I Really Feel Like I Let Myself Down

I don't know what happened to me or my life but I pretty much feel like I turned out to be a huge loser. I was one of the smartest kids in school, the most talented, the most athletic, good looking, popular and for the most part happy even though I grew up in a chaotic, dysfunctional, abusive family....I held it together, and I thought I was going to have a really great future. I went to a top university and graduated with honors. Couldn't find a high paying job though. I had a serious relationship that ended in a traumatic way around the same time that my life as I knew it came to an end and it took me years to get over it (still don't think I am) and tried to pick up the pieces and move on in a new chapter but I don't feel like I did a good job at it.  A lot of people go through trials and tribulations but they grieve and then move on.  I was never good at the moving on part.. I eventually got a job as a teacher and loved it at first...gave me some purpose...but then I got burned out and started to not like it at all. Lost my passion and desire and became apathetic which does not make for a good teacher, so I left. I worked in customer service but didn't do well in that either as most people annoyed me. In the meantime I had another relationship that didn't work...I ended that one because he never had a chance...I was never over my first love. So I spent the next 10 years alone because I was afraid to get involved in yet another relationship that would fail. During that time I fell into a deep depression (for the second or third time as these spells come and go). I let myself go...gained a bunch of weight, withdrew from all of my friends, made excuses not to go out, withdrew from family, argued with everyone, am generally angry and sad on a daily basis, lost my interest in everything including travel which was the one passion I held onto that made me feel alive (but also costs money that I don't have and have no desire to continue to travel alone as I had done before) and I constantly compare my life to that of all of my friends who are continuing to evolve upwards in their marriages/family, careers and life. They seem wiser and their life is getting better as the years pass, as it should when you "grow up" but I feel stuck and in a place that I never thought I would be, financially as well.  I grew up in an upper middle class home and now I am just above the poverty line.   I don't like myself, I don't like where my life is. I don't have a stable job, my boyfriend has been unemployed and can't find a new job, and I think back to how I thought it was all going to turn out so differently than it did.  I don't get it but sometimes I feel like maybe it's because I don't deserve any of it.   I thought I would be married with kids by now. I'm too old to have kids now. I thought I would have a successful strong career. I don't. I don't even feel smart anymore. I feel ugly, worthless, embarrassed and basically like a let down, a loser. I am afraid to run into old classmates who will prob think the same thing about me that I think about me. My current boyfriend who I met after 10 years of being alone is good to me but I resent him because he has his own issues, some of which hold me back (even though I really can't blame him for this since I chose to be with him) but he is a good person and I don't want to be alone again for 10 years, but also don't know what our future holds. I  just really am nowhere that I thought I would be when I envisioned my life as a kid. Of course people will say, do something about it, change it, but when you are in this deep dark black hole for as long as I have been, I can barely bring myself to shower and brush my teeth let alone change my life. I am drowning and suffering in silence because I have no insurance or money for meds that might help and don't even have a desire to do anything that might help, even though I know I need it. I am kind of over this game called life because I really don't see any purpose for me. It's like I feel like I have been waiting at the bus station for that bus to come along and take me away, and it's not coming. I don't even have kids to live for which might at least give me some sense of purpose outside of myself, so I am just living for me every day and that's not much.
lonely2death lonely2death
36-40, F
1 Response Dec 13, 2012

I can understand where you are coming from and I truly wish that something wonderful would happen in your life to bring you back to what you used to love about yourself. I'm in a similar situation as you, and I don't know if it's just the time in our lives to really reflect on what we've done, but whatever it is, it certainly doesn't do us any favors. The truth is, you have accomplished things well - a top university graduate who got honors? Not everyone can do that. You haven't lost any potential, it's all still there, it can just become hard to see behind all of the bad circumstances. I totally understand your dissatisfaction, your embarrassment, I feel the same way every time a high-school acquaintance sees me at my current job. I guess the only thing to do is take small steps towards changing what we don't like anymore. I've started working out in the morning, just a little bit, but it was more than I was doing before. Maybe little steps can help us? I certainly hope that things look up for you, you have the education and job experience and life experience to really do anything you wish!