LifeThis is LIFE the thing my Grandma warned me about. Man I am so out of touch with reality thinking i could ever really be happy. I'm living with my ex who I don't have feelings for but I don't like to see happy because I'm not. How messed up is that. I don't like having these feelings. I'm so confused, lonely, scared. I don't know where I'm going or how I'm gonna get there. All I can hear is my Grandmotherr telling me 'I told you so'. Its as if she predicted my whole future. I have no family no friends and I'm about to have no where to live. My only other option or should I say LAST RESORT is Job Corp. i want to go but I'm not sure Ill get the proper training to actually get a job and my own place. Man, I wonder if I'm the only person who has completely screwed up their life to the point of no return. I've had more jobs than most people in a life time , and I'm only 24. I pray and read the bible everyday to help with my negative thoughts and try not to lose faith. But its hard to lose something you never had. I feel stuck and the more I plan or plan to move i get sucked in more. Its 2 in the am right now. I cant sleep, up listening to the laughter of my ex on the phone with yet another dude. Am I jealous because she moved on so quickly or because I'm the one left alone again. My Grandma once told me when I was little, i never smiled, i always had a sad look on my face as if I knew how things were going to turn out. I still don't smile. I cant stand when people tell me to smile at least your alive. I'm not suicidal but living isn't exactly what I want to do. Waking up just feels like a chore, a repeated task even though I give thanks to Him for waking me up to see another day. Some times I feel like bursting into to tears. But i hate to cry it makes me aware of my unhappinesss of reality. Sometimes its necessary to let go or to vent. The pain still remains but it hurts less. I wish I knew all the other lost souls of the world. The homeless people, the people in situations like mine, the socially banished and unwanted. Maybe we could find each other and become less loss find a home among each other. But who am i kidding this is Life.
Alilbitofboth 22-25, F 0 Jun 13, 2012