What Was I Trying To Prove?

All my life I have just been aspiring to be anyone but 'just like my mother'. I could hear her sisters whisper how I would turn out to be like her, a single mother living with her parents. She was never much of a mother. She left for another state when me and my brother were young. Even when she did come back to stay our relationship with her isnt exactly the normal mother-child thing. Highschool was the biggest test. I was in relationships, but never for long because I didnt want to end up with children at 18 like her. And then college..... I only wanted to go because she didnt (though later I found out she went to the community college but didnt graduate) Now I am struggling with the major I am in. Do I even like it? I dont know. I never wanted to do this, this is taking so long... All this time trying not to be her that I dont know who I am anymore. Do I still love the same things, am I still aspiring to write a book, or study the stars? I am so lost, in an alley between the road I was on and where I want to be... or do I even want that.
How do you find your way back when it seems like I have been lost for a while. I am so detatched and distrustful to others. I was trying to prove them wrong,.. but with the way everything is going turns out they were right all along.... Now I sit here in fear of never accomplishing anything.
ashlygomez ashlygomez
22-25, F
1 Response May 24, 2012

Keep going- you're getting somewhere!<br />
<br />
It is the fate you try to avoid that becomes your destiny. <br />
Why? <br />
Because that is your point of focus. Stare at a point ahead of you and start walking, chances are you will walk towards the spot you are focusing on. <br />
Who are you?<br />
You are smart, strong and reflective. Focus on who you are and what you want to be will come. Push through the struggle- this will make you even greater. Forgive your Mother- she has hurt you and there is nothing to rationalize out of that. Forgive her for yourself- so you can free yourself from the fear you describe.<br />
<br />
Most importantly, love yourself. Love yourself enough to not give up on things that are good for you (like school!!) love yourself enough to pit yourself first, to do things that are right for.<br />
<br />
Redirect your focus, and your feet will take you there : )