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I Just Dont Know

My life is an endless search for answers to questions that can never be understood nor solved. Since childhood I've always been too full of thoughts for my own good. I graduated high school when I was 16. I couldn't wait to grow up and be independent. I moved out at 16 and have been on my own with a house, car, and steady job ever since. Relationships come and go. Time passes. But through it all I feel I have not experienced any of it. So lost in my own mind the moments in time are flying by without my knowledge or intervention. Simply event after event that I calmly observe from the eyes of a soulless ponderer. Death takes up about 90% of my thoughts with the remaining 10% fully engaged in an empathic hamster wheel of emotion for those I never will know. Being such an empath I worry all the time, but never about myself. All I want is to be free of this mental anguish. To drift back into my body and take charge of my life for the first time. No more autopilot. No longer will I be a robot.
speakerofthedead speakerofthedead 18-21 3 Responses Jan 21, 2013

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May I humblly suggest consider becoming a writer. You have a great grasp of the language. Also you seem highly observant. Perhaps consider a daily journal of all you see and feel. Peace Raven G. DWTWBHN

You must not really be interested in Sports, I like sports cause I am good at them. But I am also good at other things.

Beautifully written. Can't believe you're so young. I'm 61. You touched what I feel.

I'm no longer actively suicidal, but "not being here" feels like a relief. Don't care if I'm gone.

Don't really care what people's "stories" are. If you're here, you're here.

I also worry all the time. I grind on many things that I can do nothing to fix. Example: the "right to life movement." I worry about the difference of protecting all life versus what these uncared for unguided children will become with no core values to turn the country over to.

Grind, grind, grind.

This feeling seems to be one of those things that no one who hasn't experienced IT can "logic" their way to understanding. I try so hard to act normal to keep people I love ok, that I, in turn, am amazed and hurt that they can't see that I'm about to cry...all the time.

Hope you're still there.

Were you ever ok?