The Delimma

I spent my whole life screwing people over, inward thinking and deceiving women... Now I don't know if this is related but I had a concussion a couple of years back and it changed my life, the way I think, my actions, my view about the world, and even my religious beliefs. I'm not sure if the concussion was just lined up with something dormant inside me that was on the cusp of surfacing but that's the moment my whole life changed, for the better I should add. But here's the problem, in my past life, pre concussion, I built up a life that I can't seem to escape. I was selling drugs and going about life with an I dont give a eff attitude, I took from everyone I could and gave nothing back, I was an opportunist*, now that I look back I don't think I've ever known a person that was with out compassion more than I was. And the women... my sarrow could feel an ocean. I'm glad that part of me is gone but the scars of my past are always haunting me, everyone I've known my whole life has known me too be Jason the heartless bastard that for some reason everyone liked. But that's not me, no one even knows me anymore they know the shell of who I use to be, and who I use to be is who I need to be almost to survive. I don't know if you who's reading this has ever been blessed with ignorance but it is sweet to the taste, its a lot easier to make it through life not caring who u hurt along the way, not looking back or thinking ahead the "well as long as I get mine" mindframe has its comforts. Here's my delimma, I can't help but to feel as if all the pain and regret I feel about my past would be easier to deal with, life would be easier if I could just be the old me again, so I've been drinking a lot, alcohol takes me back too the bad guy, I often tell people that If there are heros out there I'd no doubt be the villain, I've been keeping this up for a couple of years now and I doubt know how long I can keep up the shield. I'm at a critical point in my life now and I don't know where I'll be in my near future but I can tell u this, when you think you got it all figured out, dig deeper, dig till your shovel breakes then use your hands... my eyes are open...
Legohome Legohome
22-25, M
Sep 9, 2012