Long Trip So Far

 Too many years ago, I almost remember the way things were. I was, what has been described  to me, a pixie. Relatively small, I was into everything. I was interested in everything, I read everything, I looked at everything, listened to all kinds of music. I tripped along quite untouched by most things around me.

Innocent, naive, I had little reason not to trust people. Figured most were relatively nice.

I remember vaguely gong with our church, on a couple of busses, to the city, and this huge, huge crowd, of people. I found out later it was the Mall in DC, and we had gone in solidarity with our sister church up the road. I didn't understand everything then. I knew that we went to one church, and they went to the other, but we had some services together.  It just was...

A few years later I did understand. We were the white Methodist Church and they were the black methodist church. Nothing mean about it...it just was.

Later that changed again as the two congregations merged.

I had sitters that took me to see the Beatles in Washington, DC, and another set who took me to see the Stones in Baltimore (that was a multi-ticket). I didn't understand the significance then. But, lol...I have never missed a North American tour by the Stones since 1965.

I had sitters who were black, and took me to some of their restaurants. I remember Miss Annie, always making sure my hair was combed and my dress clean and neat, and even my shoes clean. Had to be. And always making certain that people talked proper around me, so I'd understand. I didn't then...I do now.

I remember when the schools integrated in my county, it was the teacher's kids and preacher's kids who got shuffled first. I was a teacher's kid.

I also remember seeing graffitti on the walls of the school, and the janitors busily cleaning it off before we got to school. Angry people, and frightened people. Yes, I remember that too. I understand now.

I saw a burning cross near a barn in a field where I knew the kids that lived there. I didn't know what it meant, I just knew it wasn't right. I was so small then, but I knew I had to take care of them, they were Miss Annie's grands, and my friends.  I think that's when I began to understand, not everyone was quite right in the head. There were terrible people out there. But...I was ok. Pixies are always ok.

Later, I remember, it was a cold winter, and a friend of mine wasn't in school, for a couple of weeks. My mom was a teacher, and we went by the house on the way home one evening. Mom had me wait in the car. Few minutes later, she came out and we went home. But later I overheard her on the phone. My friend didn't have heat, didn't have running water. The father was off work because of the weather and the mom couldn't read so she just 'did for' different families. I didn't understand everything...but I did know it was cold. I had to take care of my friend. So...on the weekend I went to her house, with my coats, and some blankets, and they had moved. Just picked up and moved. I asked mom, and she said it was the way they did things...they were migrant workers and rarely stayed any place long. They had stayed because he had regular work and the kids could go to school But they moved when the work ran out.

How could this happen? But back into my days I fell. I pretty much skipped into my teens. I was going to high school, onto college. I was going to be a librarian. How's that for glamour?

Beautiful summer magic, days at the beach, nights at the cliffs with friends, garden parties, teas, and then one of the Seniors asked me out. I've gone over this before. But end of story is I was raped, and beaten. And then told "it never happened." "Things like this don't happen to people like us." "He has too much to loose if I say anything." "His father is ******" "They are good church going people" "They are in the optomists" "The Lions", "Your Great Aunt Clair has an idea that will solve everything...if you just keep quiet" "You know, Uncle Edward, he's a Senator, so we can just say that you are homebound so you can travel and with the injuries and needing time to adjust, everything will be fine."

No more pixie. No more innocence..

Down to Key West, out to San Fransisco, over to Tokyo, Portugal, Maine, Chicago.. Great education. Fantastic adventure.

But in all of that, with each plane ticket, train ticket, relative, a little more of me was lost. I somehow ended up as a debutante. LOL. I laugh now. But it was all part of the plan.

And as a little more of me was lost.... I picked up a little more distrust.

Distrust of "people like us" Good solid, conservatives. Mom, apple pie, Church, God and red, white and blue.

Some where in all this I figured out that all that God, and morality stuff, all that right wing people like us stuff? It's all crap. And has absolutely nothing to so with the red, white, and blue. And everything to do with the conservative adgenda of lies and more lies.

The place where the politics made sense. Where there weren't any "people like us" hiding behind masks. And this was the 70's, everything was politics. Especially around the DC beltway. This place I found for myself was with the  opposite side of the aisle. The ::: gasp, and horrors::: liberals.

They cared about people. real people, making sure there was running water in Alabama and Mississippi, Making sure there were lights in rural Texas. (Yes Johnson did that in the 60's but it took a while). Trying to stop the bombs from falling here by not aiming them there. The cold war. Detente, MAD doctrine.

I grew up, did the college thing, wife thing, mom thing. Even raised four Eagle Scouts, Homeschooled. Did all that. Worked here and there, Volunteered constantly. God mother to 9 kids.

During those years.... the little bit of me I had left, got lost.

I don't know who, or even what,  I am any more.

Not that little pixie from so long ago. Although he did call me Pix. Not the idealist, I once was. No, not anymore, I am more convinced than ever that those on the right mean to destroy everything and everyone that is good and pure and still has hope. I believe they are misguided, but one step from evil, by choice, which is actually worse.

I lost me in the shuffle. I don't know that I want to find me anymore. Or find what I have grown into either.

It's been a long trip so far, and there are days I don't want to continue, but the hope in me isn't beaten yet. Maybe...perhaps, one day I'll run into myself and see who I've become.

Tzech Tzech
46-50, F
3 Responses Feb 11, 2010

yo

I agree with Theshepherdess how can you not see who you are from your writing? Maybe try to read it one more time, but imagine that it wasn't you who wrote it, but someone else? how would you describe that person?<br />
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I would say that you seem amazing to me. You know what I like the most? That YOU UNDERSTOOD..at the end of many paragraphs you wrote, now I understand.<br />
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You have HUGE life experience, I think the more we see, the more we know and the more we understand,,the more difficult it is for us to be ourself... we grow up, learn, cry...But this is what makes you- YOU.<br />
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Good luck<br />
I hope you are gonna find real you and be happy..

How can you put your life on paper and not see who you are, what you've experienced, how you grew from those experiences (Yes, I said grew!) all leading up to the intelligent, introspective, person you've become. If you were worthy of his love, rededicate yourself to yourself! You have a lot more of life to experience and understand. You're just working through it.