Looking Back...

I think i finally realize how i react to pain: I cover it up.like it never happened.I move on, I forget about it.but when I look back, it's still there.. It never really goes away. And I go on with life too quickly.. I don't mourn my losses.. I don't shed my tears.. I don't Cry... And maybe, Hopefully, if I regain that 'Feeling' than maybe I can Finally regain myself.. But how do you regain what was stolen from you? My whole life, I've been... Lost, and on top of that, abused.. And the worst part is that I've felt self-hatred for feeling lost in the first place.. It's like as if I was built on this "Strength" to last me through my childhood. So I could make it.. But only for my childhood..No one told me I didn't deserve abuse.. No one told me it was okay to cry.. And now that I think about it, with tears in my eyes, I may have lost myself in those moments, I HAD to grow up. I HAD to be strong, and stay strong... But now, I think I should just try to find myself even if I'm in darkness... Because if I can find myself, I don't have to force myself to be strong. Because I'll already be strong in knowing who I am.
turtle42 turtle42
18-21, F
1 Response Jun 14, 2012

Been there, done that. <br />
Fight through to the safety, cry when you get to the safe spot. Do not let emotions get the best of you - WHEN YOU ARE STILL IN DANGER. <br />
But learn to figure out when you are safe. This is the problem. Many folks, with your problem - our problem - do not understand how to recognize safty, do not know when it is safe to put down the burden and cry...and all too often, we "run out of endurance, before we run out of emergency".<br />
Rest when you can, fight when you must. - and learn to recognize when it is safe to rest, to vent, to cry, to release those emotions...or they will eat you alive. BELIEVE me, I know that. You can go years, decades, with that stuff bottled up....but it has to be released, if only in the solitary darkness, or in writing, or poetry or art, or song...but it must be released.<br />
Good luck, fellow warrior.