Vivacious To Forgotten

I use to be filled with the purest love...a volcanic heart. I was aware of the world, but refused to allow it's darkness in. I use to laugh out loud, dance in rain puddles, walk with strangers, love with loved ones.

I would see someone unknown, head down, and alone, and go out of my way to pick them a wildflower...ask them if they needed someone to talk to...hug them if they let me.

I wore bright colors and walked with my eyes to the sky...

Now, I hide behind my curtains and sunlight left in. I don't talk to anyone.  I am so lonely....even when I am not alone!

I step over those rain puddles, and I have not laughed in years.

I once Identified myself with so many verbs .......all active and overflowing with life. Now, I am a metaphor, a cliché.

I am a broken wife. I am a forgetful mother. I am a lost daughter. I am a distant sister. I am a secret neighbor. I am a silent voice.

I use to have so many convictions. Ideals and causes were met with my action. Now, I don't believe in, or for anything.

I use to write soft poems, had bright and transcending moments, and experienced the most heart wrenching sadness...

Now...I feel nothing anymore. Family member dies? Glass breaks? To both I have the same reaction....dull, pointless nothingness.

I use to love with the deepest devotion and passion. March ahead of my daughter, opening up the curtains to creation, imagination, and  youth.

Now, I sleep alone, once and awhile listening to his breathing on the other side of the door. Now, my daughter marches ahead without me

I use to see a future full of life. A road ahead that I would forge with dedication. A legacy I was going to gently hand over to my daughter. A life full for the most extraordinary living. Now, I could care less....I give less, little, nothing!

I may smile...but it's not a real one. I try so hard to give others a little 'hope', but I do it only hidden behind a computer screen. And, to be honest, even the small gestures to others comes from a place I remember, but don't really know how to get there anymore.

I was once called beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, even wonderful. Now, nobody speaks of me anymore...It's been over a year since I looked in the mirror.

I would tell my husband and daughter...It's so easy to say I would die for you, since many people don't really believe they will meet that moment. But, what is real is saying 'I will live for you'...and I did...God, I am so sorry I broke that promise

I am lost.........It's been so long.........I would not even know who to look for!!!


sanityrose sanityrose
3 Responses Feb 21, 2010

I know exactly how you feel.

I have read your heartfelt words, and feel so sorry for you. I would love to hear more, so please pm me. <br />
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Regardless, there is always hope, you can still prevail, and find the joy you lost. <br />
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I would love to hear from you.

What broke you ?