Living With My Boyfriend Who Is Using Me For His Kids & Its Breaking My Heart....

I am living with my boyfriend, we have been together well over a year. He has a exwife that is controlling & always putting the kids on me to watch. He has 2 younger children. I am so confused & don't know what to do anymore & need advice & friends & support from others that understand & have been there or can just be a friend to talk to.His ex guardian for the kids & be the care giver for them, but she is so greedy with the $ & doesn't want to spend a penny on these kids, so she uses whoever she can for free child care, & unfortunately my bf doesn't see no wrong in it, because hes looking at it as he gets to spend time with his kids, & does not see that its too much for me too bare. I have many health issues & concerns, I can barely funtion at times its sometimes a struggle for me to just get threw the day. Sadly I have repeatly explained this & it doesn't matter to him, he can't get out of his world with his kids, thinking just about them & not anything about me at all. Our whole life has been nothing but about them,all the time! It wasn't like this in the beginning he only got them every other weekend like a normal visitation, then as soon as I moved in, then his exwife started dropping them off on me all the time. At one point we had them for sererval months, & my health was so runned doww from psyically taking care of them, I got extremely sick from it. I have confronted him & told him that I feel he only moved me in for his kids, because nothing is ever for me or us, its always about them. He has told me he loves me,etc. but saids he loves them to & wants to see them, & I tell him he sees them all the time now. I know other men with kids & they don't act this way, it unormal the way he acts over them & the exwife totaly controls him with the kids, hes afraid not to do what she wants, & I know shes been putting the kids on me to cause problems in our relationshp & put a financial burden on us to cause problems. I am so confused & feel like hes using me & just saying what I want to hear. Also anytime the kids are there, hes in the greatest moods,happy & everything is great. But when they are not hes not. He treats me great when they are there, & is kind & considerate to me & everything is fine as long as I agree to take them & watch them, hes perfectly happy,but when I say no or don't want to hes a different person completely toward me.PLEASE ANYONE THAT CAN GIVE ME ADVICE, BE A FRIEND FEMALE OR MALE PLEASE RESPOND, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I FEEL so confused & so alone & sad all the time because of this....
Hope127 Hope127
41-45, F
4 Responses May 4, 2012

You should give him a dose of reality. Leave the kids with him for a week or two and he'll be much more appreciative of you when you return. Let him know that there needs to be more "date time". People will only take advantage of you if you let them. I've experienced something very similar.

I am in your exact situation. It is hard but I feel like you, what can you do? I have 2 kids myself, then to top 2 of this, it just makes it difficult. I have anxiety attacks all the time. Just the thought of them being here sends my heart racing. It stresses me out beyond words. Tonight while about to leave VBS, his daughter walks up to me and asks me if her friend can spend the night, well I love this little girl like she was my own, and said "go ask your dad", she did, then he asked me, then the other girls mom asked me. I felt as if I was put in the position to say yes. I mean come on, when you have all looking at me and asking, how can I say no? I'd be the bad person. I know I should put my foot down but it is hard. Esp when you love them. I don't know what to do. So now I have 5 kids to watch tomorrow while he is at work. :( Tired of being stressed, tied down, and feeling used. :( I want a better life than this. This is not what I signed up for.

I was once involved in a relationship that kids were involved and it was hard. Yes, obviously there were times where I was expected to act like a stepmother and watched them but they were really great kids and a lot of fun so I didn't mind. But I think the difference was that they were on a visitation schedule and he did make an effort to thank me and to take me out, etc. So I felt appreciated. Perhaps this is key in your situation. Perhaps you should say..."Okay honey I don't mind helping out with the kids (And never, ever say his kids because that just puts distance. You want him to think you love his kids as much as he does.) but then will we be taking some us time? Where are you going to taking me?" And you are not obligated to say yes all the time. Sometimes, like Wind said, you should put yourself 1st. But I think the key here is balance and if you are living together he needs to work on your relationship just as much as his relationship with his kids. Good luck!

Tell him how you are feeling. He may not know. If he loves you he will accommodate. If he doesn't he won't. We make life much more complicated then it really is. Love yourself first then share it with others.