Running Uphill, Getting Nowhere

I am thirty-five this year. In my life I have been a kennel technician, gotten my Bachelors in Art, become a call-center associate, gotten my License in Practical Nursing, been a Mandarin translator in the military, and just finished my Masters Degree in Library and Information Science. I currently work as a manager in retail, which I hate with a passion and wish I could quit. I have had three serious boyfriends in my life, been engaged one time (he cheated on my two weeks after I said "yes", and it took me a year to even get to "yes"), one friend remaining from childhood and no others, and I have no children. I wake up every day at five in the morning and go to bed at ten in the evening, I could be living the same day over and over again for all I know. I have accomplished absolutely nothing over the course of my life, because even my Masters Degree doesn't seem like it was anything special. I want to start an organic farm on my land, but I'm terrified that it will turn out like everything else in my life and be just something I did for awhile, and there I'll be with a half-baked farm and the bills piling up and me not even caring because it just doesn't feel real to me. I've considered suicide, but not until my mother has passed, because it would make her feel really bad and I don't want that. All of the things I used to like doing - writing stories, drawing pictures, being outside - I don't have any energy to do or just have no inspiration to do. I just don't know, the time passed so quickly and I'm still not sure what I want, if anything. It isn't a great story, it isn't even an interesting one, but it's mine I guess. At any rate, I can't get rid of it.
purefoysgirl purefoysgirl
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Wow that’s impressive, I feel the same way sometimes, on paper I've done a lot yet I sit here feeling unfulfilled. Afraid to start something not wanting to take on debt and get stuck. I’m not super happy in my job or even real happy but it’s comfortable. I’m skilled, but I always worried about a job, yet I’ve been employed my entire life (or since 16) I think I’ve always settled in my relationship. So what to do and how. I’ve started setting aside some time and planning financially and just basically cleaning up my life, getting rid of things I don’t need, I have a good resume ready to send, getting healthy so when the opportunity appears I can take it. I’m also trying to envision the life I think I want and trying to make that happen small bits at a time. Date more, but not looking for the ultimate match, inviting friends over more often. Maybe I’m impatient and just wanting the perfect life now and I haven’t been willing to put in the work to make it happen. Anyway I feel the same as you and I’m trying to figure out how to make it happen. Good luck