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Back In The Day To Now

Today i was clearing up my inbox on my hot-mail,,, ran into some really old e-mails and realized how much I've changed in the past almost 5 yrs but also how much I've not changed. Recently I've been feeling that time just stood still for me, no husband, no kids, hardly any new friends, still living in the place, etc...etc...Anyways... I was reading the e-mails I had sent back in 07, I had just graduated high school that May and had started a new job(BTW same job i have now) reading them made me feel like i had more to say then, my writing was so different to the way it is now and I don't get why. It looked so easy...like I wrote it and expressed everything i wanted to say without looking to much into it. Now I have to think really hard to get a sentence out, I mean I think it but its so difficult for me to put it on a piece of paper, like I can't get the right words out. Even now as I'm writing this I'm having a little bit of a hard time. I hadn't noticed that I am different. I guess you grow up feeling like you're the same person you were in high school (in some ways you still kind of are) and then BAM! one day you read one of your old outbox messages and open up a whole can of worms. I kinda feel I was a lot better then. Not that I'm not good now, its just sometimes I have nothing to say. I was more clever. Awkward pauses happen more often than they used to or maybe I'm just more aware of them, I've always been the quiet-shy type. I have a lot of doubts about the future when before it was a whole lot less like maybe it will never get here. I get frustrated with myself when I feel my vocabulary is limited but the words that I do know I don't use in fear that I'll sound too "smart". Also, I have always tried to not change for anybody. In doing that I feel like I've lost myself. Weird huh? Like there's a bunch of me floating around up in the air and the human me is waving my hands back and forth like crazy trying to reach one of me without success. I dunno how else to describe it. I try to stay away from writing anything cheesy on my facebook but its so hard for me to come up with something original so I just don't write anything at all until I think of something. I hate when people write how they are so REAL, ugh ticks me off, or when they write how they are so sad and don't want to emphasize, or how they just got a new truck, or when they say YAY a lot, or how lady gaga is so freaking amazing!!!... I just don't get it.See, I criticize a lot of what people say or do when in some ways I want to say and do it also (Not everything of course). I want to be a good person its just sometimes I don't like being a phony person, like being outwardly excited for someone is so hard for me even when I really want to be. I can be happy for you but on the inside. I feel like I've lost everything I loved about myself. I think I'm too young to be going through a mid-life crisis or maybe I just thrown myself to some kind of personality disorder lol. I avoid old friends I haven't seen or talked to in a while, I want to go out and have fun but I get this crazy anxiety when someone invites me anywhere and then I regret not going, I want to have a lot of friends like I used to(I just didn't make the effort to keep them my friends), I just want at least part of my old self back. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was so happy back then and I didn't even realize it, I'd just give anything to feel that way again. :)
figneuton figneuton 22-25, F 3 Responses Mar 23, 2012

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Reading this, I felt like I was reading something from myself that I don't remember writing :) I've been going through these kinds of realizations for the past couple of months and it's hard when you realize that the things you used to be able to count on are no longer part of your life, like friends, a mindset, goals or dreams, etc. I lost "myself" slowly as I pushed through an abusive relationship for two years, and when I finally got out, I looked back on who I was before and saw little resemblance in myself as I stood afterwards. What is important is being able to realize that these changes are inevitable and that fighting or mourning them does nothing to improve your current or future situations. In fact, a lot of the time, changes that seem wrong or saddening are often the kinds of changes that can bring you to a deeper understanding of yourself and what you want. I know it's hard to stop focusing on these things because of how significantly they impacted your life, but it's going to be even harder to grow into the kind of person you want to be when things of the past continue to haunt you. Personally, it took me over a year to come to terms with the fact that my abusive relationship had caused my friends to become more distant, hindered my ambitions, and shook up any ideas about myself that I previously held to be true, but even after those losses and my months of anger and sadness, I found that the person I am today is a lot more aware, a lot smarter, a lot more critical, and a lot less willing to just "give in" to what people expect of me.

Anyway, I think that what you're going through really is quite normal, and while it's uncomfortable and difficult to endure (especially when you feel as though you haven't got many people to talk with about it), I think that you'll come out on the other side with a deeper understanding of yourself, which makes all the difference in the end.

If you ever want a friend to talk to, send me a message :) Everybody could use a listening every ear now and then.

Having reached 64 years on this blue dot, I have learned so much that if I learn something new it means my brain has to conduct a data dump to make room, so everyday I forget something because I learn something everyday. Apparently there is no plan as to what disappears just like we never know what we are going to learn. So, when I want to say "I like to ask rhetorical questions" it comes out "I like to ask questions that I, no everyone knows the answer to as soon as we hear the question." Honest this happened yesterday. So, here are some comforting words for you. You are not a robot you are human and you are traveling the same path we are all on. Welcome to the downhill portion of the Human race, I'm just a little further down mountain than you are. Don't worry you'll get here soon enough, but by then I probably won't be there, but I will try and treat each day as a day I will gain but lose also. Hope this is Zen enough to answer you. If not, soon you won't even remember that you asked a question, let alone what was the question; making the answer a wash, it just doesn't matter! As Mary Shelley wrote: " There are some things in the Universe that man should never question."

I feel like in a way we all go thru this. We all grow up and don't even realize we've grown away from the favorite parts of ourselves. But we can keep growing and changing, and sometimes we'll find ourselves back to the favorite parts of us. Change is constant and can be freeing so embrace it when you can!