I Mourn My Lost Self

Through fate or just living, I lost myself. It started with a very unhappy home environment, with parents who had somehow become nasty, vindictive and bitter towards each other. I wasn’t abused or molested because of their unhappiness, they weren’t addicts or anything, but they were not emotionally able to support a child, let alone each other. I never really knew the meaning of home and family.

As I grew up I managed to formulate some sort of life on my own. My friends never came to my house, but I had many outside of the home. My friends sort of became “family”. I managed to carve out what I thought would be a life following my bliss. Bit by bit I built my experience up till I was one step away from my accomplishing the start of what I hoped would be my life’s work.

Then the accident! Plain and simple, a fractured spine at the ripe old age of 24. It took years to heal and made my dream impossible, because my back was never able to take normal stresses ever again. I did make an attempt as soon as I could, to try, but my back couldn’t take it. When I wound up in some dead end desk job, with not much of a paycheck, I knew that was the end of my dream. After that, more dead end jobs, one after another.

That’s why I use “InterruptedLife” as my name. I feel as though the me that could have been and the life I wanted, got lost when I got hurt. Since then my life has been a series of ups and downs.

I’d have to say I‘m not living in misery, now, but I’m not ecstatic either. I have been in a hetero relationship with the same partner for a long time. We do have many things in common and get along. Nothing exciting, but pretty convivial. We’re not rich, but we’re OK. We’re also each other’s best friend.

Still, if I had been successful in what I was aiming for, and was living that life…I can’t help wondering what I’d be doing now, and if my life might have been so different. I miss the me that could have been. A quote, so true --- “For all sad words of tongue or pen, saddest are these - it might have been” (John Greenleaf Whittier). Another quote also comes to mind --- “I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody”. (Brando – “On the Waterfront”)

I just don’t recognize myself anymore. Who I was, what I was, where I was, once. All gone, into the mists of time, never to return. I don’t see me in the mirror, anymore. I see a shadow of the potential I might have known. It never happened. I’m still here, but I get very sad about my lost self sometimes. I feel as though somehow, it’s turned out all wrong, and I can’t fix it. I don’t know if I can find even a small shred of who I used to be, once. It’s so hard. That’s why I chose the title of my story.


InterruptedLife InterruptedLife
66-70
10 Responses Aug 14, 2010

Thanks for sharing your experience. It made me cry actually. I am going through a crisis in my life right now, and I have kinda forgotten who I was. This crisis has been going on for a full year now. First I thought it was the job, I changed 2. It just didnt help. I had to look back to realize everything.<br />
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All I ever wanted to do to escape this home, this place, and find my wings. But now the wings have been burnt down, and there is no escape. Everything I worked hard for is gone. And I am stuck here as a looser, cos I made some horrible emotional decisions. This family has brought me down, and now they turn against me. I have stopped looking in the mirror too, and I am just 27, and I cant endure this for the rest of my life. I cant be this stranger to myself. Do I just compromise with life, and give up on everything I ever wanted.<br />
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I just dont want to do that. I am having nightmares, and I wake up each morning suffocating.

Thanks for you enspiring comment..It reminded me to count my blessing, and know things do not make one happy. i pray that every thing work out for you... Indeed everycloud....

I want to say that you all sound like such lovely caring people. I believe you haven't lost yourselves at all - none of you. How wonderful that you can come onto this site and share your feelings with all of the people out there and give them hope. You have the time and the love. so many people who are "successful" have very little time to share their love around. They are so busy being the hot shot lawyer or the best doctor or the best at their professions that they just don't even get to know themselves. <br />
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I am now 56 and I have worked hard all my life and to what end? I never see my grandchildren, I am never around when its birthdays and I have to rush Christmas because I don't get the time off work. I have recently come out of a psychologically abusive relationship (verbal abuse, insults and general put me downs) of 12 years. He has managed to rip me off several thousand to boot! <br />
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I am reassessing what I really want. I don't want the big house, I don't want the power job. I want to be with my family and my loved ones. Ironically there is now talk of redundancies where I work and I hope and pray to be one of the first out. If not I am going to quit my job and get any old job with any old money. I just don't care about the material things anymore, Because of the loss of my house (which my money paid for and how easily it was taken from me because of people failing to do their jobs properly), I have realised that it doesn't really matter!<br />
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I hope this makes sense to you all. I don't care if I end up cleaning toilets or working in some crummy joint. I really don't - I just want enough to live on. It is a myth that people in good jobs are satisfied, they are afterall no different to any of us - they belong to whoever employs them. Best wishes to you all. xx

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful and powerful story. <br />
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I remember having a similar epiphany one morning while looking in the memory I realized I was no longer a 'young man with a promising future'.<br />
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I try to take one day at the time and try to avail myself of the grace that God gives me each day.<br />
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You have a gift as a wordsmith. I hope you will post often.

