I Just Want My Spark Back....

... so here I am... and who am I? I don't know anymore.. my heart is shattered into millions of tiny pieces,.... still all his.. I am present, but my mind is absent, unexplainable pain and confusion, tons of answered questions, doubt and hopelessness. I am standing at the crossroad, yet feel like moving backwards. Knowing of how valuable the time is, the guilt is penetrating to the core for the days that are lost, yet I am unable to live them, I'm just stuck and can't move forward....Extreme happiness taken away in a blink of an eye... it's been six months, he just disappeared...pulled a rug from underneath my feet and still I can't get up..... 6 past months of my life... in which I lost mysef, my dreams, my hopes, my laugh, my passion for life and my spark...How do I get it back???..there is no light at the end of the tunnel in which I'm drowning more and more...and he is somewhere else, feeling actually AWESOME.... why did God allow me to have this little bit of happiness?... now I wish I never had it...just not worth the pain... I feel I'm lost and nowhere to be found.... I'm trying to get through the day, waiting for a miracle to happen until the night and darkness fall again..... until the next day. And I hope to get hope but it's gone already... So who am I? I don't know anymore....where is this funny, happy person, that child in me who loves to dance and makes other laugh... He took it all... and he still has it....somewhere in an AWESOME world of his....How do I get myself back, how do I trust again, how do I love again, how do I get hope again? 
agnes424 agnes424
31-35
1 Response May 21, 2012

Hi<br />
I can relate. I was in a controlling abusive marriage and when I finally had the courage to leave I was so broken. I forgot who I was. It took a lot of work but I found me again. I took back my life. The thing that really helped me was to realize that I had a choice. I have this quote that I use on my blog and website, "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~ Maria Robinson<br />
It really starts with changing the story we tell ourselves. We can choose how it ends. What is one thing you used to do that made you happy in the past, when you were most yourself? Maybe, you need to play some of your favorite old songs and dance around the house. I am here if you need support.

what a great answer!! dancing around the house is a terrific way to start your new day.
I was broken and stayed with "him" for 15 more years. talk about wasted years. by the end of it all (he passed away 1 year ago) I jumped back and forth between feeling guilty for not just getting over it and being relieved it done. don't get me wrong I loved him (wouldn't have stayed if i didn't) but i didnt trust him. I don't want to disrespect you or make what you're feeling insignificant because it isn't. What you're feeling right now is the most significant thing in your life and is so significant that you'll never forget it. I'm with you. Maria has it exactly right. At this moment you don't know what to do. confusion mixed with "what difference will it make" together with "wake me up from this night mare" thinking it can't be real. but the one thing you know you half to do (or you wouldn't be in this group) is find yourself. Your real self, and there's isn't a step by step method for that. Believe me, if there was one i'd have found it by now. but if you do this thing, turn your music up loud and dance around your house, I promise that afterward you really will feel better. really. It's the only thing you can do, at least right this minute. In fact, there's a re-run on tv right now I think I'll do the very same thing. If your here we can do it together, right now.........best wishes, write anytime..............vs

I joined this group because I remember what it was like to be in so much pain, to lose yourself and not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe everything I went through was for a reason. Lisa Nicols says let your mess be your message. It is my purpose on earth to help heal and empower those who are still in the struggle. I found myself and love myself so much now. I want everyone to know that joy.

One thing I had to do was forgive myself for all the wasted time. One day I stood in front of the mirror and looked into my eyes and forgave myself one by one for every bad choice I made, for the wasted years, for not loving myself and not choosing myself. It took a long time in front of the mirror but I let it go. Now I choose to live in the present. I can't change the past but I can choose how I will live and feel today.

Hello,

Thank you so much for your email. That's exactly what I need to do, yet I hold on so much to the past, and all these should haves, would haves, could haves are always on my mind... you give me hope that things can turn around.. I just don't know how to let go of these feelings and this emptiness... I am ashamed to say it, and it's hard to admit it, but you are right on that one...it is so hard for me to love myself and I always look for validation.. why? I don't know... but I know that that is the source of the way I feel...The fact that I miss him so much that I can barely function doesn't help.. and all these questions in my head over and over... and then, I wonder if I will be able to trust ever again... Your email though gives me some hope and makes me look at things from different perspective, yet it is still so painful..Thank you for saying these words..that's the key to happiness, just loving yourself, now I only need to discover how to let it go and be my friend....My best wishes

You can't change what you don't acknowledge. So kudos for you, you already are self-aware. That is the first step. I want to give you a challenge, for one week every time you pass a mirror, stop and look into your eyes and say I love you and then your name. It will seem unnatural and fake but keep doing it and start thinking about what you like about you as you do it. For example, I am compassionate. Let me know how it goes.

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