Wow -- and One Day I Woke Up ...

It's amazing how you go along, day by day, and never realize that you do lose yourself.

I was married for 9 years.  I was 28 when we married. He was 38.

It started off pretty good.  I was in love with him - I thought he loved me.

Same story - got pregnant, etc.  My whole world changed after the first 5 years.

He started having serious mood swings, dependency on alcohol, etc, that  I didn't know about.  I knew he had drank - but he was supposed to not drink anymore.

He changed to a completely different man. He started distancing himself - we lived two totally separate lives.

I started changing to try and try to please him. 

I am to the place where I am not sure what I like anymore ... I truly lost myself.  

Part of my awakening happened when my mom told me that she didn't even know who I was anymore.  I stopped wearing makeup, doing my hair, etc. It was too hard to do - I just couldn't do it.

It took me leaving and a lot of therapy to realize that yeah - I lost myself. 

I am starting to come back. People keep telling me, 'get out and do something that YOU like to do!'. The problem is I don't know what that is anymore.

 

 

MizzBlue72 MizzBlue72
36-40, F
3 Responses Feb 22, 2009

Thank you Warrior Maom - The list idea really helps - I never thought of that. <br />
ACGreenknight - I am so glad you were able to find yourself too. I am trying. Most days are better. I had a pretty bad night last night. <br />
Pusherseven: How did I get here? I can honestly say that it was not over night. It was a gradual erosion each day, year after year. He would make a mean jab - I would smile, even though it hurt me, and let it go. 'keep the peace'. That s what I was trying to do. With me not addressing these little jabs, hurts, and emotional NEEDS, his attacks on me just grew and grew, until on day - I realized that I was racing home from work, to make sure my foot was in the door by 6pm since he would be waiting by the door with a plate of food. I knew If I did not stop and accept this offer right when I walked in the door - one hell of a fight would consume my night. [I now know it wasn't right - he was drinking and taking drugs -- I didn't know]. <br />
<br />
Did I give up? Yeah - I gave up, emotionally I withdrew and went inside myself. I stopped doing hair, makeup - would not get out of bed in morning. I tried to commit suicide - obviously this didn't work, but made my family understand something was wrong. It still took me six months to tell them. <br />
<br />
Did I let this happen? In a way - yes. BOTH partners in a relationship need to understand that it is two seperate lives that combine to make one beautiful combined marriage. Marriage should make you feel good, and add to your life - not take away your life. I have learned with a lot of therapy that a lot of people forget this concept. As a person - you start giving WAY too much power / decisions, etc. up to your mate. Not everyone does this - I happened to be one of the people that did do this. <br />
<br />
Do I blame him? Not as much as I blame myself for allowing it to get this bad. I resent him - every single action, and lack of action that he did or did not do. I was there emotionall, AND physically - he shut me out, and wouldn't touch me. No emotional intimacy - at all. So yeah - I blamed him and have a TON of resentment towards him.<br />
<br />
I am not an expert - but I beleive that communication is tantamount in ANY close relationship - you guys MUST talk to one another, and each of you need to set exactly what your emotional NEEDS are on the table. You say you need more affection - hugs, etc. just the closeness. She may say she needs you to cuddle with her more - let her know that you are here for her each day and not just in the bedroom .... this is how the conversation could go. <br />
<br />
Hope that helps a little ... there is a book out calld 'I don't have to lose myself to be loved by you'. Not sure who wrote it - but it's pretty good. It helped me (along with therapy) understand that I did give up my wants, desires, and emotional needs so I could please him.

How do you get there? How do you loose yourself? Do you give up? What is it in you that let's you do that? Do you think you let it happen? Did you blame him? Do you think maybe if you were to have caught it sooner, and worked on finding yourself, that you could have stayed and yet found yourself and then built on that? Can you do that and give to him too?<br />
I'm sorry to ask so so much, but I truly believe your experience with this is much like my wife. Only she is still here, so it's much like you years ago when you were in the marriage, but you had lost yourself. <br />
She is shut off to me. Not that she was ever really open, but there is nothing there now between us...WAIT, I mean there is no affection, touch, or what a guy would call love. It's all just day to day normal stuff and all if fine unless I bring up the fact that she shows no affection for me and I am done being the one with all the drive and desire in the relationship. In fact I told her I don't love her anymore because she shows me no affection and hasn't in years.<br />
So I'm curious as to your insight and experiences and possible advise since you were on the other side.

I went through the same process trying to rediscover myself. I was told to make a list of what I like also. Just like you, I didn't know. My 1st was the sun. I tried and tried to search my soul and I still didn't know because of the "I don't know who I am." Something that started to help in the qwest was to think about what I liked as a child. Then it was a matter of trying different things. I started on my list and found that it was ever changing, it all depend on many things in my life. Mz, I know you can do this. Look at all the great strides you've already accomplished.