Previous Story for I Lost Myself Somewhere Along the Way
Next Story for I Lost Myself Somewhere Along the Way
And So Now...
Posted January 28th, 2012 at 12:08AM
so now I'm working on getting me back.
I'm working on finding myself through all of the things I used to love, used to do. I'm re-learning who I was and who I am now.
When you've been in love and treated the way I was treated (not all his fault, I allowed him to treat me this way and thought it was ok as long as he loved me... it wasn't ok), your needs get ignored, your feelings get ignored and you take a backseat to everyone and everything else until you become nothing but a shadow or a servant/slave.
All of a sudden you no longer have a right to your own space, your privacy, your things, yourself. All of a sudden you are who they want you to be.
You're used and, in a way, abused (mentally and emotionally).
Until you remember that you are as important as anyone else. That you matter too. Then it's an uphill battle to regain your rights, your worth, yourself.
I began to set some well-needed boundaries. I put my foot down and fought a hard mental and emotional battle until those boundaries became set in stone. (imagine not being able to go to the bathroom without everyone in the household walking in as they will (even when you lock the door, they get in). You have no privacy, no time to breathe where you aren't expected to care for them or listen to them. And then you start demanding that they stay out of the bathroom, because you have a right to go without being pestered. At first, they still go in and you have to complain and yell and get angry and give them a taste of their own medicine for them to understand what it's like not to be respected. Then after a while, they stop entering the bathroom and you can finally be alone in there. You've gained one sanctuary from all the incessant disrespect). And each time I added a new boundary, I had to struggle to get it respected.
We're not there yet, but I'm getting there. I reminded him that I asked for very little for myself in 12 years and that I'm not a demanding woman, but that I have a right to basic necessities, and a right to have fun too. So now I can get things I need and some of the things I want.
And with each step I take, I'm regaining the person I was, the person I should not have stopped being. I'm not only smiling more, but I've gained something more. I'm self-confident now. I'm able to stand up and say "respect me. I have a right to be here"
So until I regain myself completely, and even after, I'll remember that I lost myself somewhere in between then and now... and I'll remember not to lose myself again.
I'm working on finding myself through all of the things I used to love, used to do. I'm re-learning who I was and who I am now.
When you've been in love and treated the way I was treated (not all his fault, I allowed him to treat me this way and thought it was ok as long as he loved me... it wasn't ok), your needs get ignored, your feelings get ignored and you take a backseat to everyone and everything else until you become nothing but a shadow or a servant/slave.
All of a sudden you no longer have a right to your own space, your privacy, your things, yourself. All of a sudden you are who they want you to be.
You're used and, in a way, abused (mentally and emotionally).
Until you remember that you are as important as anyone else. That you matter too. Then it's an uphill battle to regain your rights, your worth, yourself.
I began to set some well-needed boundaries. I put my foot down and fought a hard mental and emotional battle until those boundaries became set in stone. (imagine not being able to go to the bathroom without everyone in the household walking in as they will (even when you lock the door, they get in). You have no privacy, no time to breathe where you aren't expected to care for them or listen to them. And then you start demanding that they stay out of the bathroom, because you have a right to go without being pestered. At first, they still go in and you have to complain and yell and get angry and give them a taste of their own medicine for them to understand what it's like not to be respected. Then after a while, they stop entering the bathroom and you can finally be alone in there. You've gained one sanctuary from all the incessant disrespect). And each time I added a new boundary, I had to struggle to get it respected.
We're not there yet, but I'm getting there. I reminded him that I asked for very little for myself in 12 years and that I'm not a demanding woman, but that I have a right to basic necessities, and a right to have fun too. So now I can get things I need and some of the things I want.
And with each step I take, I'm regaining the person I was, the person I should not have stopped being. I'm not only smiling more, but I've gained something more. I'm self-confident now. I'm able to stand up and say "respect me. I have a right to be here"
So until I regain myself completely, and even after, I'll remember that I lost myself somewhere in between then and now... and I'll remember not to lose myself again.
Add your Comment