I have a similar experience. When I was 16, I was involved in a serious car accident, sustained a traumatic brain injury, and was in a coma for three weeks. My abilities changed because of my brain injury. However, i am still the same person. I have fought and struggled working on myself for 19 years so far. Don't give up. I used to not believe in God, but I was saved when I was 20. He is trying to tell you something. Ask him what he wants for your life and just continue to ask for His guidance. I am not totally happy with where I am in my life, but I am the happiest I've been since my accident. Do not settle. Go and explore what it is that you think you might want to do. Take career tests in career books at barnes & noble or borders. Find out your talents and skills and where it is you could apply them. I just bought a book titled, Freedom from Fear. I have been experiencing much anxiety and fear regarding schooling, a job, and finances this summer. I am making a point of reading a little of it every night before bed. Just remember, by your writing this post, you're reaching out for answers and hope. You're not giving it. Ask God for his help in showing you what steps to take to feel better.

I'm glad you shared this. My parents divorced when I was 13, my mother was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. I had a chance to attend a very good art school, full scholarship, she kept me from doing so, she caused the physical trauma that resulted in the laundry list of disabilities I live with now. <br />
I don't often find myself asking 'why me?', but I do mourn the childhood I didn't have, lost.... I mourn the person I used to be, the potential I had, as you say. I feel as if I'm always trying to be more than I'm capable of, playing 'catch up' for lack of a better phrase. <br />
It's sad, but we are not alone... I'm glad you found my story and your story helped me to know these feelings are legitimate... knowing someone else has them too.

i understand how you feel, i hope things improve for you. i too have lost the most precious things and self identity, direction also...slowly trying to find it back, but depression and pain often cruel me. all i ever heard growing up is what special perfect people my inlaws were, and i was a little no-body. yeh, like the pop song "pictures of you...reminds us all of what we could have been" i am a failed law student- i thought i could have been a someone but the child sex abuse never left me alone. it killed the root of my existence at 5 years of age, so maybe there was little hope. I like the song from Australian Crawl "Downhearted" cuz it says it all "broken dreams that never started. I'm downhearted, that the way I'm gonna stay!"

i understand how you feel, i hope things improve for you. i too have lost the most precious things and self identity, direction also...slowly trying to find it back, but depression and pain often cruel me. all i ever heard growing up is what special perfect people my inlaws were, and i was a little no-body. yeh, like the pop song "pictures of you...reminds us all of what we could have been" i am a failed law student- i thought i could have been a someone but the child sex abuse never left me alone. it killed the root of my existence at 5 years of age, so maybe there was little hope. I like the song from Australian Crawl "Downhearted" cuz it says it all "broken dreams that never started. I'm downhearted, that the way I'm gonna stay!"

@Arelya:<br />
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I know we're not alone. Although my parents were not physically violent with each other, their anger was palpable. I hope you were able to leave your abusive partner. I wish my parents had divorced, or not had children in the first place. That kind of environment effects everyone the rest of their lives. I hope you can manage to find a life in spite of the pain. <br />
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Life can be very wonderful, but it can also be so painful. I know the feeling of loss and of lost life. I hope you heal from your wounds, I am so sorry for your lost self. There's another quote I think of sometime, I don't know who said it -- "No matter where you go, there you are". I guess we must work through things, as best we can on our own, no one is inside our skin but us. It's very difficult, no doubt about it.

thank you for sharing your story. i am sorry for your bad luck with the accident. life does bring you adversity at times, and it really is not fair to us all. mine was in the form of a physically abusive ex partner who has caused me both physical and mental damage that has not healed in over a decade. i wanted to respond to reach out and tell you i'm sorry for how you are feeling. i am feeling lost too.