Not Depressed. Not Happy. Just Lonely And Empty

I am not alone.

I have friends who care about me.

Friends who are leaving me.

Becca is going off to UCF; I barely talk to her anymore it feel like it. The only times we've spoken in the last month have been due to an argument, in the middle of an argument and one pleasant conversation that I had to cut short. I love her but I am in constant fear of hurting her.....besides I feel like within a year time she'll be back in Reno with her grandmother. She'll be happy there....I know she will. She moved from California to Florida to be with me and start over. She dropped everything for me and I feel guilty over everything I have done or not done for her. She's my responsibility and I am failing her.

Katie is moving to TN soon enough. It's not that bad. Katie and I have known each other since 7th grade. We lost track of each other before. Back when she went nuts in 9th grade I cut off ties with her. It was only when I heard she was pregnant that I picked up the phone again and called her. Times when life just got ahead of us and we didn't speak for a while. But then last summer happened, and we went to school with each other and we were closer than ever once again. I have known she was going to leave within the next two years for over 3 years now. So maybe that's why it doesn't hurt me that much.
We've gone through separation before so it doesn't hurt as much I suppose. But with her goes my nephew Damien and her fiance Dylan whom is like an older brother to me. I am going to miss them. It's easier being separated from someone who you know if you called you can be at their front door within the hour. I can't do that when they live in TN. But I am okay. I can look you in the eye and say I will be okay when she does leave.

Or perhaps it's just do to the fact it hasn't happened yet.

Andrea and I are very interesting. At our core we are pretty much clones of each other but we disagree on small things and that's what keeps it interesting. She's my friend on the outside. The one who doesn't know all my other friends and can keep a level head for me. I love her to death but we don't talk much anymore. I am her only friend and the only person she has is Taylor who is the reason for the wedge in our relationship. I'm not jealous, I am happy she is happy. I am happy she is moving to Orlando with him and later on to Las Vegas after he graduates.

I am happy she's happy, I swear I am.

Next is Chris who will probably get the shortest paragraph of all. Sorry Chris, I just haven't known you as long as everyone else. Chris is staying right here. He's not moving, or leaving me behind. The boy loves me...but I don't love him. I can't give him my heart and it sucks. Because he is nice and sweet and I should already be falling head over heels for him based on how sweetly he's treated me in the past two months. But I'm not. My heart is friend-zoning him and it's just not right to lead him on anymore. I am sorry Chris. I am so very sorry.

Last but not least is Beka. Oh lordy where do I start with this one? I never saw this one coming. I never could have predicted last year around this time that I would ever become like sisters with this girl. When the term ended last year I just thought we would be pretty good friends and now I am crying because she's leaving me behind. She needs to go back home with her family. She will visit. She won't go without saying hi to Lee and Eric and maybe even little old me. But it won't be the same. With her gone Stetson will be lonely for me. I don't form loyalties to places, I form them with people. And besides her, there's no really strong loyalty I have for anyone in Stetson minus Mrs. Rhonda of course. It's going to be weird not living with her to be honest. I have grown used to the weird bromance between Ali, Chris and Danny. I have grown used to coming home and having Cookie either attack me at the door, or bark at me to let him free. I have grown used to late night talks and just you being there.

But I guess it wasn't all paradise this semester was it? The fights with you and Becca early on. Crying to Ali on labor day about the dream I had. The increase in rent when Becca left us. Everything that happened on that fateful Halloween. Vevre drama and fear and I guess I am caught up to date aren't I? Why is it that in a small period of pure madness all I can remember is the happiness?

Karoke night at the coffee shop where you and Becca rocked it. Before school started and we all had a big steak meal at Katie's place. Rolling around the sand and looking at the full moon in the quary. Making chocolate syrup and putting it onto of all the vanilla ice cream we got. Moving in with a friend I didn't know that well and leaving with a girl who's my sister and I know inside and out?

So what now?

To be honest I don't know. But I don't feel like Stetson is the place for me anymore. It's becoming too expensive, I am not getting paid correctly, tuition is going up and the place just isn't good for me. I mean I know everyone there but at the same time I can't walk around without feeling depressed. I can't seem to separate anything for anything else at this point. I can't be the Stetson Vevre leader, Beka needs me to be after she leaves. I am not strong enough to be it. I am scared and I can't even get anyone to sign up with me. It's nuts and it hurts and why does it hurt?

Everything hurts but nothing does at the same time. I have been trying not to let Beka see me cry yesterday but every time her mom called, I just reminded myself she's leaving and my face started leaking.

Why?

On labor day I had a dream. I told Ali what I thought I saw that night. I saw myself in the empty room that was once upon a time Beka's and I was crying my eyes out. Beka was trying to comfort me saying how it wasn't my fault, how I am a good friend but that she just needed to leave. How she was moving out because it just wasn't good for her to live here anymore with all the stress and anxiety and everything with Becca. I was wearing a long sleeve shirt and that's why I assumed at the time it meant that Beka originally tried to love Becca for a few months and when that failed it burned.

But now that's no longer the case is it?

Because honestly I have been having the same dream for the past few days and I know that while I was kinda right, I was wrong in so many ways. Because I don't see how that break down isn't more than a few days away with how my face has been leaking the whole time while writing this. I mean last night I apparently added more to my white board while crying my eyes out.
Lonely
Alone
Labor day....you promised me I wouldn't be alone Ali
LIAR
WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE ME WHY

I am not the best.

I will never be the best in some things.

But I care about people who I love and love me in return, it's why I know what my greatest fear is. My greatest fear that I can think of is the thought that one day all my friends will realize my flaws and leave. Being alone and having only myself to blame. You can argue that I'll never be alone because I'll have Danny and Bianca and Anthony and Yuki and so on and so forth.

But it's not the same.

It will NEVER be the same.

I'm not depressed. I am not happy I'm not sad or angry or anything really. I am just empty. I'm not sure if that's a bad thing. If Brenna and Renee cannot move in then I will have to move back home. I don't want to but what else can I do? The only problem is that there's no room for me there, not a single bed due to my brother moving back in. There's no place for me anywhere it seems. I wish this bad stuff didn't happen. I really wish it didn't. But I made some new friends I guess.

I just don't want to be alone.

I am not alone.

I have friends who care about me.

Friends who are leaving me.

But I am not alone.

So why does it feel like I am alone?
JeTaimeMaCherie18 JeTaimeMaCherie18
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 4, 2012

It's a long story ~~Maybe when you are on the way pursuing your dreams, you will then feel pretty good, not that empty any more. Just have a try, set a goal, and go after it.