I Lost Myself Somewhere Along the Way
HI. MY NAME IS ARCIHE. I HAVE A L-O-T OF ISSUES THAT ARE SCRAMBLED IN MY HEAD. I'M ALWAYS HOME ALONE ALL DAY, JUST ME & MY LITTLE DOG, CHUBS. I'M BLESSED TO HAVE HER. I GET ON HERE & WRITE THESE STORIES DOWN, WHICH ARE MY THOUGHTS &/ OR MEMORIES. I GET ON HERE & OPENLY SPILL MY GUTS, KNOWING THE WHOLE WORLD CAN READ THIS, BUT I GUESS IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER. I NEED A PLACE TO VENT. TO RELEASE EVERYTHING IN THE CONFINES OF MY MIND. I AM SUCH A CONFUSED PERSON RIGHT NOW. I FEEL ALONE & EMPTY, WITH MEMORIES THAT HAUNT ME, & SOME OF THEM ARE OF MY OWN DOING. I TRULY REGRET HAVING BEEN ABUSED & THEN NOT BEING ABLE TO EXPRESS MY LOVE TO THE ONES WHO MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. I'M SPEAKING OF THE CHILDREN I HELPED RAISE. GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE & MISS THEM. I WISH I HAD BEEN A BETTER PERSON WITH THEM. I WISH THEY KNEW HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO ME. THEY'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO'S LOVE I CHEERISHED & NOW THEY DON'T EVEN WHAT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. I LOVED THEM AS MY OWN, SHOWING & GIVING THEM THE LOVE I HAD NOT RECEIVED. WHAT HAPPENED?
NOW IT'S ONLY ME, THOUGH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE THAT ABUSED LITTLE BOY IS IN THIS GROWN MAN'S BODY, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO. I'VE GONE BACK INTO MY SHELL.
OH, HOW I WANT TO EXPRESS THE WAY I FEEL INSIDE. BUT HOW CAN I WHEN I'M SO CONFUSED & DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I LAY IN BED ALL DAY LONG, JUST OFF INTO MY OWN LITTLE WORLD, OR SOMEWHERE. LATELY, I'VE BEEN SPENDING ALL MY WAKING HOURS ON HERE & READING PEOPLES' STORIES. SO MUCH OF US HAVE SIMULAR PROBLEMS, & WITH THEM, MANY QUESTIONS. I JUST READ A STORY OF A LADY VENTING OUT HER FRUSTRATIONS ABOUT AN ABUSIVE SISTER. IT BROUGHT TO MIND MY OWN FAMILY & OF HOW F**KED UP IT IS. I HAVE 4 SISTERS & NONE OF US WILL HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. ALL HAVE BEEN ABUSED & ALL ENDING UP DETACHED FROM EACH OTHER. WHAT A MESSED UP LIFE.
FOR A WHILE NOW, WELL FOR A COUPLE OF YRS, I'VE BEEN STUCK IN A DEPRESSION MODE. IT REALLY STINKS A LOT. I'LD LIKE TO PULL MYSELF UP OUT OF IT, BUT THEN I FEEL LIKE I'M LOST SOMEWHERE WITHIN MYSELF. DAYS GO BY, I STAY IN BED, NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO OPEN THE BLINDS. I AM HERE. I JUST SIMPLY EXIST. I TELL MYSELF THIS IS ONLY A TEMPORARY PHASE, IT'LL PASS. BUT, IT'S BEEN 2 YRS NOW. GIVE ME A BREAK.
