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Similar Experience

I had an experience similar to Jackie's when I decided to live abroad in Madrid for the semester (I live and go to school in the U.S.).  At first, some things were bothering me, making me feel unstable, but I was still telling myself that I was strong, I could do this.  I didn't come here not to.  A couple of months in, I hit a sort of tipping point.  I feel as though I made a (conscious, sub-conscious, idk) decision to let things get worse.  I stopped functioning.  Couldn't think anymore.  Was horribly anxious/depressed; felt trapped in the hole I'd created.  I insisted on behaving like a jackass, for whatever reason.  I started throwing up and that was when I at least partially faced up to things and went to the doctor.  To conclude, I basically gave up on myself, scared the crap out of my family, friends, the woman I was staying w/, made people take care of me, embarrassed the **** out of myself and threw away something that I had every ability to make a great part of my life.  I'm horrified that I could leave with such a good attitude and come back with such a terrible one.  But I guess what I'm saying is, thoughts control everything.  Truly believing you can do it, digging way down deep and putting yourself inside your box when you feel like you're fading, etc.  And if you're (Jackie) having a lot of trouble doing that, I do suggest seeing a doctor.  Meds can at least stabilize your thoughts so that you can work through things more slowly and more easily.  Just a suggestion, though.  Try what you think will work for you.  I hope you're doing better!
maude maude 22-25, F 3 Responses Jun 19, 2007

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have tried everything above, nothing has helped. some people are meant to leave this earth

Brain chemistry is a tricky thing.<br />
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I find the pharmica route rarely works well. I have two sisters who use them and first 3 months OMG this is wonderful second 3 months not so good and after 6 months usually more ****** up than before.<br />
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Eating well, walking, doing some light exercise (dancing is my favorite, do it at home I do) and then looking at the levels of critical nutrient and especially minerals, usually can stop most of the serious depressions, bi-polar et al.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope you are doing better since you came back. Yes, I do feel same with you, and I feel like I am trap in a huge hole. I agree with you, that thought controls everything, even go negative or positive. My biggest struggle is how can I think positive and act myself on something positive. Now I am thinking of using counseling service, if that works. I hope I will do better. <br />
I hope you are doing good too!