Quality Gone

I've lost me, my quality of life, gone and missing. I seem to go and go and go and it's just the motions without emotion. I work all day and seem mostly invisible, I go to class and participate and laugh with a few friends but they don't really know me. They don't know that I'm struggling or crying in the car or on the verge of death each and every day... and I won't tell them. It's not their problem, it's mine.

It's funny but when I took on the PT weekend job they said they needed someone spunky and outgoing and I said but of course that's me... and it was at one point. I mean I am there... I talk to all the customers, help out, climb up and down ladders getting whatever it is they need and always with a smile. I find a way to relate to each and every person in that place and make them feel like they are the only person I will speak to that day.... and then I get back in my car and the tears just flow.

I don't know when it went wrong? When it was that I became a robot... but that's exactly what I am.

I see that little mouse in wheel going round and round and getting no where. *heavy sigh*

mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality
36-40, F
14 Responses Nov 18, 2008

When I started reading this I realized I could have wrote it. Although my tears don't flow so easy. I wish they did. So be grateful for that. And know you aren't alone.

God, how deeply I feel what your experiencing, you will be in my prayers<br />
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thanks darlin'... just being me<br />
gotta go to class on put on that happy face again<br />
happy<br />
happy<br />
joy<br />

IVFP you are ALWAYS on my mind chica! <br />
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HBY thank you and I may take you up on it... hiding out this weekend I think. Just need to think a bit... contemplate

Hugs MSP. If you want my number you can call me and we can cry together, girlfriend...

...thank you...

the answers will come. life's down times are what prepare us for the up times. it also takes these bad times so that we can help others behind us that will suffer the same.<br />
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We all find a way if we wait and beleive it will come. It ususally shows its self when we are not looking for it. <br />
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one of the things i did was to write in a three ring binder my thoughts. not like the stories we write here. but just take the pen in your hand and write what you are feeling. It doesn't have to make sense. write down questions has to why you feel this way and then give the answer. The answers are there inside of you. Just find a way to get them out. Once you do that you can find a way to discover what it is you need and make it happen.

I'll be sitting w/ him tonight... he is such a cutie! Always passes little notes to tell me he missed me. *giggles*<br />
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G4E ~ It's okay... it has to be right? Just another day of blah, another thought of leaving and wondering if, when it's gonna get better. I seem to push oh so well when it comes to this. I push those closest to me away and then when they finally tire of the fight and go I urn to have them back. <br />
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silly huh... sad, lonely mind of mine i guess *wipes another tear* Just wish I knew the answer... what is best? I don't know that I'll ever really know...

it sounds to me that you have an emptiness inside that you need to fill. Util you figure out what needs to be there to fill it you will just go through the motions of life.<br />
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Every person has to figure this out for themselves. It is the way we have bee created. I hope you find what you need. I wish I had an answer for you but this is one of those things in each of our lives that we and only we can find the answer to the question "what do I need to fill the emptiness inside".

I'm tryin' sweets, I am... and I'll be okay, just need to vent now and again before it eats my soul ya know. I have big plans for me darlin'... big plans. I'm gonna be some body, some day, some where just gotta get there first. <br />
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Now go enjoy life! I got up on Sunday, put the Wiggles on Youtube and me and the kids jumped and danced on my bed for about an hour. It's the little things that make the biggest memories and no ones gonna take those away from you! <br />
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luv ya sweets

Lol ain't it funny I try and say something to possibly help you but you help me! :)<br />
I guess the world works in mysterious ways...<br />
All I know is for fact, no matter what you got or where you've been you just gotta be happy...<br />
There are still things you can change .. perhaps a new job, I don't know.. something...?

Been there done that darlin'.... I did the homeless thing twice but now w/ three babies I have to make it work. There is no way I can stop even if it means no quality. Hopefully when school is finished I can get a job that allows us all to live but for right now it's the wheel... if it doesn't kill me first.<br />
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As for you... go fly darlin'. Live it up, enjoy, smile, be happy and dance, dance, dance. I started to soon, too seriously, did too many adult things way too young but for you there is a chance, hope, light at the end of that tunnel and I want you to go for it and LIVE!<br />
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Love and hugs doll... MSP

I'm sorry.. I have gone through this a few times in my life.. I am young, but I know that I don't want to live my life in the hamster wheel, as you put it...<br />
You just gotta stop and think.<br />
I know so many people who just work, live, respond to life because that is how it is "suppose" to be and the only way to survive, but it's not.<br />
You gotta do something that makes you happy and excited, no matter HOW far fetched or "crazy" it may seem.<br />
I don't want to work half the time, not because I am lazy but because money isn't the only thing that keeps the world revolving.. I want to live free of everything, just have fun and be able to look back and say I did everything I wanted to.. it's the way you gotta look at it.<br />
No one lives forever.<br />
Don't lose yourself trying to make yourself.<br />
Our lives are very short and when you reach the end, you don't wanna say, was it all worth it?<br />
Is it all worth it? Everything you are doing, because if it isn't you need a serious change of pace.. change of scenery. Hell, I would move decades away from my loved ones and family, my work, my "life" if I was feeling that way and needed change.. just go live... laugh and have fun, even if it means at the end of the day you;ll be sleeping in a cardboard box! Lol.. But I am serious... life is too short..

Me too, but found myself on the way home - and I'd changed!