The After Effects

I lost a close friend to suicide last Spring. It was horriable hearing the news at school. He was a few years older then me but we were still close. I met him in the spring before, while working at a ranch at the time. He had just been hired after i'd been there for a couple months. His name was Thomas but we all called him Tom. He was a true irish imigrent. He has that really redish orangeish hair and a thick thick irish accent. He was so funny had a sense of humor in a catagory all its own. 

That fall he got married and seemed happy. Everyonce in a a while they fought but i always new that was normal. I didn't know the extent of damage it was causing. One night he called me up asking to hang out for the night. I had a very busy week and was really just wanting to stay at home and relax. So i told a lil white lie saying that i had already made other plans even though i was just gonna stay home. He got kind of a sad sound in his voice almost painful and said ok. I was sad that i didn't go with him but i wanted a break. 


The next morning i woke up everything was normal up till i got to home room. Jesse looked like she'd been crying for awhile and Jon kinda just stared at the floor. At first i thought 'great what did they fight about this time?' But then i noticed the sadness kinda hung in the air and swarmed other people. I asked what was going on. And thats when i found out. Jon turned to me, and looked straight through me and said that Tom was dead. I was in uder shock. I couldn't quite get my brain to let it sink in. I didn't want to believe it. all i managed to get out was 'what? How?' i found out that he drove down to Parde rd and shot himself in the car. and was found this morning. Of course the question that was on everyones mind blurted outa my lips. "Why?" i asked letting the first of my tears fall. I found out later that day that him and his wife got in a real bad fight and she left him. Thats why he wanted to hang out. His wife was the one who found him when she came back to say she was sorry and that she still loved him. 

But how could i forgive myself? He reached out to me for help and i let him down by being selfish and staying home instead of spending one night with him. Would he still be here if i had put my needs aside and made room for him? Now i have these dreams where i'm in the car with him and he hands me the gun. I point the gun at him and just before i pull the trigger i hear his voice from the night before for help and the sad painful look is in his eyes. And i kill him in cold blood. He collaspes on my in the front passenger seat. his blood draining out on my lap. I try to run but i'm locked in the car with my now dead friend. And i scream for help while tears of grief streaks down my face. 


Its terriable but i have the dream quit often. 

PunkCowgirl PunkCowgirl
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 17, 2010

The feelings you had for some time for yourself were not selfish at all. We need that time and have to say no to friends sometimes. You are not to blame in any way. His problems were deeper than just that one argument with his wife. We can never know what people are holding inside and will not face with courage but use the escape of suicide. I'm sorry he chose that route too but it is no one's fault but his own. Don't mean to sound harsh but it takes more strength to face life than retreat from it. I'm sorry for your loss.

This wasn't your fault. I'm sure that if you knew his situation, you would have gone to see him. You just didn't know.

I wish I had words to say that would help somehow, but nothing I can say will. I am very sorry....really. *hugs* <br />
<br />
There are two types of grief though, grief over things that are our fault, and grief over "what ifs" This wasnt your fault, clearly it wasnt, though I can see how you would start to feel that way, since you really care. <br />
<br />
It's the "what ifs" that we can play over and over in our mind, feeding into the endless cycle of greif over a "what if." The funny thing about these scenarios are they can go any direction in our minds and run away into anything. Imagined doesnt make it real though, just like imagining it was your fault, doesnt make it that way. <br />
<br />
Don't confuse it with something that was your fault though..... "what ifs" never are.