..... Yeah.it Shaped My Life For Years....

I had planned on it being special.... I did  not have sex in high school I knew that  there is not a way to  be sure no babies come 100% and I did not feel ready to deal with the oops if it should be... well  I was dating this guy...   we had a little to drink ...well I had a glass of what was it oh yes my first drink... arbor mist.. I was  19 going on twenty... why so long? I wanted the right one I wanted romance so ******* shoot me...  I had no idea at the time he drank before coming over or anything much about him...to make a long story short... I said no... very clearly.. but he did it anyway.... he had hurt me so bad I  bled for two weeks...I remember how dirty i felt.. no of course i did not say anything in fact he convinced me he only did it  because he loved me and now we could be close...I remember the shock of seeing bits of skin in the bloody toilet...  I remember how painful it was....  I had a child from that also... That was ten years ago... For the longest time I never explored my sexuality in fact I  was angry hurt, and even scared...now Of course  now at thirty I have reached my sexual prime but I still wish...that that first time could have been magical... something special...I have heard of procedures done where the hymen can be replaced and that gives a chance for rape victims to  have a second chance... but of course    I would never do anything as drastic as that..LOL but no "first" has ever been special for me....not when i  had my first kiss (eww he was gross) not my first sexual experience. not even the first time me and my current husband did we have uninterrupted special   what you read in the romance novels.... oh well I am fine no trama or   anything. jsut peachy..... But at least that man is out of my life that one that  took away my innocence and my sense of worth... I hope I never hear or think of his name again...  but i do fantasize... about having some "first" where I am the most lovely person in his eyes.... and I am loved...for me not for any other reason  but jsut because......   In my heart I have my own inner virginity and my own innocence and picking up pieces of my self worth......

MeltedFlowers MeltedFlowers
31-35, F
3 Responses Feb 19, 2010

yoni massage huh... I will look into it, thanks

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you, what a betrayal of trust. I do however have a suggestion for you, if you still would like to be able to relax and explore your sexuality - tantric massage. Find a business or group that specialises in teaching and performing the tantric arts and book in for a yoni massage (female genital area). It is a very relaxing and respectful massage, great for restoring balance to an abused body.<br />
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With any concerns, you can google the yoni massage and find a mountain of information. Good Luck!

oh my that sounds awful! I can't believe a human could say it was done for love! XO<br />
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Well good thing you're rid of him. I hope his **** falls off slowly and painfully.<br />
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Yeah it would be great to have that ideal romantic love wouldn't it? It seems so hard to find.