your heart first, like your best friend.
  
  Feb 7
  1 like
- jesussaves2013
  Thank you.
  
  Feb 7
  1 like
3 More Replies
joelsen

You have been through hell but you've realized at a young age how strong you are. They can hurt you physically but they can't break your spirit So forgive them and take back the power they tried to take from you. They are not worth it.

Feb 4
1 like
- jesussaves2013
  Thank you for your words of encouragement
  
  Feb 4
  1 like

I Lost My Virginity To Rape

It Happened To Me

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