I Feel So Vulnerable...

Me, a man. I got seduced by a girl and lost my virginity which I wanted to keep. Women always have to worry about a guy taking them when they aren't prepared to resist, but a man getting taken by a woman? It seems so backward. Perhaps that's why I wasn't ready to defend myself.

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If you just wanna skip the story and get to the part where it happened, skip to the next dotted line.

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It all happened a few months ago. I was 25 and going on 26, and living on my own. I was riding a mostly empty city bus and minding my own business when a girl wearing boy's clothing and a backward pink cap said hello to me and asked me my name. We started talking to each other and she said she had a messed up life and confided in me her problems. I had to get off the bus, so she gave me her number and I gave her mine.

I thought about her all that evening, unable to focus on my company. She was definitely odd. She talked funny, kind of stuttered. Her handwriting was poor at best. She dressed sloppy and kind of like a tough kid. She was about 18 years old. I could tell there was something not right about her but I had no idea what. But I was determined to try and help her.

We talked on the phone a lot for the next few days, and she told me about how her mother and sister were always so mean to her, and how she was always treated like crap at school. One day she stranded herself at a bus stop away from home, too late in the day to catch one back. After asking where she was, I realized she was near my house, so I gave her directions and she spent the night with me. I talked to her mother and told her her daughter was safe and fine.

Now that she knew where my house was, she kept visiting me. I got to know her a lot better, but she remained pretty mysterious. She didn't seem to be lying about the way she felt people treated her, yet I knew there's no way everyone around her was like that. I got to know her mother over the phone and found out she seemed rather nice.

Now this girl liked me a lot, and also it was rather cold at my house due to me not having heating at the time. So we would sleep under the same blanket and keep each other warm. She started getting frisky, placing my hands in her shirt and such. I was a little taken aback but didn't really figure it was a big deal. Making out never hurt anybody did it? So we would make out and frisk each other every night.

I was aware she wasn't a virgin. She wasn't afraid to tell me about her past relationships. I had a feeling they didn't go quite the way she described, but I was still uncertain of how to interpret her thoughts. I had gotten to know her mother and sister a bit better at this point. I'd been to her house, and the both of them seemed quite sane. I could tell her mom thought we were having sex but I didn't want to bring up the subject. Somehow I managed to get to it during a conversation, and she admitted she thought we were doing it. I told her the truth that that wasn't the case, and that furthermore I didn't have any romantic feelings for this girl. That was the complete and utter truth. In fact, she was starting to get on my nerves. Every day it was all about her problems, all she could do was complain.

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Anyhow, one night we were frisking and she started to undress me. I still thought it wouldn't be a problem, I believed I had the self control not to have sex with her. We got our clothes off and I figured we could just snuggle naked. Would have been fun I'm sure. But naive me didn't realize the obvious: she wanted sex. She tried to take me and suddenly all sorts of thoughts went through my mind. Should I? Should I resist? Maybe virginity is overrated. Maybe I should just do it and then I'll be free from these chains! Or maybe no, I should take control and stop her? While all these thoughts went through my head, I just lay and didn't resist much, wishing she'd stop but not having the will to intervene. She had already made the contact between us - I knew that if she had an STD then I most likely already had it. So that little fear went out the window. Then next came the thought that I might get her pregnant. I realized that I wasn't very turned on and I could tell I wasn't going to lose myself accidentally inside her. Fear #2 gone. Then for some reason I found myself accepting it, saying I'd probably enjoy it, it won't matter, she'll like it, I'm doing her a favor, stuff like that. So I put all my years of preparation to the test and attempted to give her the best pleasure I could.

