The Total Opposite

I had everything in life. More than actually what one needs. Great loving family, Loads of friends, the school and course i wanted. I played sports. I was in dance. I sing. I love animals. I paint. I enjoyed every single bit in life. And just before all this was taken away from me, I fell in love with my best friend. Life could not have gotten better. I made a bad decision which ended back firing me. The confident me became very insecure. I disowned myself. I stopped talking to my friends and family. I stopped going to school. I stopped every single thing i did and became a person who i would have not ever imagined. I became the total opposite of what I was. I can't get over my past. I can't accept this is me. I can't accept this has happened to me. I'm living in denial. I can't control the thoughts in my head. I don't like to see happy things because it reminds me of the person I used to be. Sometimes I miss everyone, my family, my friends but I don't want them to see me like this. See the person I have become. Everyone is here to help me but I'm pushing everyone away. I have attempted suicide so many times. I have read up so many methods to kill yourself.I imagine of my death everyday. It kills. I can't be who I used to be, I do not know who I am. I'm lost. I go to bed everyday just tricking my mind and imagining everything was ok. I get up in pain every morning. I do nothing at all, literally nothing. I am on medication. I went therapy at first but gave up hope. I dont want to even try because im so scared to fall again. To be looked down at. Im very sensitive. And im lost. So lost. I do not know where to start from again. I came here to seek help. There are a lot of people to help me but I cant face them. Im too insecure. Im too scared. It has been 5 months already. I need help. Someone? Anyone?
Maya08 Maya08
Jan 6, 2013