Where Did I Go? I Lost Myself Yet Again?I think it happens to all of us. Not like a clap of thunder or the slam of a door. More like the gentle slow leak of sand from a cracked hour glass or the slow leak of water from a tiny crack in the water glass. But you realize it suddenly....when your glass is like mostly empty...and then you are like where did I go? I think it happens when we pour ourselves out into other people or into projects or into avoiding dealing with real life or figuring out our dreams because we feel like we could never achieve them anyway. Most of the time, though, I think it happens when we focus too much on other people. I'm not saying giving to others or caring about others is bad. But sometimes it's easy to take it a little too far and before you know it you've focused all of your energies and attention on someone else so that the colors of your life's painting have bled out and become emeshed into someone else's and rather than making a beautiful mixture of the two of you, instead you find your canvas blank and the other canvas walking away from you. That's the tricky part...you don't even realize your canvas is blank until the person who drained all the color from your life walks away and then you notice it. Or maybe the other person doesn't walk away but it's like something happens and you are like a sleeper awakened. Like before you were walking in a dreamy world of everyday simple actions that were sucking the life out of you but then for some reason you were awakened and after you found yourself fully awake you found yourself fully MIA.
so where is the cure? What is the fix? As Shakespeare said, "to thine own self be true." The tricky part here, too, is to think that finding yourself might be to exercise, eat right, lose weight, find a new girlfriend or boyfriend or get a new place or move or blah blah blah. But it is not the outer stuff that makes you missing, right? It's the inner stuff. So then while all those other things may be good and well, I think to really find yourself back you have to do the tough inner work. Quiet yourself so you can actually hear yourself think and feel and be and hear the cries and longings of your heart and look past your fears and past your road blocks and self protective walls made from the fibers of the breaks and tears of life's hurts and betrayals and lost loves and just plain losses of life. And when you start to get a glimpse of you with all your strengths and weaknesses and hopes and dreams and broken places, do not run...but embrace. It is good to be yourself. It is good to be with yourself. as you really are...warts and all as they say.
And because I know that God is my maker, I think that it cannot be ignored that to find yourself again is to face God with your realest self. The self that doesn't quite get life or get life right. The self that is messy and confused and confusing. And to really know and accept that the One who created you is the one most qualified to put the color back into your world. He knows who you are, even when you don't. He knows where you are, even when you feel as lost as anybody could ever be. He knows why you are even when you think you have absolutely no purpose whatsoever...zip...zilch...nadda...but God knows. And maybe God, in his infinite wisdom, will share with you His purpose for you, or maybe He will just hold out His hand and simply say, "Come." And just that simple act of saying okay, Lord, I'm coming along even though I'd much rather have a better idea where this is all going, nevertheless that simple act of faith...to go ahead without knowing...I think is the start of putting the color back in your world. Because the thing about relating with God is that rather than draining us of our color He creates it in us. Instead of depleting us, He makes us spark alive again. In becoming fully absorbed in God, the miracle is that you do not lose yourself but in HIm you find yourself again. Weird, huh? But really really cool.