She seemed to enjoy the sex, though she barely reacted. She definitely wanted it, she wasn't ready or willing to stop. But she didn't give me any signals as to what I was doing that was more pleasurable or less so. And she wasn't making sounds. It was like having sex with a doll that moved and talked. Twas very awkward. After perhaps an hour, I failed to bring either of us to climax and gave up. I took that as a blow to my ego also, feeling like I should have been able to do better than that. So I made some more attempts in the near future. I had sex with her a total of 6 times, the first 3 I never managed to bring myself to climax. The next time I did manage it, and on the last two I managed it twice. I felt I was getting her close to climax those last two times, and kept pushing, my heart racing and beating against my chest trying to get out. It felt as if my chest would explode, and I finally had to give up. I realized she wasn't going to reach climax very easily if she couldn't tell me how to bring her to it.

Later I went to my sister's house for a thanksgiving party. I had told the girl she ought to stay home but she said she'd prefer to be alone at my place than hers, so I let her. But when my sister found out she was staying there alone, she had me bring her along. Apparently I'm a lot more tolerant of annoying people or maybe I see her differently, but I got a lot of quiet complaints on the side about how annoying she was. Everyone tried to be nice but there was some serious tension between her and the others. One of them pointed out that she was probably mentally retarded. I hadn't considered this before, since usually I thought of retarded people as those with down's syndrome, and she definitely didn't have that. In fact she didn't appear physically to have any sort of defects at all. But as I thought about this more I felt it was probably true.

I helped her on some school work and found that she was studying at or around first grade level, despite her having told me she was a high school senior. Furthermore, she only partially understood about half of it, and was completely in the dark on the other half. After spending more time with her, the puzzle pieces seemed to all fall into place finally. She was at a maturity level of about 6 years old mentally, and probably had been there most of her life. She was able to learn things, but could only retain simple concepts with much repetition. She was unable to see other people as beings like her with feelings and emotions. To her, we are all just interactive items in the world around her. Because of that, her sense of fairness was virtually nonexistant, and highly skewed.

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She often seemed to think there was something special between us, even though I thought I had made it very clear to her there wasn't. Never was, not even for a moment. But I had to keep telling her over and over again. She would keep telling people about me and calling me her boyfriend. I don't know if it ever did sink in, but one time I finally yelled at her and rambled about her fairytale beliefs and how she needs to wake up to reality. She cried. It was the first time I'd seen her cry. She was actually rather mannish in a lot of ways, not crying over small things despite her relative immaturity being one of them. But this time I saw the tears coming. She complained that I was breaking her heart, and I yelled at her again, asking how I can be breaking her heart when she was the one creating this charade the whole time. I shifted the blame onto her, and for once she seemed to understand. Or at least she seemed willing to believe that I really wasn't in love with her.

The weather got cold and the lack of heating made her uncomfortable, and I had to take care of her because she couldn't keep herself warm no matter how many blankets I threw on her. I sent her home and didn't let her over while the cold lasted. My pipes froze while the hot water was running and I was unprepared to deal with it. I was already going through financial trouble. I had no choice but to leave to go live with my mom out of state. So just a few weeks ago I packed up and left this girl behind. I haven't talked to her because my phone service ended and I haven't got money to renew it. I was planning on checking up on her periodically to make sure she's okay, but the separation and me not calling her will probably just help her get over me. In fact, maybe I shouldn't even call her back. What do you guys think? I could really use some advice on that one. It's not about me, it's about her. I can (usually) take care of myself.

Anyways, long story short, I feel raped. I feel like a ****. I feel so bad because I couldn't control myself enough to keep her from taking my virginity away from me. And I didn't even enjoy it. It was all just one big bummer. I know I'm not garbage, I'm not slutty, but I can't push the feelings aside. It hurts and I've suppressed the pain. I'm going to have to deal with it sooner or later, but I'm still too afraid to admit I'm not a virgin! I want it back! I want to still have my chance to make something special! Help me guys, talk to me.

thereaverofdarkness thereaverofdarkness
26-30, M
1 Response Feb 22, 2010

I was thinking more for her good than mine. I've usually been pretty good at taking care of myself, only one blemish on that record to date. But I won't be able to get over this unless I can feel that I haven't hurt her.<br />
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I think I'll call her mother just once and ask how she's doing, but not talk to her or let her know I called. I've been thinking of doing this for weeks now, so I just need to work up the courage and do it.