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I Lost Myself Somewhere Along the Way

I Don'T Know Who I Am Anymore...

By: alexmac13
Written on February 14th, 2013
I have been battling bipolar disorder since I was a kid, I have had an abusive father and mother. I was used to getting beaten, used and hurt, and my parents were very good at that. At age 11 I began cutting myself just to stay sane and now I can't get away from it. I have tried so many times to turn my life around and look at myself like I'm better than dirt, but for some reason I keep letting these people back into my life that use me and spit me out. For the past year I was doing so well, I was in a long term relationship with someone I barely loved just because he helped me escape, I recently broke up with him and now I'm going back to my old life of sleeping around. I haven't thought much of it until I realized I'm starting to become an alcoholic and a stoner to self medicate myself, I literally don't get any sleep and go to school in the morning drunk most of the time. I recently slept with my boss when I was high and drunk last weekend and I thought he was going to be the perfect guy for me when we started flirting, until last night he told me that I am just a kid. Take in mind he is only a few years older, so that really hit me hard. I drank so much that I was hoping I'd kill myself,and I cut my wrists for the first time in a year. I'm hoping I die soon so I don't have have these feelings anymore...if only I had a friend or someone. I don't have friends..I don't have a boyfriend..I don't have anything anymore, and I don't know how long I can keep myself a live like this.

Thanks for reading,
By: alexmac13
Age: 18-21 , Female
134 people have read this story

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4 responses
  • followthewhiterabbit
    followthewhiterabbit

    I know life seems hopeless now but you HAVE to keep going but you also have to try and deal with all the stuff that happened and that is happening, otherwise it'll always haunt you. Reading your story I thought I'd wrote it because our stories are so similar but you're still young and you can still scoop it out the bag, make something of your life, it's not too late. Get around people who will watch you like a hawk, who you feel comfortable with and whom keep you away from drink and guys etc. -- for a while it's gonna suck, just trying to stop your self from self destructing, you're gonna need alot of self control, if you need to talk to anyone feel free to message me. I hope things work out for you :)

    Feb 15
    2 likes
  • Presley30
    Presley30

    Hi. I'm so sorry you are battling with this. I've battled anxiety for a lifetime. And cutting in my teens and early twenties. Trust me I know how you are feelings, cause my anxiety is so bad that its ruined my life and I'm terrified I will lose my fiancé. I stay awake for hours from anxiety, and times i dont know from what, Who knows I battle this but doesn't know how bad. I have tried everything I'm so desperate for answers and cures. But honestly talking about it to someone who can relate helps a lot. I'll be following this post If you need to talk or vent. Kindly

    Feb 14
    1 like
    • alexmac13
      alexmac13

      Thanks for sharing...I know the feeling about being so scared to lose the people you love because of the things I do. It's hard to explain to them that it isn't their fault and it leaves me in tears...I find it so hard to keep people close because I'm scared that they will judge me. I really do hope that you and your fiancé do well with the problems you are having, and I know what you mean about talking about it..I think talking about it is the only thing that has kept me sane for this long! Thanks again!

      Feb 17
      1 like
    • Presley30
      Presley30

      Thank you for your well wishes, I take it day by day, and I've been trying to meditate in the morning and night and it helps! Have you tried seeking professional help? I've been able to find aid in mental help until my insurance kicks in, there are resources in case you do not want to share with your parents. I didn't share my anxiety with my parents, until recently because I broke down. I HIGHLY suggest at least one parent or close family member you feel most comfortable with and try and talk to them. Do you have someone in your family that you can go to? I will keep you in my prayers :) keep me posted.

      Feb 18
      1 like