THOUGH I AM A CHRISTIAN, I DON'T GO TO CHURCH. I HADN'T FOUND A CHURCH THAT I LIKE AROUND HERE. WHERE ARE THE COMPASSIONATE PEOPLE? THE ONES WHO LOVE & CARE. WHO ARE THERE TO LOVE, ENCOURAGE & HELP EACH OTHER. WHEN I VISITED SOME CHURCHES, IT WAS MORE LIKE A GOSSIP CENTER. THAT I CAN DO WITHOUT. & I'M NOT HARD OF HEARING. I SURE DON'T NEED SOME PREACHER BLARING THRU THE SPEAKERS. THE CHURCH CAN BE FILLED, EVERYONE SHOLDER TO SHOLDER & YET I'M SITTING THERE FEELING ALONE. AN OUTSIDER. AM I TO EMBRACE SUCH A PLACE? I THINK NOT.SO HERE I AM HOME ALONE, WEEK AFTER WEEK, THE MONTHES & YRS JUST PASSING BY. STILL ALONE.
WHEN I'M FEELING MYSELF, WELL, I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW, OR I SHOULD SAY WHO MYSELF IS ANYMORE. BETTER YET, BEFORE I GOT TO THE STAGE I AM AT, DEPRESSION MODE, I WAS VERY MOTIVATED & AMBITIOUS. THERE WAS NO STOPPING ME. I KEPT BUSY DAY & NIGHT. EVERYONE WHO SAW ME WAS AMZED AT MY NON STOP ENERGY. NOW JUST TO GET OUT OF BED IS A CHORE.
I AM VERY PLEASED TO SAY, I HAVE MET ONE FRIEND ON HERE WHO WILL LISTEN TO MY CRAZINESS. EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NOTHING SHE CAN DO, SHE HAS ISSUES OF HER OWN, JUST HAVING HER THERE MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE. I SHARED THINGS WITH HER YESTERDAY & AGAIN THIS MORNING, WANTING HER JUST TO LISTEN, & BE A FRIEND. I KIND OF FIGURED, SINCE SHE'S DEALING WITH THINGS OF HER OWN, THAT MY CONFINDING IN HER, ESPECIALLY THE CRAZINESS OF MY MENTAL STATE (THE 7 YR OLD WITHIN ME), I WAS CONCERNED IF I OPENED UP TO HER, SHE WOULD PUSH ME AWAY. NO ONE WANTS ADDED DRAMA TO THEIR LIVES. I THANK GOD, & HER, THAT SHE HASN'T PUSHED AWAY. & HAS TOLD ME SHE WON'T. I JUST WISH I COULD CLEAR MY HEAD & BE AMONG THE LIVING AGAIN. TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE & TO BE ACTIVE AGAIN.
I ONLY CHECK MY MAIL BOX ONCE A WEEK. I DON'T USUALLY HAVE ANY MAIL, SO IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE. EXCEPT 2 WEEKS AGO FRIEND SENT ME AN EASTER CARD & I DIDN'T GO PICK IT UP UNTIL THE WEEK AFTER EASTER. I STILL THANKED HIM FOR THE CARD. HE WAS IRRITATED I GOT IT LATE.
I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I MOWED MY YARD, BUT I'M SURE MY NEIGHBORS WOULD APRECIATE IT IF I DID, AS THE GRASS HAS GOTTEN TALL. AN UNKEPT YARD IS SO UNLIKE ME. AT LEAST THE ME I USE TO BE. I FEEL LOST & I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW MANY MEs I DO HAVE. I'LD LIKE TO GET THE MOTIVATED ME BACK AGAIN. THE ME THAT GETS THINGS DONE & IS ALWAYS HELPING THOSE AROUND ME.
