The Neverending Story

Consume. That's the word that comes to mind when I think of how lost and stress ridden my life has become. It's like I put myself in this tunnel of fear and I cannot escape. I am almost crippled by the stress and sadness that I view my life as.

I never knew what it was like to feel lost. I thought people "were just going through a bad time."
You can never fully understand someone's situation unless you have been there yourself.
I've been here, in this maze of confusion for over 2 years now. It seems that progression and change is something that is completely unattainable.

Whenever you think you're on the right path; you get knocked down on your *** and your head starts spinning and your eyes blur everything in sight.
I dropped out of college due to the inability to decide on my major. It's almost like I haven't found my passion in life yet. I do have passions and ambition, but how is a person supposed to choose one thing to do for the rest of their lives? I felt confused, alone, and like a complete outcast every single day of my 3 year college experience. Is this life? Have I lost myself to the point where I'm a whitewashed skeleton with nothing to hold onto?

It's like the saying..."Same sh*t, different day." I really hate that, but it's a great summary of the emotions running through me. This cannot be it...there must be more, but I don't even know where to find it.

Running in the same position, never really going anywhere. There must be a reason for all this. Many successful and happy people had to go through cycles of complete chaos, loss, and confusion to become where they are(or were)?
BrokenFlowers BrokenFlowers
22-25, F
4 Responses Dec 7, 2012

I feel like that all the time. I've been this way ever since I became an "Adult" I just want to scream out what do you want from me!?

Oh, the adult life. I miss being a child; so care-free. I remember thinking as a child how "the adults really have their sh*t together." It's like, Will I ever be good enough for anyone's expectations...or even my own? Maybe one day we'll just wake up and think, "So, this is it."
It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way..

I can understand where you're at both in the what should I major in and the depression you feel. My story of my "career" choice. I too, when in college, couldn't decide on a major, I just knew i wanted to help people and I chose a simple major that involved people but it was very broad. I have never "used" that major specifically but it's helped me in numerous jobs. And then when I turned 35 I remembered a "dream" I had to become an aerobics instructor. I had this when I was 16 and I forgot about it when I went to college and it lay dormant for nearly 20 years until it was reawakened. That was 10 years ago and I followed that dream and within 2 years I was teaching group exercise classes and became a personal trainer. I am passionate about what I do and I love doing it. So you don't have to decide when you're 20, in fact I wish there wasn't so much pressure then do decide. I think college should be more about exploring different ideas until you find the one you like, you never know what may come up! Good luck!

You are, in spite of your trouble, a beautiful and passionate author. Your words paint pictures in the mind. You definitely have a gift for writing. Is that something you can explore as far as a career? No one really decides to do "one thing for the rest of their lives". It sometimes works out that way, though. I have had many different paths in my almost 50 years of life, and have never had a "9 to 5" job. I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself... who said you have to decide your life path anyhow? Whenever I hit a time in my life (and yes, I have had many) where things begin to feel useless and/or hopeless, I try to focus my life and energy OUTWARDS instead of looking inwards. I have personally found volunteering, whether it's at a soup kitchen, a school, a nursing home, or a community project like one I did collecting supplies to mail to troops overseas, really helps me put my own life issues in perspective. Even donating blood can make you feel more positive. You need a project to call your own. Start a blog, get a pet, help a neighbor by doing errands or shopping... you never know when someone you meet or something you do may start a whole new thought process, and suddenly you will get new ideas on how you would like to live your life! Remember you can be and/or do many different things in life, and keeping busy will definitely take the pressure off and help with the boredom of everyday life.

Thank you for your kind and constructive words. The building blocks of life do not appear all at once for us to begin creating our masterpiece. A reminder that I need put into perspective for me, from time to time.. ;)
I like how you focus your energy outwards instead of inwards. I sit day after day wracking my weather-beaten brain on how I can change myself and situation, but perhaps I am going about it the wrong way. Starting a blog and volunteering are both two things I am greatly interested in.
You words ring true. You never know when you may discover a hidden secret about oneself that will have the ability to change one's life!

I understand how you feel. I'm going through the same feeling. We have to find something that we want but we don't know what is it !