I Don't Understand What's Going On With Me...

for so long i've been telling people that i think, no, that i know something is wrong with me, but they laugh and shrug it off. they tell me that i'm just not fighting hard enough or that i shouldn't let the devil cloud my mind with depressing thoughts, but they don't know what its like for me. they don't know that i have such high hopes and aspirations yet it seems like i'll never reach them because i feel so hopeless about life itself. they don't know that i still try to be a good sport every Sabbath at church so no one will say anything to me, but even then they still can tell. they don't know that i sometimes have these thoughts of killing myself, but i never go through with them because i'm too scared to die. they don't know how desperately i want to be happy and have a decent day without the severe mood changes that i deal with. they don't know that i don't want think the thoughts that i think, that i just want to be normal for just one freaking day, just one freaking day of being normal, that's all i want. they don't know that try to please them all so they won't have anything to say to me, but i still come up short in their eyes, desperately seeking their approval. they don't know what its like to feel like i'm losing my mind every single freaking minute of the day, every day of the month, every month of the year. no i don't think they nor do i think they truly care
CloudedHope CloudedHope
4 Responses Dec 14, 2012

I can kind of understand what your groing through, i've been a Sabbath keeper almost all my life, and latley i've been very depressed. I am not sure exactly what i'm feeling yet, but I do know i'm trying to move closer to God and sometimes things go really well and sometimes I dont even want to get out of bed. Thank you for your story.

you're welcome. As I was at church today, my pastor taught a powerful sermon about praying without ceasing. I believe that prayer does indeed work & I think that if we all prayed just a little harder then we will feel the depression lift from us...

I appreciate both of your comments very much. I just feel like the devil has been attacking me because I'm making the choice to follow God and even though I fall sometimes, I know God is there for me. I just feel like I'm in an emotional tsunami of sorts, but I know tomorrow's going to be better...

First off, my heart aches for the place you are in right now. I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. I would like to suggest two things right off the bat - get a full medical check up to tackle any physical issue that may be there, secondly talk to a good counselor. Dont let this overcome you. What you need to do for yourself is to understand that deep down, you are sensing that something is amiss with how you are living your life and this feeling becomes more intense as time goes on without it being addressed. Parents can fall victim to trying to over-engineer their kids and that ends up smothering the young adult. The hardest thing for a parent to deal with is seeing their children toying with things or beliefs which they dont recognise can do them great harm. The parents instinct is to protect, but at a certain point a child becomes an adult and must be given the opportunity to put their hand in the fire if they want. The parents job becomes helping them recover from the fall. This is how people grow. If you take this away from a person, you rob them of what it means to be alive. If you are playing at looking good at church on Sundays, stop going. I say this although I am a firmly rooted Christian. I dont force my boys to go to church, but I do talk to them about my views on the way to live and how to set up a good future for themselves. You are on this earth to explore the life that God has given you to live. That life may not look like your Moms or Dads, and they need to come to understand that. When you start exploring who you truly are, you will find that life will become more rewarding and interesting. The very best lives exist within a moral and just framework, and you must always seek to improve your understanding of what that looks like. I advise my boys - mid teens - when they seek advice and I will do my best to dissuade them from doing things which will harm them, but I understand that I cant save them from themselves. Even God cant do that. I am their guide and their counselor, their confidante not their jailer. I talk to them about evil and how it came to be, and I show them how much more powerful love is.

You cannot live your life to please others, you need to start living for you now.

I hope this has helped, and that you will see the clouds start to break up ahead of you.


I know how you feel. My parents don't approve with me anymore, they don't like the things I like want or wish to have. I have been going to counciling because my parents think I'm crazy or I'm going through a stage of my life but this is me and I will stay this way. I'm going to serve my country and bear arms. You need to try counciling I've tried to kill myself but didn't in the end because i was scared as well. Also try to get away think about it try to talk to a good friend have get or him help you. All I'm saying death/suicie is the most selfish thing ou can do and to try to hang in there things will turn up in the end. Life is supposed to be full I challenges not easy to just walk right on through your life with everything handed to you. Hope this helped a little.