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Ramblings Of Lost Time, The Art Of Reflection, Cups Of Coffee, And A Reflection Or Two...

I stumbled into the room and looked around, wondering what brought me here to this god forsaken place. I saw before me the past that I lived, the life that I lost, the being I surrendered for someone else's needs and profit. I found the keepsakes that I cherished stored in old boxes with faded labels.

The most prominent box wrapped in a pink silk bow was the one with the tag that read "Soul". The light played with the glittery overtones of of the ribbon carefully wrapped round it. The song it's all about soul plays in my head, it's melody haunting what I used to have and sort once more within the depths of my being.

The pictures of what I was, and who I was once sat in another these however they were in an album. The voices of the people within them came to light and whispered the secret memories we shared, the playful tones of childhood lost, stolen away to a corner to hide as the teenage life grew through. Like vines of disappointment, angst and pain that filled the gaps, crept between the cracks winding themselves around my body and mind hiding what lay beneath.

The actions I took are of my own volition, the mistakes I sought to rectify, the opportunities lost to be regained at a later point are the things that sit in another corner. The choices made through fear and self loathing, the words still sting when captured and placed here in a form of expression and escape. Those choices not always of my own doing set about the vicious circle of intent to destroy and verify I was what they said I was. I made that choice to believe, the only thing that I failed to succeed at was death. No matter how prominent it sat glaring at me from afar, forever just out of reach like an unspoken goal. I punished myself with hatred more than what they could ever surpass or put on me. Wandering lost, helpless, alone and unsure of friend nor foe. I slept and dreamt it, the nightmares awoke the household with each scream in remembrance of what I was losing, much to the annoyance of those around me.

This is what I lost, and I now seek to regain once again.

I find a little more of myself here and there, spread to thin in places. My soul heals a little each day I remember what I am and who I used to be. I seek a little within the deep closest of others to gain reference to be me. I've found so much, and struggle with putting the pieces of that broken damaged puzzle of my life back together.

Thank you to those who have added a piece, or uncovered another that I thought I'd lost, may the real story of me be uncovered and may we meet so you can see the results of who I am. May I remember with each glance at my reflection, remember I am not that ogre I believed I was, I am beautiful and deserve so much more than they ever dreamed I would be. More so than I ever have.

Take my hand, and move forward gently, with each step, each stumble, pick up the lesson put forth, be free, be you and breath..

Littlemisssomebody Littlemisssomebody 31-35, F 12 Responses Aug 13, 2010

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The best piece of advice I ever got was to step out of myself and look in, mind included. To look at what I was doing, how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and observe. It was my first step to consciousness, and I will never look back.

Been there, done that, bought the postcard.. At least it worked for you. Every time I do that I look at death a little too closely and think you know it wouldn't be that hard right now just to...

Well it's like this, when you sit around and listen to others bullshit constantly and you don't tell them to back off and they don't listen - and eventually you think "You know I'm worth listening too" it's part of the process to throw a tanty - it makes people listen!

Throwing a fit aids in the healing process? This is good information to have.

Very well put I have to just re-read these words and reflect back on my own pain,knowing that I am me and will one day put my self back together. It will be better than before.

Only way to look at it in the end. Only lesson still to be learned is when to let go of the gathered pieces and when to throw the a complete tanty and toss all the toys out of the cot.. well that's my lesson to date. Good luck on yours =)

Aw well thank you for your thoughtful commenting! Much appreciated! =) *hugs* LMS

Well thank you for your comment. This is something I rambled out one night...and just let it flow. That seemed to sum up my life to date... Hold on to hope, it's still out there, it starts within first. Blessed Be. LMS

This statement really hit home for me.

" I saw before me the past that I lived, the life that I lost, the being I surrendered for someone else's needs and profit."

As the puppet strings of my life control me.

I long for my free spirit days!

Commitments control me for the time being.

Hi

I just came across this site this evening. I find the internet so fascinating as I often land up in a place totally unexpected. I was looking up shaman stories and somehow came to this group.

As I was reading your story I was amazed as I was hearing words put to gether that so simulated me -- and over the years as the old has unravelled I am being led to the end of what I thought was myself.

thanks ever so much for sharing --it was like a healing balm for my soul

I admire, love and want to live in this imagery that sometimes reminds me of a surrealist painting. Thanks for making want to write about my own conflicts again.

beautiful

*stunned silence*

This is just one of the best things I've ever seen written on here...it So beautiful LMS...your such a great writer. I feel like I need to go check out what else you have written,I don't want to miss out. =)