I REALLY WONDER IF I HAVE DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES. JUST BECAUSE OF THE DIFFERENT WAYS I CAN BE, OR HAVE BEEN. A FRIEND CALLS THE JOKER ME "ARCHIE 1". BUT SHE'S SEEN SOME OTHER "ARCHIEs" FROM ME WHO ARE VERY DIFERENT. I ASKED HER SOME TIME AGO IF SHE THOUGHT I HAD MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES. AT THE TIME SHE SAID NO. I WONDER NOW IF SHE STILL FEELS THE SAME. SHE SEES ME IN THE CONDITION I'M IN & SHE KNOWS THINGS ABOUT ME THAT I WOULD NEVER SHARE ON HERE. SHE'LD LIKE TO HELP, BUT LIKE ME, DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
A FRIEND WANTS ME TO GO STAY WITH HIM & HIS WIFE FOR A WHILE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE IN THE MENTAL STATE I AM.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL STOP WRITING FOR NOW. I THINK I'M JUST POSTING THIS MAINLY FOR ME. I JUST NEEDED TO VENT & I KNOW I HAVE MORE VENTING TO DO. JUST TO GET IT OUT & TRY TO CLEAR, OR MAKE SENSE OF THIS MIXED UP MIND. IF ANYONE READING THIS FEELS LIKE I DO, I CAN CERTIANLY FEEL FOR YOU.
NOW IT'S ONLY ME, THOUGH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE THAT ABUSED LITTLE BOY IS IN THIS GROWN MAN'S BODY, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO. I'VE GONE BACK INTO MY SHELL.
OH, HOW I WANT TO EXPRESS THE WAY I FEEL INSIDE. BUT HOW CAN I WHEN I'M SO CONFUSED & DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I LAY IN BED ALL DAY LONG, JUST OFF INTO MY OWN LITTLE WORLD, OR SOMEWHERE. LATELY, I'VE BEEN SPENDING ALL MY WAKING HOURS ON HERE & READING PEOPLES' STORIES. SO MUCH OF US HAVE SIMULAR PROBLEMS, & WITH THEM, MANY QUESTIONS. I JUST READ A STORY OF A LADY VENTING OUT HER FRUSTRATIONS ABOUT AN ABUSIVE SISTER. IT BROUGHT TO MIND MY OWN FAMILY & OF HOW F**KED UP IT IS. I HAVE 4 SISTERS & NONE OF US WILL HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. ALL HAVE BEEN ABUSED & ALL ENDING UP DETACHED FROM EACH OTHER. WHAT A MESSED UP LIFE.
FOR A WHILE NOW, WELL FOR A COUPLE OF YRS, I'VE BEEN STUCK IN A DEPRESSION MODE. IT REALLY STINKS A LOT. I'LD LIKE TO PULL MYSELF UP OUT OF IT, BUT THEN I FEEL LIKE I'M LOST SOMEWHERE WITHIN MYSELF. DAYS GO BY, I STAY IN BED, NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO OPEN THE BLINDS. I AM HERE. I JUST SIMPLY EXIST. I TELL MYSELF THIS IS ONLY A TEMPORARY PHASE, IT'LL PASS. BUT, IT'S BEEN 2 YRS NOW. GIVE ME A BREAK.
THOUGH I AM A CHRISTIAN, I DON'T GO TO CHURCH. I HADN'T FOUND A CHURCH THAT I LIKE AROUND HERE. WHERE ARE THE COMPASSIONATE PEOPLE? THE ONES WHO LOVE & CARE. WHO ARE THERE TO LOVE, ENCOURAGE & HELP EACH OTHER. WHEN I VISITED SOME CHURCHES, IT WAS MORE LIKE A GOSSIP CENTER. THAT I CAN DO WITHOUT. & I'M NOT HARD OF HEARING. I SURE DON'T NEED SOME PREACHER BLARING THRU THE SPEAKERS. THE CHURCH CAN BE FILLED, EVERYONE SHOLDER TO SHOLDER & YET I'M SITTING THERE FEELING ALONE. AN OUTSIDER. AM I TO EMBRACE SUCH A PLACE? I THINK NOT.SO HERE I AM HOME ALONE, WEEK AFTER WEEK, THE MONTHES & YRS JUST PASSING BY. STILL ALONE.
