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Dumb Little Girl

I'm not sure this actually qualifies as rape, but I decided to put my story here to share with you all. This experience, while scary and painful at first, hasn't devastated my life, nor does it haunt me. But this experience has taught me to use better judgement. Here's my story:
The year was 2003. I had just graduated High School and was preparing to enter into Boot Camp in a couple of months.
Sometimes, for fun, being boy-crazy little teens, my sister and I would chat with boys on Yahoo Messenger. One day, I started chatting with a guy named Chris. He was a little older than I was. He seemed sweet. We would chat for hours until finally we exchanged numbers. We realized we didn't live that far apart, so we finally arranged to meet.
The next few days until the weekend seemed to drag on forever. I was excited to meet this guy. In my young, naive mind, I felt we had a connection.
It was the day of the date, and my nerves were shot with anticipation. I probably changed my clothes 10 times, and took my time with my makeup.
Finally, he arrived. I hopped into his SUV, and off we went. He told me he had beers in a hotel room if I wanted to go drink. He explained he'd gotten the hotel room so he wouldn't have to drive all the way back home that night. That sounded good enough for my young ears, so we headed to the hotel.
When we got there, we sat on the bed, drinking and talking. I was having a nice time getting to know Chris in person. Suddenly he was kissing me, but I liked making out, so I kissed him back. Then he was laying me back on the bed, and I hesitated. He broke the kiss to comfort me, telling me he only wanted us to get comfortable. We continued to make out. His hand went to my pants buttons and I quickly sat up. I told him I couldn't do this because I wasn't ready. I told him I was a virgin.
He told me I knew what was going to happen when I agreed to go to the hotel with him. He told me he knew I wanted it. He laid me back And proceeded to unbutton and unzip my pants. He lowered my panties and entered me. I didn't fight. I didn't yell. I felt pain, but I just laid there, waiting for it to be over. I didn't even cry until later. I was mad at myself for leading him on, although unintentional.
When he was done, he stood up, and started putting his pants back on. He told me I should get dressed also. He told me it was great, and we should do it again. I said nothing. He acted as if nothing had happened. He made small talk on the way home. I don't even remember what it was about.
He pulled into my driveway and kissed my cheek, still as though nothing had happened. He said goodnight and we parted ways.
When I finally stepped into my house I took a hot shower. In front of my sister, I acted like I'd had a pleasant evening. I was scared to say anything. I was scared I'd get into trouble. I just carried on with life as usual.
As I said in my intro, I'm not sure this is rape. I said no, but I didn't fight him. I led him on. I don't even think he realizes how bad he hurt me that night. He even called a few times, but I ignored the calls.
Initially I hated myself. I was picking fights with my sister. I slept all day. I was miserable. Until I woke up one day and realized that wasn't how I wanted to live. Instead of letting it rule my life, I just started using better judgement. I won't let this experience scare me from living life. I will not blame the entire male population for a stupid decision I made.
I finally did tell my family what happened to me. They were supportive. It helped that they didn't treat me any differently. I'm just glad I could use this experience to learn and grow, instead of hiding inside myself. And I hope this story can help someone.
<3
LittleDuck622 LittleDuck622 26-30, F 10 Responses Sep 26, 2013

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Thanks to everyone for your kind words. This isn't a story I typically share with people. Only a few people in my small group of friends even know it. I just figured Experience Project could be an anonymous way to share my thoughts, and get feedback from others. Again, thank you all so much. <3

This is definitely rape and in no way your fault. You did not lead him on, some guys just feel very ... entitled. He was not entitled to have sex with you, you did not want it, you said no. It was rape. But, I'm so glad for you that you managed to overcome the trauma and live happily despite what happened to you. Also that you managed to tell your family- having support and understanding is essential for healing. I hope you never have this experience again.

How amazing your family, support is what you need on that situation and you got it.

If it felt like rape it was rape.
Not fighting someone off doesn't mean it was consensual, it just means you were scared or in shock.

im sorry to tell you dear but yes this was rape. you said no and he shouldve stopped then and there! you are a victim and this man needs put behind bars...

Keep your head up baby girl

yes i wood say it was you told hem you did not wont to have sex he took it my wife was a virgen i did not do that till she let me she told me she was ready to we went out all most a year be for we did have sex i am glad you are moving on and that man was a sob and should be in jill

No means no! Some guys are just making up excuses saying wrong things to justify their action. what happened to you was wrong but you are a strong woman to be able to move past that :)

Thank you for your kind words and insight, sweetfleur. :)

im so proud of you that you have lived to the fullest. continue to ignore this horrible experience, rape is rape. you said no so that means no but he continued to have sex with you. hope your story help others to be courageous and continue to be an amazing person even if you encountered bad stuff in life.