Today I'm not anyone. I'm not a son, I'm not a brother, nor a friend. I'm contained within the blur of an old photograph clinging to the top of a pile of far more interesting pictures than who I am right now. I don't know who I am today. I remember who I was, and I know it's not who I want to be. I can't recall the best memories through five years ago, but I remember the worst feelings I've been, blessed with, since I was little. I'm fighting myself every waking hour. Every moment that comes to me is filled with negativity by my own hand, and once I realize it I'm hours away from it. I've turned into an angry and sardonic person who would rather lean in than roll with the punches. It's been like this for so long that no one in my family, or any of my friends want to help me with this anymore. I don't know what to do for myself, I don't know how to find myself, I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of this month in this state of mind. I just want to wake up as someone else tomorrow, I don't want to be a part of this cyclic agony for another breath, let alone the rest of this week. If you're reading this, please don't ever take yourself for granted. All of the little things that are a part of you are what holds you together and makes you unique, no matter what anyone tells you.
PoorandAging PoorandAging
26-30, M
2 Responses Feb 5, 2013

hi son what i am seeing is a cemical inbalance in the brain you need too see a doc before you fall off the deep end it will help i take a pill every day for it and it works for me

That is exactly how I feel. I've been depressed for awhile and now have social anxiety issues. I hate who I have become and don't know how to deal with it anymore. I don't know who I am or what I believe in anymore...

I know how you feel. It's hard to be comfortable around people when you feel like you don't know how you should act, and when you're depressed it's almost impossible to be yourself. I have problems going with the flow of things, I over think all the time, and when I'm even just sitting with my friends I often find myself not saying something or doing something because I find some reason it could be taken the wrong way, or I convince myself that they're spending time with me out of pity, or other things. So for a while I've just been sitting quietly, and forcing out laughter because I don't know what I should say. I know how hard it is, and I feel it's important that people like us understand that we aren't alone in what we're feeling.

One of the things I've found helpful though is something I had forgotten from early childhood. You always hear that "you shouldn't care about what other people think of you," which while true to a degree is like most things, easier said than done. But the fact is, you have zero control over how people perceive you. It kinda sucks, but it's liberating in a way. In most situations, how people feel about the way you present yourself and act is less of your responsibility, and lies more on their shoulders. So when someone says you shouldn't care about what people think of you, they shouldn't forget the part about how you have little control over it. For example, I worked in a restaurant for a few months during one of the heaviest pieces of my depression. I didn't feel like socializing much, let alone making small talk, so I was usually quiet and polite. Some people responded well to this, some were indifferent. But after I had stopped working there, I found out that some of the people I worked with (including my manager) thought I was just an *******, who thought he was too good to talk to anyone. It sucked, and it made me feel bad, but I realized that it was out of my control. I was, but I wasn't responsible for their perception of my personality, ya know?

I've read some useful things about dealing with anxiety too. I read this article a few weeks ago, and while my social anxiety still persists, it's severity has been cut in half. I hope this is helpful for you:)


Thanks. Its just hard not having anyone who relates around. My friend always gets annoyed with my paranoia and claims I'm self absorbed. I used to not care but don't know how to get back to that point of my life. I feel like I am missing out on experiences and just plain life. I get embarrassed cause I get so nervous and act weird making me feel like people think I am on drugs which just makes things worst :/

Talk to your friend and explain to them that you're depressed, and its caused other issues in your life. I know it's not always easy to talk to someone about it, but it will make you feel better. Like I said, you're only in control of what you do, not what people think of it. And you're not alone, I'm here if you ever want to talk about something that's going on. I know how painful it is to feel alone when you're down

I am currently feeling like I'm depressed and that part about how you can't be yourself and its hard is what I'm going through. The tough part is just a few days ago I was myself at home and now it's like my depression overcame me and I don't even know how to act anymore with anybody and its so hard. I'm only 13 and I used to be happy and it's all just going downhill. I want to just wake up tomorrow happy I don't want to go through this anymore. I want change but I don't know how to find it :(

Have you talked to your parents about this yet?

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