I Wanted To Be Better
I recently forgot who I was, completely lost myself in what I thought was the right thing to do. I was so scared of hurting people, and I was so desperate for love, I stopped being who I am. I tried to be what I felt was right, I tried to change in ways that would help people. In the end, all I did was hurt those around me. As soon as I went back to hiding myself, I lost it. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but it was something along the lines of a psychotic break. I had other things building, things I hadn't dealt with, but this pushed me over the edge. I was in so much pain, and felt so alone. People became almost afraid of me, and started to back away. I felt insane, I felt sad and angry and scared and paranoid, but then, suddenly I would feel excitement. I would laugh for no real reason, because I just felt like something big was about to happen. My moods were unpredictable, I never felt grounded. I was scared of being alone, and by the end, that's exactly what I was. I starved myself for two weeks, hoping I could kill the pain. I wanted to die. My plan was to starve myself until I went numb, then quit my antidepressants. I wanted to see what would happen. I wanted to know what it would feel like. I didn't care anymore what would happen, I was just curious about what I could inflict without really trying. I thought it would be an interesting experiment to wait a day or two after quitting my meds (cold turkey), and without eating anything, to have a mixture of alcohol and pain pills. Not a suicide attempt. That was for later. I was trying to kill pain with more pain. It didn't work. I luckily never followed through with my plan, but unfortunately started to become sick from starving myself. I finally "woke up" from it, feeling confused and embarrassed. Extremely, and painfully exhausted. I was ashamed. I ruined several relationships, lost respect for myself, and lost trust for myself and those around me. I feel hurt and empty, but I finally see myself. I'm still hurting from my self destruction, and I'm slowly getting better. All I can do now is heal, and try to move on.