Post

Where Did I Go? I Lost Myself Yet Again?

I think it happens to all of us.  Not like a clap of thunder or the slam of a door.  More like the gentle slow leak of sand from a cracked hour glass or the slow leak of water from a tiny crack in the water glass.  But you realize it suddenly....when your glass is like mostly empty...and then you are like where did I go?  I think it happens when we pour ourselves out into other people or into projects or into avoiding dealing with real life or figuring out our dreams  because we feel like we could never achieve them anyway.  Most of the time, though, I think it happens when we focus too much on other people.  I'm not saying giving to others or caring about others is bad.  But sometimes it's easy to take it a little too far and before you know it you've focused all of your energies and attention on someone else so that the colors of your life's painting have bled out and become emeshed into someone else's and rather than making a beautiful mixture of the two of you, instead you find your canvas blank and the other canvas walking away from you.  That's the tricky part...you don't even realize your canvas is blank until the person who drained all the color from your life walks away and then you notice it.  Or maybe the other person doesn't walk away but it's like something happens and you are like a sleeper awakened.  Like before you were walking in a dreamy world of everyday simple actions that were sucking the life out of you but then for some reason you were awakened and after you found yourself fully awake you found yourself fully MIA. 

so where is the cure?  What is the fix?  As Shakespeare said, "to thine own self be true." The tricky part here, too, is to think that finding yourself might be to exercise, eat right, lose weight, find a new girlfriend or boyfriend or get a new place or move or blah blah blah.  But it is not the outer stuff that makes you missing, right?  It's the inner stuff.  So then while all those other things may be good and well, I think to really find yourself back you have to do the tough inner work.  Quiet yourself so you can actually hear yourself think and feel and be and hear the cries and longings of your heart and look past your fears and past your road blocks and self protective walls made from the fibers of the breaks and tears of life's hurts and betrayals and lost loves and just plain losses of life.  And when you start to get a glimpse of you with all your strengths and weaknesses and hopes and dreams and broken places, do not run...but embrace.  It is good to be yourself.  It is good to be with yourself. as you really are...warts and all as they say.

And because I know that God is my maker, I think that it cannot be ignored that to find yourself again is to face God with your realest self.  The self that doesn't quite get life or get life right.  The self that is messy and confused and confusing.  And to really know and accept that the One who created you is the one most qualified to put the color back into your world.  He knows who you are, even when you don't.  He knows where you are, even when you feel as lost as anybody could ever be.  He knows why you are even when you think you have absolutely no purpose whatsoever...zip...zilch...nadda...but God knows.  And maybe God, in his infinite wisdom, will share with you His purpose for you, or maybe He will just hold out His hand and simply say, "Come."  And just that simple act of saying okay, Lord, I'm coming along even though I'd much rather have a better idea where this is all going, nevertheless that simple act of faith...to go ahead without knowing...I think is the start of putting the color back in your world.  Because the thing about relating with God is that rather than draining us of our color He creates it in us.  Instead of depleting us, He makes us spark alive again.  In becoming fully absorbed in God, the miracle is that you do not lose yourself but in HIm you find yourself again.  Weird, huh?  But really really cool.
PrayerWhisperer PrayerWhisperer 46-50, F 29 Responses Jun 28, 2010

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Ahhh I feel your pain. I lost my dad a few years ago. I still miss him. I pray for healing of your heart of this loss and a new direction and new dreams for you Purpleloo! God watch over you my friend. :)

This truly touched me & I think it was there for me to read. At the present moment, I am feeling so lost & not attuned with myself....I lost my dad a year and a half ago & from that day forward have been a mess....I crumbled, literally. I am now picking up the pieces to my broken myself & jst cnt seem to place them. Thank you for your beautifully written words, which make so much sense!

I'm glad I found this to read. Its exactly what is happening to me, putting myself so much into other people, this case my son, and getting hardly anything back.

Beautifully written and thought provoking and I'm so glad you included God within this story because my stength comes from Him, I just lose myself so much sometimes that I close my ears to Him without realizing it.

Thank you!

very beautiful, now where do I start?

The first two paragraphs made me cry

excellent post. thanks so much.

Very well said. I sometimes feel like I live in "the wood between the worlds" that CS Lewis wrote about. It is a deceptive place to be.

