I Wanted To Be Better

I recently forgot who I was, completely lost myself in what I thought was the right thing to do. I was so scared of hurting people, and I was so desperate for love, I stopped being who I am. I tried to be what I felt was right, I tried to change in ways that would help people. In the end, all I did was hurt those around me. As soon as I went back to hiding myself, I lost it. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but it was something along the lines of a psychotic break. I had other things building, things I hadn't dealt with, but this pushed me over the edge. I was in so much pain, and felt so alone. People became almost afraid of me, and started to back away. I felt insane, I felt sad and angry and scared and paranoid, but then, suddenly I would feel excitement. I would laugh for no real reason, because I just felt like something big was about to happen. My moods were unpredictable, I never felt grounded. I was scared of being alone, and by the end, that's exactly what I was. I starved myself for two weeks, hoping I could kill the pain. I wanted to die. My plan was to starve myself until I went numb, then quit my antidepressants. I wanted to see what would happen. I wanted to know what it would feel like. I didn't care anymore what would happen, I was just curious about what I could inflict without really trying. I thought it would be an interesting experiment to wait a day or two after quitting my meds (cold turkey), and without eating anything, to have a mixture of alcohol and pain pills. Not a suicide attempt. That was for later. I was trying to kill pain with more pain. It didn't work. I luckily never followed through with my plan, but unfortunately started to become sick from starving myself. I finally "woke up" from it, feeling confused and embarrassed. Extremely, and painfully exhausted. I was ashamed. I ruined several relationships, lost respect for myself, and lost trust for myself and those around me. I feel hurt and empty, but I finally see myself. I'm still hurting from my self destruction, and I'm slowly getting better. All I can do now is heal, and try to move on.
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3 Responses Aug 15, 2012

how did you do it? how did you accept things?

Wow, you have been through a lot! All that we can o is to accept not just others, but ourselves for who we are.You were crazy for a while, but you are a good person, brandi0r000, just try to keep things in the day love yourself, and move forward! I was an active drug addict for 40 years, but for the past 3, I have been clean, sboer and in recovery! I hurt many people, but most of all myself. maybe later you will be accepted by the people that you hurt, but the best way to make amends to them and yourself, is to be that best person that you can! I dont know what else to say, but it is late and I am tired....Kudos brandi0r000....

I am so VERY proud of u Brandi :) <3

U got it love! :) &lt;3