WHEN I'M FEELING MYSELF, WELL, I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW, OR I SHOULD SAY WHO MYSELF IS ANYMORE. BETTER YET, BEFORE I GOT TO THE STAGE I AM AT, DEPRESSION MODE, I WAS VERY MOTIVATED & AMBITIOUS. THERE WAS NO STOPPING ME. I KEPT BUSY DAY & NIGHT. EVERYONE WHO SAW ME WAS AMZED AT MY NON STOP ENERGY. NOW JUST TO GET OUT OF BED IS A CHORE.
I AM VERY PLEASED TO SAY, I HAVE MET ONE FRIEND ON HERE WHO WILL LISTEN TO MY CRAZINESS. EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NOTHING SHE CAN DO, SHE HAS ISSUES OF HER OWN, JUST HAVING HER THERE MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE. I SHARED THINGS WITH HER YESTERDAY & AGAIN THIS MORNING, WANTING HER JUST TO LISTEN, & BE A FRIEND. I KIND OF FIGURED, SINCE SHE'S DEALING WITH THINGS OF HER OWN, THAT MY CONFINDING IN HER, ESPECIALLY THE CRAZINESS OF MY MENTAL STATE (THE 7 YR OLD WITHIN ME), I WAS CONCERNED IF I OPENED UP TO HER, SHE WOULD PUSH ME AWAY. NO ONE WANTS ADDED DRAMA TO THEIR LIVES. I THANK GOD, & HER, THAT SHE HASN'T PUSHED AWAY. & HAS TOLD ME SHE WON'T. I JUST WISH I COULD CLEAR MY HEAD & BE AMONG THE LIVING AGAIN. TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE & TO BE ACTIVE AGAIN.
I ONLY CHECK MY MAIL BOX ONCE A WEEK. I DON'T USUALLY HAVE ANY MAIL, SO IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE. EXCEPT 2 WEEKS AGO FRIEND SENT ME AN EASTER CARD & I DIDN'T GO PICK IT UP UNTIL THE WEEK AFTER EASTER. I STILL THANKED HIM FOR THE CARD. HE WAS IRRITATED I GOT IT LATE.
I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I MOWED MY YARD, BUT I'M SURE MY NEIGHBORS WOULD APRECIATE IT IF I DID, AS THE GRASS HAS GOTTEN TALL. AN UNKEPT YARD IS SO UNLIKE ME. AT LEAST THE ME I USE TO BE. I FEEL LOST & I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW MANY MEs I DO HAVE. I'LD LIKE TO GET THE MOTIVATED ME BACK AGAIN. THE ME THAT GETS THINGS DONE & IS ALWAYS HELPING THOSE AROUND ME.
I REALLY WONDER IF I HAVE DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES. JUST BECAUSE OF THE DIFFERENT WAYS I CAN BE, OR HAVE BEEN. A FRIEND CALLS THE JOKER ME "ARCHIE 1". BUT SHE'S SEEN SOME OTHER "ARCHIEs" FROM ME WHO ARE VERY DIFERENT. I ASKED HER SOME TIME AGO IF SHE THOUGHT I HAD MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES. AT THE TIME SHE SAID NO. I WONDER NOW IF SHE STILL FEELS THE SAME. SHE SEES ME IN THE CONDITION I'M IN & SHE KNOWS THINGS ABOUT ME THAT I WOULD NEVER SHARE ON HERE. SHE'LD LIKE TO HELP, BUT LIKE ME, DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
A FRIEND WANTS ME TO GO STAY WITH HIM & HIS WIFE FOR A WHILE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE IN THE MENTAL STATE I AM.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL STOP WRITING FOR NOW. I THINK I'M JUST POSTING THIS MAINLY FOR ME. I JUST NEEDED TO VENT & I KNOW I HAVE MORE VENTING TO DO. JUST TO GET IT OUT & TRY TO CLEAR, OR MAKE SENSE OF THIS MIXED UP MIND. IF ANYONE READING THIS FEELS LIKE I DO, I CAN CERTIANLY FEEL FOR YOU.
By:
LITTLEBOYINSIDE
Age:
41-45
,
Male