Thank you and I am sorry you are hurting. I will pray for you. *hugs* :)

I love your writing - and you didn't put any religion into your story right? just God - as each one of us want to think if that. For some around me it's the energy of the Universe - interconnected and intelligent - there's no church for that and they never had an Inquisition!!! I personally like God - the sense of the personal in the infinite. That was a great piece, and you must be someone special. I'm hurting right now and your words were encouraging.

I love your writing - and you didn't put any religion into your story right? just God - as each one of us want to think if that. For some around me it's the energy of the Universe - interconnected and intelligent - there's no church for that and they never had an Inquisition!!! I personally like God - the sense of the personal in the infinite. That was a great piece, and you must be someone special. I'm hurting right now and your words were encouraging.

Dear Prayerwhisperer.You are so Blessed and full of wisdom to have written such a true story.I am so inspired and encouraged cause it came so timely for me.Blessing and PEACE.

love it :)

love it :)

truely ur a good writer..

its true that to regain our true self we have to someday search within us..its the inner stuff that has to be searched.. and then dont run away but embrace or accept ur self..truely nice words explaining the soul ..

may god bless us all..

truely ur a good writer..

its true that to regain our true self we have to someday search within us..its the inner stuff that has to be searched.. and then dont run away but embrace or accept ur self..truely nice words explaining the soul ..

may god bless us all..

saving this

I'm glad to hear that Samisme! God bless and watch over you. :)

Thankyou for sharing, your message really touched me. Thankyou

Wow... You nailed it - At 43 years I often ponder on what I have really achieved in my life... God, Family and general well being is truly mankind’s greatest unappreciated treasures.

I agree,you are an excellent writer.thanks

This is very helpful, thanks. I don't agree with your religion, but I think it is wonderful that you have one, So um.. God bless? :) Thanks..

BrokeHeart I am glad you are choosing to renew your life. God bless you in that wonderful journey of finding yourself again!

Good morning, and thank you, I am the sand leaking thru the hour glass, i dedicated myself to improving all around me, and now, I am alone. The evolution of change swept over me. Loved ones and business left me. As if i had no contribution. I am leaking. I struggle to realize that I did what i was suppose to do then. But with this new day, I choose not to lose my life but to renew my Life. Thankyou for sharing ~

Thank you wolfgirl71 for sharing. I think you must be a very amazing person...I sense it. God is working always in the background...always. :) Love and blessings to you.

You are an amazing writer! You captured the whys and hows of where I am, my thoughts and feelings exactly. My canvas is blank, I am drained and empty. What purpose do I have beyond the approval of others? And yet, deep within, I know that gaining other people's approval does not mean I have the approval of the One who made me. Nor does it mean that I acted authentically. That is the road I travel now, the most difficult of all roads- the road to the Real Me without all the superficial worries of achievements, rewards, my appearance or of what others may think of me. I don't know who or What the Real me is, but you remind me that God does. And God whispers within. So in the silence of my prayers and meditations is the answer I long for- perhaps is it only "come" but it is an answer that is real and one of pure Love as only the Creator of us all has. Thank you PrayerWhisperer for your words. They help.

I humbly thank you all. It is good to share these things. It is good to feel this connection with others that understand what I try to say.

PrayerWhisperer, you touched me with these words... Thank-You =)



"But it is not the outer stuff that makes you missing, right? It's the inner stuff. So then while all those other things may be good and well, I think to really find yourself back you have to do the tough inner work.Quiet yourself so you can actually hear yourself think and feel and be and hear the cries and longings of your heart and look past your fears and past your road blocks and self protective walls made from the fibers of the breaks and tears of life's hurts and betrayals and lost loves and just plain losses of life. And when you start to get a glimpse of you with all your strengths and weaknesses and hopes and dreams and broken places, do not run...but embrace."

i agree, you are an excellent writer and i could definetly feel what you were saying all the way. you found the words to describe it perfectly.

You are an excellent writer and your images are both evocative and moving. I thank you for the inspiration, although I must confess, I was really with you `00%, but got felt a bit of a disconnect when you described God as what you seem to infer (I may be wrong) that God is a necessary part of the answer. Although you may be right and I don't have any answers since I have yet to reclaim myself, I imagine the answer lies solely within me. Nonetheless, you have touched my heart. Thank-you.