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What Has Happen To Me?

Even though my past was hell, back then I was someone. I feel as if I lost what I was thru the drugs and sex. I had people come up to me, people that I used to know, and they tell me that I am not the same person that I lost what they loved the most about me. I know I have become a wretched person, but I cant help it I am so lost in what to do next. I am unsure if I even want to try to get myself back. I am so far gone that it would be worthless to try. I will always be the one that cant let the past go , and it is tearing me apart. All I have is my drugs, I have nothing to show for my life. I have scars of the past on my body that will not let me forget or let go of what happened. I will never be the same as I used to be. I will never be able to find the little spark of life I had back then. I am broken and no one can fix me but me and I really dont have the strength to do it... I cover up all this pain with sex and drugs just like I always have, it has always worked, Why change it now?
imperfectbeauty imperfectbeauty 18-21, F 3 Responses Apr 5, 2012

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I don't know who you used to be, but I see a lot in your writing. It's deep and insightful and honestly I'm finding reading it to be very addicting. I'm not sure what you lost, but I think there is a lot to be found in you... a lot that is good.

I hear your pain. I understand how hurts lasts and you can't let go of it. My pain stayed wtih me and even when I thought I had won. Just traded it for a new pain. You are young. You have plenty of time to work on the new you. The one you are. We are who we are and life helps form us. It does not define us though. You are the only one that can do that. I am no wizard and I am having the time of my life trying to deal with my issues. Yet faces the fears is somewhat comforting knowing things can change. I ran used alcohol and drugs. Men were easy to fill my void. Takes it toll though. Reach out and try to find the you that is there. You will need help but you can do it! Ask for some help trust someone with your pain. I hear you .....there is help. Share it let it out. Here for your support.

Dont try to be who you were before. the scars that remind you of your past are not their to haunt you they are there to remind you that you went through something and your still alive! you are a survivor! you have been through ****... but you came out the other side. dont wallow in your past, learn from it. everything happens for a reason and your still here there has got to be a reason for that. you use sex and drugs to feel something, give your life meaning, i know this because i was the same. you just have to find something else that gives you meaning. what defines you? try art, writing, music, charity work.. some kind of creative outlet.... try meeting people your drugs are your friends, your company... but they dont have to be there is something better, other human beings.